So, you know how I’m trying to not drop dead from a heart attack be good on this tour
The whole CHOLESTEROL / GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER crap that I blogged about before
Well, most mornings we get on the road and stop for brekky somewhere along the way
We USED to (before I became the food police) stop at the death wagons on the side of the road
Their food is seriously delicious, but greasy bacon and egg rolls aren’t the most nutritious way to start the day
Hence the name DEATH WAGON
Most mornings, wherever we stop, I’ve been having muesli & yogurt
Mmmm, yummy *insert best sarcastic facial expression here*
Everyone else has been pretty good too
Only the occasional greasy breakfast is being consumed
I mean, I don’t expect everyone else to be good ’cause I have to
Who am I kidding? Of course I fucking do
I expect support people
And lots of it!
So, imagine my pure pissed-off-ness when we pulled into a MacDonalds this morning
The first one of the trip
‘Oh don’t worry Jen, there’s bound to be SOMETHING good you can have here’, they said
Yeah well thanks for making me look like a complete tossa when I went up to order my food and asked if they had any ‘healthy’ options to eat
pimply kid: healthy?
me: yeah, like fruit or yogurt or something like that
pimply kid: ummm, lady, you’re in MACDONALDS
Yeah OK fucktard, thanks for pointing that out
Anyhooo, everyone enjoyed their heart attacks in a bun bacon and egg mcmuffins
While I sulked went and sat in the car
There’s only so much willpower I possess
And sitting in MacDonalds, watching everyone at my table eat shit I haven’t touched in forever that kind of food would be too hard
The urge to dive across the table and kill one of them snatch their food away would be too hard to resist
So I sat in the car
It was cool, I passed the time going thru their bags they weren’t too long
So we got back on the road and headed to tonight’s show in Croydon
I was starting to get pretty hungry at this point
I mean come on, I’m obviously fading away to a block of flats!
I start hunting through my bag for something to nibble on
Almonds, raisins my address book I could give a fuck at this point
You know how you don’t want to see the incredible hulk when he’s angry?
I’m just like that when I’m hungry, except not as green, and WAAAAY nastier
And then my mum
MY MOTHER – who nurtured me in her womb, brought me into this world, rocked me to sleep at night
Yeah that one
She pulls out a BOX OF FUCKING MALTESERS
I’m all like, are you FUCKING SHITTING ME? You’re going to open those fuckers and eat them? Here? Now?
In FRONT OF ME?
She starts giggling, well of course I’m going to share some too, she says
As she passes them to the front for Dad & Holly
To cut to the chase
If you see a middle-aged brunette with a suitcase and a half-empty box of Maltesers shoved up her arse, standing on the side of the road, about half way between Aylesbury & Croydon, could you give her a lift?
I’ve had some food now, and I’m starting to feel a bit bad about leaving her there
Who else is going to iron Dad’s underwear sell the cds tonight?