Are there benefits to being a virgin on your wedding day?

And then marrying a virgin?

I wouldn’t know

And neither would you guys, so don’t lie

 

Looks pretty gross hysterical to me

Lately, everyone around me has been sick

Family

Friends

Kids

Neighbours

Except me

And because I am a bucket mouth

I let everyone know that I was the ONLY one that wasn’t sick

Cause I NEVER get sick

Everyone else’s immune system can suck it

‘Cause mine is obviously the least germy

My steady diet of red wine, clinkers & no sleep is a winner people!

Until it wasn’t

Cue me feeling like death last week

With the man flu

That one’s like 5 times worse that the regular flu, yeah?

‘Cause that’s totally what I had

No WAY has anyone ever been as sick as I was

Just like there’s NO WAY anybody’s birth story is more horrendous than mine

Yup, I’m THAT person

Ask Diamond how much fun I am to live with

Anyhoo

After being prescribed some great drugs

(That are probably just antibiotics

But I still feel like a rebel when I take 2 at once)

I am on the mend

HUZZAH!!

Better than on the mend

I am fired UP!

I think being knocked on your arse makes you grateful when you DO start to feel better

Today I want to plough through my ‘to do’ list

Then dust off the guitar and do some writing

I will not be distracted

Life is a highway & Baby you can drive my car On the road again

And all those other songs about truckin’ that have fuck all to do with this post

I am unstoppable, mother fuckers!

Once I get out of bed.

It’s been a while…

But in honour of the New Year ‘n all that

I give you

Luv ya guts!

x

Paybacks are a bitch aren’t they?

Yeah, I’m talking to you!

The two wank-stains in the room next door

I say next door, but you might as well have been in my room

You pair of fuck-knuckles

I could hear every word

Of your drunken gibberish bullshit last night

Or should I say this morning?

I have no problem with you being drunk

It was the volume of your drunkeness that bothered me

And it wasn’t even entertaining

Me?

When I’m wasted, at least I keep it funny as fuck

Just ask…well…umm…just take my word for it, OK?

You two dudes were all knocking over the furniture and giggling like teenage girls

And just when I’d convinced myself you were totally gay and I was preparing myself to what I was about to hear

You know, all the grunting and sloshing around noises that anal sex makes

Well, I had my noise canceling headphones charged up

Traveling Wilburies ready to go on my iPhone

And then you went and called one of your girlfriends

(OK, so your not gay – but you’re still a pair of fuckwits)

You put her on speakerphone

And proceeded to have phone sex

I can’t work out which bit was my favourite

Was it the part when you told her to wait a minute while you went in the bathroom to spew your guts up?

Almost

That was just beaten by the crash you made when you farted and fell off the bed

Thanks for keeping it classy room 18

I think I actually got the most joy from the fact that whoever’s girlfriend she was

She had no idea that your mate was in the room listening

She was completely oblivious the the threesome she was having

This all started o get a little old

AT THREE THIRTY AM

And that is why, at 6am this morning

I put my Billy Blanks Bootcamp Workout DVD in my laptop

Cranked the volume to the max, pressed play

And went for a walk for an hour

Knowing that you’d be woken by the sounds of some dude yelling out, ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

It’s an awesome way to wake up isn’t it boys?

When I got back from my walk

The DVD was finished

I could hear you stumbling around in your hungover state next door (probably looking for YOUR noise canceling headphones)

Sorry, did I wake you?

Just be sure I did…

I put on Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album (yes, I do have this in my iTunes library – don’t judge me needle-dicks!)

Cranked the volume up again

And went for another walk

You’re welcome mother fuckers