Category Archives: old people

avoiding grannies and packing

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Two years ago the girls and I did this

Today we’re doing it again

Like, in a few hours

And I haven’t packed at all

I’ve been up since 2am

Because I’m a fucking nutjob

But I can’t pack without going into the girl’s rooms and waking them up

So I ironed

And I cleaned

Charged up all my iPhones, iPads, laptops and blah blah

Now it’s 4:30am

And I am ty-yerrrred!

In other, unrelated, insomnia-fueled news

I wanted to show you these pics I took yesterday

An old lady put her car in drive instead of reverse

And drove through a shop window

Luckily for her, she wasn’t hurt

And the shop was empty

Luckily for me and the girls – we were in the shop next door

So we totally dodged a Toyota Corolla bullet there

Good luck renting that place out now

I’m pretty sure this would be the end result if I let my tired arse drive a car today

Here’s hoping the pilot isn’t a fossil who should’ve handed in his license years ago an insomniac too.

 

 

to be sure, to be sure

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Happy St Paddy’s Day you guys!

All is good out here on the road this week

Just got off stage in Kyneton

And it was awesome

Not for the usual reasons awesome

For me it was awesome, because of the two ladies sitting in the front row

Who seriously, could NOT have looked more mortified

From the time I opened my mouth

Until the time I walked off

They were in shock

I’m like, DUDES!

If you’re struggling with my show

You ladeez are going to SHIT your passion-killer knickers, when Dad gets out here!

Or maybe not?

It’s weird sometimes, how people can have no problem hearing a joke

Or dirty stories & swearing

If it comes from a man

But don’t cope at all when it comes from a woman

These two ladies did not laugh once

At all

Didn’t even crack a smile between them

And watching them not react one bit to my songs

Was bringing me undone

Giving me joy even

And the look on their faces when I sang “Camel Toe”?

Well, I’m pretty sure I’ve never been that close to wetting my pants on stage before

And to show what a great judge of character I am

And what a gift I have at ‘reading’people

Like, just how much these ladies weren’t into my act

And couldn’t wait for me to get off

Those same two women walked straight up to me during the intermission

And bought ALL of my CDS, t-shirts and stickers

Then had photos taken

Hugging and kissing me

Apparenty, they are probably lesbians loved the show!

O-Kaaaay??

So on this Paddy’s Day,  it’s good to be sure

To be sure

That I’m still a genius

 

conversations in the car

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Dad: I bought some new albums from iTunes last night

Mum: That’s very technomological of you

Dad: I just can’t work out how I paid for them

I am rolling my eyes

Mum: Well they can’t be free can they?

My eyes are about to fall out of my head

Dad: Dunno, it didn’t ask me for any money

I can’t help myself at this point

Me: Dad, I set you up an iTunes account over a year ago. It’s linked to Mum’s credit card. Every time you buy a song or album from iTunes, Mum’s credit card gets charged for it

Dad: Really? Cool – I’m going back online to buy shitloads more now

Mum: You’re welcome

I know this conversation is not overly weird to you

Please keep in mind that we have this SAME conversation on EVERY tour

And every tour Dad gets excited at the thought of shopping with Mum’s credit card

And every time Mum says you’re welcome

Does this mean they’re getting old?

Is this like the first sign?

I don’t reckon I have to start worrying about them until they start to smell like powdered milk

And wet farts