why are people so unkind?

So, you know how I’m trying to not drop dead from a heart attack be good on this tour

The whole CHOLESTEROL / GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER crap that I blogged about before

Well, most mornings we get on the road and stop for brekky somewhere along the way

We USED to (before I became the food police) stop at the death wagons on the side of the road

Their food is seriously delicious, but greasy bacon and egg rolls aren’t the most nutritious way to start the day

Hence the name DEATH WAGON

Most mornings, wherever we stop, I’ve been having muesli & yogurt

Mmmm, yummy   *insert best sarcastic facial expression here*

Everyone else has been pretty good too

Only the occasional greasy breakfast is being consumed

I mean, I don’t expect everyone else to be good ’cause I have to

Who am I kidding? Of course I fucking do

I expect support people

And lots of it!

So, imagine my pure pissed-off-ness when we pulled into a MacDonalds this morning

The first one of the trip

‘Oh don’t worry Jen, there’s bound to be SOMETHING good you can have here’, they said

Yeah well thanks for making me look like a complete tossa when I went up to order my food and asked if they had any ‘healthy’ options to eat

pimply kid: healthy?

me: yeah, like fruit or yogurt or something like that

pimply kid: ummm, lady, you’re in MACDONALDS

Yeah OK fucktard, thanks for pointing that out

Anyhooo, everyone enjoyed their heart attacks in a bun bacon and egg mcmuffins

While I sulked went and sat in the car

There’s only so much willpower I possess

And sitting in MacDonalds, watching everyone at my table eat shit I haven’t touched in forever that kind of food would be too hard

The urge to dive across the table and kill one of them snatch their food away would be too hard to resist

So I sat in the car

It was cool, I passed the time going thru their bags they weren’t too long

So we got back on the road and headed to tonight’s show in Croydon

I was starting to get pretty hungry at this point

I mean come on, I’m obviously fading away to a block of flats!

I start hunting through my bag for something to nibble on

Almonds, raisins my address book I could give a fuck at this point

You know how you don’t want to see the incredible hulk when he’s angry?

I’m just like that when I’m hungry, except not as green, and WAAAAY nastier

And then my mum

MY MOTHER – who nurtured me in her womb, brought me into this world, rocked me to sleep at night

Yeah that one


I’m all like, are you FUCKING SHITTING ME? You’re going to open those fuckers and eat them? Here? Now?


She starts giggling, well of course I’m going to share some too, she says

As she passes them to the front for Dad & Holly

So anyway

To cut to the chase

If you see a middle-aged brunette with a suitcase and a half-empty box of Maltesers shoved up her arse, standing on the side of the road, about half way between Aylesbury & Croydon, could you give her a lift?

I’ve had some food now, and I’m starting to feel a bit bad about leaving her there

Who else is going to iron Dad’s underwear sell the cds tonight?


  1. Hi Jen-
    Heeeeeeeeeee heeeeeeeeee Maltesers are a fuck sight better than a Mc Fuckburger!!!! Got your 4 CD’s today and they arrived when hubby was at home- he called me at work to say he thought they were his DVDs (!)…Gulp! I said ‘They were my Xmas pressie!’ He swallowed that (!) and said OK I’ll hide ’em then!!!!…Bastardos is that I soooooooooo want to listen to em and have going to have to grovel- or get him seriously pissed and find the fuckers!!!
    Good Luck at Croydon- my mate Caz lives there and would LOVE ya!!!! xxxxxxxx

  2. Just “click” on the google ad under this comment on this page. “THE GABRIEL METHOD: LOSE WEIGHT WITHOUT DIETING”…Yeah, sure…The ONLY sure way I know to lower cholesterol & lose weight without dieting is taking the “ting” out of “DIE-ting.

    Metabolic Betty & Mal-TEASERS…tough tour…

  3. Oh damn…hubby mentioned that he spied a lost looking lady on the A23 – last seen hovering by said death wagon trying to get them to swap last malteser for “some decent tucker”….

    Much love to you all – cant wait for Friday at White Rock! Gonna raid the kids’ money box to get new CD – lets call it an eductation in life…unless you think 5 is too young to learn about camel toe, bastards and horses hoofs…?! Hmmmm

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