…are unbelievable

I’ve never sat through an entire episode of Toddlers And Tiaras

What I have seen has shown me that there are lot of gay men out there

That are married to women

And have daughters

And they’re pushing these little girls into beauty pagaents

In custom gaudy gowns, they lovingly sewed themselves

Nice work Daddios!

And then there’s the Mums

Who make me laugh, cry, cringe and want to stab a bitch all at the same time

But this video

This one takes the cake

So instead of a traditional Fuck It Up Friday

Have a look at this video

‘Cause this ‘mother’, is doing a top notch job

At fucking her kid up royally

Parenting or child abuse?

I received an email this morning saying that one of our shows on the upcoming Rural New South Wales Tour had been cancelled

The canceling was not really a big deal

It’s still far enough away to put another show in it’s place

The reason for canceling the show has me a bit miffed

OK, so maybe that’s an understatement

It pissed-me-the-fuck-off

We were booked to play at a Services Club in Orange

Booked, confirmed, all set to go

Then the club’s committee ([my]definition of committee: a bunch of out of touch fuddy-duddies, that have no business making decisions for the general public)

Actually, not the ENTIRE committee

There was just one “objection from one of the board members”

Apparently, he deemed the show too rude for their venue

This one man

Is the town’s censor and moral compass?

So tell me this, Mr Councilman

Dad has been playing at your venue for more years than I can count

SELLING OUT your venue more times than I can count

Were there complaints?

Were people offended in the past?

I understand that the nature of Dad’s & my act is not for everybody

But when you continually sell out a venue

Doesn’t history dictate that there ARE people who want to see it?

Why THIS TIME is the show not suitable?

Because now YOU’RE on the committee?

To quote from Dad’s upcoming book:

Nobody tells Australian stories better than Kevin Bloody Wilson. Record sales of almost four million worldwide bear testimony to his International success. In January 2010 he received a nomination for Australian Of The Year, he’s listed in Who’s Who and his entire body of work has been chosen for inclusion in The National Film And Sound Archive in Canberra

This is an act that has sold out the Sydney Opera House and the London Palladium

But it’s not up to your standards?

Because your venue lists itself as:

No better venue in Country NSW for all your entertainment needs then right here at Club

We provide the best in live music, variety shows, comedy and children’s entertainment

You mention comedy?

But obviously not one of Australia’s highest selling comedians

So if this kind of comedy is not your cup of tea, then NO ONE gets to see it?

Wow, that sounds really fair mate

Totally keeping the best interest of the 30,000+ people that live in your city in mind, aren’t you buddy?

And though I may rant at your lack of vision for what’s best for the public in Orange

It’s you who will miss out

But the good people in Orange will not

See, we’ve booked ourselves at the ORANGE CIVIC THEATRE

And that’s we’re we’ll be playing November 7th

It’s going to be a ball-tearer of a show, sir

That, I can promise you

I told Dad I wouldn’t call you a cranky old fucktard, so I didn’t

Doesn’t mean I don’t think it

Paybacks are a bitch aren’t they?

Yeah, I’m talking to you!

The two wank-stains in the room next door

I say next door, but you might as well have been in my room

You pair of fuck-knuckles

I could hear every word

Of your drunken gibberish bullshit last night

Or should I say this morning?

I have no problem with you being drunk

It was the volume of your drunkeness that bothered me

And it wasn’t even entertaining

Me?

When I’m wasted, at least I keep it funny as fuck

Just ask…well…umm…just take my word for it, OK?

You two dudes were all knocking over the furniture and giggling like teenage girls

And just when I’d convinced myself you were totally gay and I was preparing myself to what I was about to hear

You know, all the grunting and sloshing around noises that anal sex makes

Well, I had my noise canceling headphones charged up

Traveling Wilburies ready to go on my iPhone

And then you went and called one of your girlfriends

(OK, so your not gay – but you’re still a pair of fuckwits)

You put her on speakerphone

And proceeded to have phone sex

I can’t work out which bit was my favourite

Was it the part when you told her to wait a minute while you went in the bathroom to spew your guts up?

Almost

That was just beaten by the crash you made when you farted and fell off the bed

Thanks for keeping it classy room 18

I think I actually got the most joy from the fact that whoever’s girlfriend she was

She had no idea that your mate was in the room listening

She was completely oblivious the the threesome she was having

This all started o get a little old

AT THREE THIRTY AM

And that is why, at 6am this morning

I put my Billy Blanks Bootcamp Workout DVD in my laptop

Cranked the volume to the max, pressed play

And went for a walk for an hour

Knowing that you’d be woken by the sounds of some dude yelling out, ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

It’s an awesome way to wake up isn’t it boys?

When I got back from my walk

The DVD was finished

I could hear you stumbling around in your hungover state next door (probably looking for YOUR noise canceling headphones)

Sorry, did I wake you?

Just be sure I did…

I put on Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album (yes, I do have this in my iTunes library – don’t judge me needle-dicks!)

Cranked the volume up again

And went for another walk

You’re welcome mother fuckers

So this anti-gay politician get’s pulled over by the police

After leaving a gay nightclub

With a male companion as his passenger

The cops noticed him swerving all over the road ’cause he was getting his dick sucked

And charged him with a DUI

Hypocritical FUCKTARD much?