the hoarder is in order

So how was your weekend? Good?

Mine? Hmmmm….well I spent most of it cleaning

Which, by the way, I totally blame you for

Because if you were really my friend, you would have come over and helped me stopped by for a cocktail cup of tea and we could have gotten shitty drunk together caught up

Instead, I cleaned. So fuck you very much thanks for that!

Now, I wouldn’t class myself technically as a hoarder – but I can see the hoarder-border from where I’m at, if you know what I mean

So in my office, which is all of 13 x 13 feet, I cleared out over 3 garbage bags worth of stuff

I could have had even more

But I wasn’t prepared to part with any of the kids crappy genius artwork from the last 5 years

My mum never kept anything – so I think I’m over-compensating don’t you?

I’m not at the point where I’m ready to go on one of those talk shows yet

You know the ones, where Oprah is sitting opposite some weirdo troubled person who hasn’t thrown out a scrap of paper since 1975 and now can only stand upright in their house?

So now that my office is not really clean, I’m going to need to find another way to go on Oprah

I even gave my husband permission to have an affair, so I could go and tear him a new asshole cry on one of those ‘woman scorned’ episodes

Or I could do one of those weight loss shows she does

But that would require 2 things I’m too lazy not prepared to do