“Shut up”

“You are stupid”

“For fuck’s sake you piece of shit”

“Go fuck yourself”

“What the fuck, you dumbarse”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Oh my God, I’m going to kill you”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up”

“You fucking FUCK!”

These are the daily ‘conversations’ Mum & Dad have with the GPS in our car

Which is why, I think it’s now getting us lost on purpose

The drive to Fielding today was spec-tac-u-lar!!

With some of the best scenery we’ve seen so far this tour

And not just because I was actually awake for this car trip

My jaw wasn’t just dropping from the postcard views out my window either

The conversation inside the car was pretty mind blowing too

Yeah, she’s back with a vengeance

Mum: Wow, look at all the windmills…they are everywhere!

Dad: It’s a good thing

Mum: What are they used for anyway? Is it for electricity or something?

Dad: What, are you stupid? Everyone knows what windmills are for

I thought that’s what they were for too – but then I saw Dad’s face in the rear view mirror and realised he was totally fucking with her

It’s one of our favourite things to do on tour

Mum: I thought it was like an environmental thing, you know to save power and stuff

Dad: Jesus, everyone knows what windmills are for

They’re to create a sea breeze Betty, a SEA BREEZE

 

Mum: Oh, well now I know then too don’t I?

Fark!

I have definitely inherited Mum’s brains

‘Cause Dad still has his

On the road, we’re used to receiving some great letters from people

Especially when Holly’s driving

It’s lovely really, when people take the time to let you know how they feel

And let you know that, without you, they wouldn’t feel this way

It’s pretty cool to be able to affect people like that

And then when they go to the effort to use nice paper

Beautiful penmanship

And they just don’t hold back

It can actually be quite emotional sometimes

So I just want to say, that we appreciate all the letters you leave for us

They’re much easier to read than the fuck you written in lipstick on the windows

*thanks Kelly!

In Australia today, the biggest horserace of the year takes place

The Melbourne Cup

It’s known as “the race that sops a nation”

And it really does

People all over the country stop work for the race

I remember at school we’d get to watch it on TV

Lots of people dress up for it, in their fanciest duds, at racetracks across the country

It’s a very prestigious event, and attracts entrants from all over the globe

Even my mother-in-law in Chicago, a die hard horse racing fan

Knows ALL about the Melbourne Cup

And will no doubt be having a bet on the big race

We’ll be halfway between Ulladulla & Canberra when the race is on

But that’s OK, we’re still going to get in the spirit

The great Aussie tradition of ‘having a flutter on the nags’ is alive and well on the road today

Mum, whose family has always been into horse racing and betting

Has given herself the role of bookie for the day

I think SHARK might be a better term for her

I was barely awake this morning and she’s hitting me up for money

Getting me to draw the names & which horses we get

There’s 6 of us on the road – and 24 horses in the race

4 horses each

Except one’s already been scratched from the race, and she wouldn’t tell us which one

Her words, “…if you get that horse, tough shit”

So I don’t even have to tell you who ended up with that horse

Yeah OK, it was me

Fuck

Thanks for that

I think she’s been watching too much Sopranos

So we’re all set

I’ll let you know how it goes

Hopefully one of my horses will be first across the line

If not I might need to borrow some cash

Or maybe just a place to stay and hideout for a while

Where  the Mafia boss can’t find me

UPDATE: Guess who won? Go on….guess! Who wrote out all the names? Who put them all in the envelope?

Well done Mum, you mobbed up Mama!!