Paybacks are a bitch aren’t they?
Yeah, I’m talking to you!
The two wank-stains in the room next door
I say next door, but you might as well have been in my room
You pair of fuck-knuckles
I could hear every word
Of your drunken gibberish bullshit last night
Or should I say this morning?
I have no problem with you being drunk
It was the volume of your drunkeness that bothered me
And it wasn’t even entertaining
When I’m wasted, at least I keep it funny as fuck
Just ask…well…umm…just take my word for it, OK?
You two dudes were all knocking over the furniture and giggling like teenage girls
And just when I’d convinced myself you were totally gay and I was preparing myself to what I was about to hear
You know, all the grunting and sloshing around noises that anal sex makes
Well, I had my noise canceling headphones charged up
Traveling Wilburies ready to go on my iPhone
And then you went and called one of your girlfriends
(OK, so your not gay – but you’re still a pair of fuckwits)
You put her on speakerphone
And proceeded to have phone sex
I can’t work out which bit was my favourite
Was it the part when you told her to wait a minute while you went in the bathroom to spew your guts up?
That was just beaten by the crash you made when you farted and fell off the bed
Thanks for keeping it classy room 18
I think I actually got the most joy from the fact that whoever’s girlfriend she was
She had no idea that your mate was in the room listening
She was completely oblivious the the threesome she was having
This all started o get a little old
AT THREE THIRTY AM
And that is why, at 6am this morning
I put my Billy Blanks Bootcamp Workout DVD in my laptop
Cranked the volume to the max, pressed play
And went for a walk for an hour
Knowing that you’d be woken by the sounds of some dude yelling out, ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR
It’s an awesome way to wake up isn’t it boys?
When I got back from my walk
The DVD was finished
I could hear you stumbling around in your hungover state next door (probably looking for YOUR noise canceling headphones)
Sorry, did I wake you?
Just be sure I did…
I put on Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album (yes, I do have this in my iTunes library – don’t judge me needle-dicks!)
Cranked the volume up again
And went for another walk
You’re welcome mother fuckers