After this Sydney tour finishes up

I’m headed back to WA for a month

Getting to take the girls back is very exciting

They haven’t been to WA in 4 years

M&M are most excited to see their cousins and watch movies in Nanna & Poppy’s big-arse home theatre

I think I’m most excited about the solo shows I’ll be doing when I get there

Why?

Because I’ll have my jet lagged as a mother fucker coz he hates to fly and will need to be heavily sedated just to drive to the airport Diamond with me!

B-b-b-buh-RING it!

 

* COWARANUP * BULLSBROOK * NORTHAM * NARROGIN *

*PERTH * KALGOORLIE * RAVENSWOOD * COLLIE *

* JUIREN BAY * GERALDTON * LANCELIN *

 

So you’re having a bad day?

Everyone has then every now and then

I’m sure for some of you, today is your turn

How do I know this?

Well never let it be said that I’m not in tune with your vibes slash aura slash cranky face

Plus, 3 of the 4 people I have spoken to on the phone this morning have been utter crab arses sounded a bit grumpified

Me?

I’m all good

If you don’t count my red-raw puffy allergy eyes that look like two piss holes in the snow

Like I went 4 rounds with Mike Tyson

That my eyelids swallowed golf balls

And I look like a stoned gold fish

But yeah, other than that, I’m looking my usual cute self

You only have to look at pics like this

To feel better about your day

Imagine being these poor bastards?

So repeat after me…

It’s not that bad - It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad - It’s not that bad

And remember, when you drive with paint in the back seat

PUT A LID ON IT, you fucktard.

 

*thanks Brett!

Tonight I will be in here

A pretty nondescript building from the outside

But inside, it has been known to take on many transformations

Haven’t been here to witness any of these events before

Sports, monster trucks?

Not really my bag

But these guys ARE totally my bag

As in, have been playing them nonstop ALL week

The kids are blocking their ears

You know on divorce papers, where it always says, “…..reason for divorce: irreconcilable differences”

After this week – mine will say, “‘…reason for divorce: Sugarland”

I am very excited

As in, I should stuff-a-spare-set-of-knickers-in-my-bra-just-in-case-excited

I don’t have a pic of me to show you just how psyched I am

Not for the lack of trying though

This is the look I was going for

But I kept choking on tennis balls

 

 

Happy Monday Peeps!!

(even if it’s not quite Monday for my U.S. mates)

We have a day off today, so no Mondayitis for us out here on the road

We love Mondays

It’s Tuesdays that generally suck

Tuesday = day after Day off Monday, which = hungover as mofos

Anyhoo

I love my iPhone

But at least once a day, the little fucker autocorrects me when I’m trying to send a text

It’s frustrating

And sometimes bloody embarrassing

I’m glad I’m not the only one that autocorrect fucks with…

Whore or peanut butter?

Decisions, decisions

 

Well that’s a relief…

 

Sounds like a shit party

 

Karaoke & Dongs

Add some wine to that and I’m in!

 

Nothing worse that a puny, shallow dick desk, is their girls?

 

Cockslapping…

Is there an app for that?

 

Choking on your own penis

Go straight to the top of the class

 

If she really had her period she wouldn’t be mortified

She would stab him

 

Life insurance? Freudian slip?

 

I think I’d rather be grounded

 

HAPPY MONDAY!!

x

 

*Thanks Celena!