CHRISTMAS MUTHA FUCKERS!!

And you know what that means?

It’s that time of year when I turn into a kid

And lose my shit over everything

On an hourly basis

Decorations

Christmas Carols

Shopping

Snow

All of it

Add a little case of jetlag to that

(my body clock seems to think that 1am is a good time to start the day)

And I am positively fucking giddy right now

This is what greeted me at the airport when I arrived home Sunday

I totally busted out singing, “…it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas”

And I could feel all my fellow passengers around me staring

I’m pretty sure it was jealousy

‘Cause there’s not too many five foot mamas who can rock the fucked-all-night-and-hung-out-wet look

That one has after sitting in a plane for eleventy-million hours

And still look fucking fab

Clump of matted hair on the back of my head

Melted chocolate stains on my shirt

Crusty smudged mascara

Slight limp from my cramped legs

And then singing Christmas carols like Janis Joplin with a throat infection?

I’m surprised security didn’t pat me down on my way OUT of the airport

The pure fucking hotness I was radiating

As much as I wanted to share my fabbo-ness

I thought it best I save myself for my lucky-bastard of a husband

Who took one look at me when I walked in the door

And said, “….dude you look like shit

Did your plane getting fucking SHOT down?”

Some of the venues we’ve played so far on this tour have been pretty lovely

All different

But all immacualte

FILLED with staff

That’s something that we see consistently backstage

Lots and LOTS of staff

For me to walk from backstage, out to the front, to see Mum at the merchandise desk

I would have people walking with me

Security don’t like you walking around by yourself

So at all times, there was at least 2 security guards with me

I’m sure this had NOTHING to do with them not trusting me

And the stolen hand towels incident from 2008

They WERE a gift, I swear

It felt a little weird being escorted everywhere

But it’s better than the alternative, right?

When we played the 2 Johannesburg shows

I was told that I had to have my own bodyguard

It sounded very unnecessary and completely weird

But those were the rules there

He was stationed outside my dressing room all night

I told him my real name was Whitney

And I’m pretty sure he loved hearing me belt out “I Will Always Love You” each night before the show

Warm ups ‘n shit

He has a beautiful African name that is crazy hard to pronounce

So I just called him Kevin

That’s Mr Costner to you

FYI – The title of this blog is not to be confused with my song

10 THINGS

I know, like you gave a shit right?

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Anyhoo

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You know how they say, ‘FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS DRINK & DRIVE TEXT?’

It makes me soooo glad I’m not single

You go out with your mates

You get a few drinks in you

And all of a sudden you’re texting that loser you met last weekend

‘Cause he wrote his name on your arm with some kind of ink that you can’t wash the fuck off

And then you wake up the next day

To see that your 28 texts were successful

He’s coming by for breakfast!

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So while I don’t have this kind of dilema anymore

I have found a new way to fuck with embarrass myself

When I’ve consumed 2 bottles one too many merlots

Just like friends should take your cell phone off you when you’re single and drinking

My friends or somebody that gives a fuck should limit my access to any forms communication, including taping my mouth shut, when I’m partaking in alcoholic beverages

Let me give you the 10 reasons why

1. drunk shopping on amazon.com – it’s expensive, and you end up with 2 of everything for some reason
2. emailing your 6 year old’s kindy teacher to ask her, “what the fuck’s up with all the red corrections on my kid’s homework you fucking Nazi?”                                   
3. dropping over to your neighbours house at 2am to borrow a cup of bourbon
4. trying to put a saddle on your totally big enough, but petrified, dog and riding him to the liquor store at 7am
5. ‘pinky promising’ your 6 year old daughter that you will take her to church EVERY fucking Sunday for the rest of the year
6. trying on a bikini that you wore 8 years ago, that you can only get up to your knees
7. booking a trip online to Bahamas anyway (while wearing said bikini and polishing off the Christmas candy)                                                                                 
8. promising your 4 year old a kitten when really you totally hate cats – and then having to tell her it died before the postman got it to our house ’cause he forgot to put holes in the box. Fucking postman
9. agreeing to let your great Aunty pruney bitch face Joan come visit for Easter. And then having to call her back when you sobered up to tell her your house burnt down from the great Chicago winter bush fires of ’09
10. declaring to all your facebook friends that although you’re not a lesbian, your mistress is a bit dykey

So to all the mother fuckers my friends that let this shit happen

I hope you’re proud of yourselves

After nearly 10 years being based in the U.S

I still get asked daily where I’m from

And it totally doesn’t bother me

Really, it doesn’t

I like telling people I’m from Australia

And I’ve never had anything but nice things said back to me

I’ve always wanted to go there

Is that a long flight?

I hear it’s beautiful there

The people are supposed to be the happiest in the world there

I have an (insert family member) that lives there

You get the idea

People are interested

I feel lucky to come from a country that has such a positive reputation, wherever I go

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I was 18 the first time I ever visited the States, and I remember people’s questions were different back then

Do you know Crocodile Dundee?

Is Crocodile Dundee a real person?

Where does Crocodile Dundee live?

You get the idea

The Crocodile Dundee movie was some people’s only idea of Australia and Australians years ago

That’s changed a lot over the years

Travel has changed, and a lot more people have been to Australia

Australia is more known to the rest of the world now

You can always Aussie content on TV here now

Aussie sport

And there’s a bazilloin Aussie actors working over here now

In movies & TV

Nicole Kidman, Russell Crow, Naomi Watts, Rachel Griffiths, Simon Baker and so many more that I can’t think of

There’s Aussies kicking goals in the music industry too

Keith Urban, Jet, The Veronicas

One day, when I pull my finger out the touring slows down, I’d like to do more shows over here

Let them know what a REAL Aussie sheila is like

The only Australian comedian I can think of that’s done well here is Dame Edna

She’s pretty popular

So it’s good knowing that in America at least, Australians are doing well, and our country is known for more than Crocodile Dundee these days

I will continue my (self appointed) role of cultural ambassador

It’s fun

Today’s example – a conversation with Miss 6′s school Principal when I dropped her off this morning

Principal: I just love your accent

Is it Australian?

Now days people nearly always guess my accent correctly. They used to always think I was English or Irish

Me: Yep, I’m Australian

Principal: How exciting!

Do you know the Crocodile Hunter?

Oh fuck, here we go again

Me: Do you mean Crocodile Dundee?

Principal: No, I mean the Crocodile Hunter

Steve Irwin

Me: Know him?

He’s my brother!

She cocks her head to the side and gives me this are you fucking nuts sad look

Principal: I’m so sorry for your loss

Me: Umm….yeah, well…..thanks

I walked off thinking she was a nutjob wondering what she was on about

Then I remembered

And felt like a total arsehole

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I thought I was being funny

And I’d totally forgotten that the dude was dead

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Ahh fuck

Maybe it’s time to get a new ambassador