mall walkers

OK, so I think we’ve established that I’m not always the swiftest horse in the barn

But did you guys know what mall walkers are?

Ever heard of them?

MALL WALKERS

I never had

So now I’m at the mall this morning at stupid o’clock

For an early appointment at the Mac store

I was even EARLY for my EARLY appointment and had to wait for the place to open

Nothing’s open yet

But the Mac store opens 2 hours earlier than the rest of the shops for appointments

I won’t bother telling what my appointment was for

‘Cause then I’d have to go into detail

About how I strutted in there with my head up my arse all purpose-filled and shit

Ready to tear some dork a new arsehole

Because the LAST time I was in there he put my film clips and movies in a new file

A SPECIAL file, he said

So they’d be easier to find

And of course I couldn’t find them ’cause the wank-nosed-mofo DELETED them

But enough about that

It got sorted

You know, it was actually just a simple case of the ol’, blah-blah-he-didn’t-really-delete-them-I-had-been-pressing-the-wrong-button-blah-blah-so-now-who’s-the-fucktard-and-I-hope-I-never-have-to-go-in-there-again-blah-blah

Doesn’t that happen to everyone?

Anyhooo

Back to the mall walkers

While I’m sitting there with Miss 4 waiting for the shop to open

I notice just how dead the mall is at this time of day

Kinda eery almost

Then people start appearing

OLD people

In pairs

And groups

All happy & cheery and shit

And I’m thinking there must have been a breakout at the old folks home up the road

‘Cause there’s no way these old farts have Mac appointments

They’re like a hundred for Christ’s sake!

And then I start seeing the same people

Over and over

And I realise they’re doing laps of the mall

So, using Miss 4 as bait, I try to attract their attention

Which takes a while, because they’re obviously focused and in training for the geriatric olympic trials

When one old lady stops to talk to Miss 4 (who I promised a smoothy to if she didn’t tell the old bat that she smelt like powdered milk)

I asked what was the deal with all the old fuckers elderly people walking in circles

And she explained to me & Miss 4, while spraying us with what appearing to be denture paste-which was a waste of time when she’d forgotten her fucking teeth, that they were all MALL WALKERS

She said the mall opens up early every day for them so they have a safe, warm place to exercise

They even provide the walkers with cholesterol and blood pressure test

Not a bad idea really

We told her thanks and said goodbye

And Miss 4 said when she gets old & wrinkly she wants to be a mall walker too

And Im like, yeah me too honey

One day

And Miss 4 said, but you can do it NOW mummy, you’re totally old enough

And I laughed as said, well not quite yet you little smart arse

And the old lady says, as she was walking away, well of course you’re old enough

If you’re over 50 you’re in!

.

.

Oh yes SHE DID!

So I just smiled through clenched teeth at her and waved goodbye

‘Cause one of my new year’s resolutions is to NOT ram walking frames up pruney-cobweb-filled vajay-jays

So far, so good