full moons & gremlins

Was it a full moon yesterday?

You know when you have one of those days when everything’s a bit weird?

Yesterday was one of those days for me

And I know you’re probably thinking, ‘well most of your days seem kinda weird Jenny’

But I’m talking WEIRD,WEIRD

Not just a normal day in the life of my family every day weird, you know?

Just one funky thing after another

Weird emails, weird food, weird people

At the Cardiff show last night I met a lady called Jenny who has named her dog Fluffy and has my name tattooed on her shoulder

She wanted to know the number of my hairdresser

Mkay?

As we were leaving the venue, we stopped to sign a CD the theatre manager had. It was for a mate of ours, John

(John used to work at the Cardiff venue but has some health problems right now and couldn’t make it to the show last night. We missed him – he’s such a top bloke)

And then I lost my camera

Which as you know, is usually being shoved in someone’s face attached to me

I remember having it in my hand, then it was gone

We looked all over the venue

Mum, Dad & Holly waited for me in the dressing room while I ran back into the foyer to look for it

Everyone had left the building at that point, so it was kind of eery

Then the lights went out

And I wet my pants

Fair dinkum, I was shitting myself

I just stood there like a complete pussy total scaredy cat saying, “Hello? Hello?”

Like one of those dumb chicks in a bad horror film

And this little creepy dude appeared out of no where

Him: YES?

Me: (trying to hide the fact that I had wee running down my leg)

Oh hi I’m with the show and I think I may have left my camera around here somewhere

Him: (Not even looking anywhere) It’s not here

Well thanks for going out of your way there buddy

Me: OK then. Well could you let me out please? All the doors are locked now and I can’t get back to the dressing room

Notice how nice and friendly I’m being? That’s the 1st rule in the “how to avoid being chopped up by a serial killer” handbook – you can borrow my copy!

Him: Silence

Me: Or I could just find my own way out I guess (and jump through the fucking glass door)

Him: Follow me

Me: (splurrt – I think this is the sound I made as I shit myself)

So I follow him (to what I am convinced at this point will be my horrific death – but I’m comforted by the fact that I have my nice underwear on, so the the autopsy photos won’t suck)

It’s so dark and I’m trying to work out what I have on me that I can use as a weapon. I have nothing. Except my teeth. Which I have already decided is not happening. There is nothing on little gremlin man’s person that is going anywhere near my mouth. Not happening

We go down a couple of corridors and I swear I can hear the sound of him getting an erection him breathing

We get to the end of the hallway and I hear laughing

Oh great. He’s got mates. What’s the plural for serial killing gremlins?

Seraili gremli?

So he opens the door and my heart sounds like it’s playing a double time drum solo, with a waterfall in the background – ‘cause I’m still weeing

And the first thing I see is…

Mum

Then Dad

Then Hollywood

It was so dark that I didn’t realise he’d led me straight back to the dressing room

And the 3 of them are pissing themselves laughing because they’d worked out I’d been gone so long I must have gotten lost

And rather than come and fucking look for me they think that’s hilarious