kitchen table convos…hair & nuns

This afternoon the kids were simultaneously doing their homework and complaining about how much homework they have and how strict school is….and blah blah blah being 7 and nearly 9 is so fucking tough. Not.
Anything that keeps them from their treehouse or iPods is always considered a HUGE injustice. Back in my day….

Me: Well, when I was at school, I got the cane across my hand just for playing ‘chase-y’ in the playground from the fucking nuns
Macaroni: NO WAY Mum!
They HIT you?

Diamond: Well when *I* was at school, my principal grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to his office!!

Magoo: NO WAY DAD!
You had hair?

Magoo for the win.
Every time.

big girls

The girls started school yesterday

Macaroni’s in 3rd grade now….and will probably be taller than me before the year’s over
Magoo started 1st grade, so I guess that’s my cue to stop wearing maternity clothes.
Macaroni was all excited to see her friends again after a long summer.
Magoo was a little anxious about being gone all day (as opposed to half day last year) She was worried I’d miss her and be sad.
She is right.
But what she wasn’t worried about, was the other kids.
She said everyone would be super nice to her once they saw her mouth

And she’s tell them her nickname is ‘Bruiser’

overcoming the crabs this christmas

Being home in December is the besets of the best

I get do all the Christmas fun stuff with the girls

This week I have been to the school 5 times to volunteer with class parties and craft projects

Each time, I have been dressed head to toe, in varying versions of green & red

Always with a different flashing hat

And dripping in dollar store Christmas jewelry

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap

Yesterday I helped Macaroni’s class bake Gingerbread men

Now, me and baking aren’t really mates – so I was hesitant, and wasn’t looking forward to it, but figured it couldn’t be any worse than waxing my own bikini line

All the Mums were gathered in the cafeteria, and the kids came in from the classrooms in groups of 4.

I, not wanting to fuck it up, asked what I should do first

Then a Mum, that obviously hasn’t been laid since January, told me, “washing your hands might be a nice start”

Oh, so THAT’S how we roll at these happy kid-friendly Christmas fun days? Full on bitch mode. Got it.

So I washed my hands, and then pulled up a chair over by the oven. I’d decided to be the boss of ‘timing’ the cookies. I just sat there, counting down backwards from seven minutes, loudly – for every batch that sour mutt bought to me

She then told me my outfit was ‘interesting’ and that she too used to have a dark stripe in her hair too – but she ‘grew out of that phase’

Then I saw HER son, picking his nose, then sticking his hands all over the gingerbread dough. He saw me watching him, and kind of shat himself for an instant. ‘Til I gave him a thumbs up and my best, yeah I’d totally wipe boogers in my food if she was my Mum too dude – look

But I think she might have snuck off to pop some happy pills, cause she actually HUGGED me when I left and THANKED ME for coming to help – like she had no idea that she’s been PMS-ing all in my face for the last hour. Skitzo much?

I almost felt bad about wanting to stab her in the eye with a rolling pin

Not really

She should thank Diamond, because I promised him I wouldn’t try to kill random strangers that pissed me anymore. At least not before Christmas anyway.



Today was candy houses in Magoo’s class

Which was totally awesome cause we got to eat while we worked

The parents were all super nice and friendly

And made much easier by no one hating on my elf costume and glow in the dark snow boots

And my new WINE BRA.