something about mary

If all goes to plan

By the time you are reading this

I will be home

Well, not home in my house, home

But back in Chicago, at my in-law’s house

For my mother-in-law Mary’s, 70th birthday party

It’s a surprise party

I’m pretty sure 70 has got be the cut off age

For jumping out from behind doors & couches

Yelling, “SURPRISE!” at some poor, unsuspecting soul

She’s such a wonderful lady, it’s going to be awesome to see everyone she loves, altogether

Honoring her

She’s a funny fucker too

But one of those funny fuckers that has no idea just how hilarious she is

Example – the day I met her and Diamond’s dad, Joe

Yeah, that’s right – Joseph & Mary

Very easy to remember for a good Catholic girl even for a recovering Catholic like me

Mary: You likin’ this snowy Chicago weather?

Remember, this is spoken in the thickest Chicago accent

Think Tony Soprano with an apron and a perm

Me: Well I haven’t been around snow much before, so it’s still a novelty…I like it

Mary: This weather’s only good for one thing

Me: What’s that?

Mary: Fucking.

I knew right then that I would marry Diamond

Just to be able to call this 4 foot 10 powerhouse my mother-in-law

Anyhoo

Barring any flight delays, volcanic ash clouds, or natural distasters

I will be arriving at the party about 2 hours after it starts

So all the guests should be getting liquored up have their ‘buzz’ on by that stage

And hopefully won’t even notice my plane hair, food stains down my shirt

Swollen feet and bloodshot eyes

And all the other beauty bonuses that 20 hours of flying can bestow on a girl

Just give me a big hug and a bigger wine please

Not necessarily in that order

 

 

the answer is blowing in the wind

I’m sure most of you have heard about the Chilean ash cloud by now

Ash cloud from the eruption of the Mt Puyehue Cordon Caulle volcano in Chile has been causing chaos in New Zealand skies for the past two weeks and continues to ground flights.

Air New Zealand passengers are the only people taking to the skies today with Qantas, Jetstar and Pacific Blue cancelling all services to and from New Zealand.

Now, I’m all about safety

Especially at 35,000 feet in the sky

We knew last night before the show that our flights home today, with Qantas had been cancelled

To be honest, we’d been following the news all week

So we were kind of prepared for it

And from a safety point of view, I didn’t WANT to fly, if the people that know their shit over at Qantas, didn’t deem it to be safe

So I called Qantas to ask if they had any idea when they expected to be flying again

In one day….two days?

The lady on the phone said that while she couldn’t give me an accurate answer, understandably

She could tell me that the first flight with seats available back to the U.S would be July 4th

Wah….THE FOURTH OF JULY??

That’s TEN FUCKING DAYS AWAY

I was like, hang on – so even if your flights are up and running TOMORROW, you can’t get me on a flight until July 4th?

She said, yes – all the flights are full

Well that’s all well and good lady…but WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR TEN FUCKING DAYS IN THE MEANTIME?

She said, Well we’re happy to reimburse you for accommodation and one meal per day

I said, will you also be happy to call my two daughters and tell them, hey kids – you know how you thought Mummy was coming home tomorrow? Well she’s not, OK…ha ha…joke’s on you!

And then deal with the consequences of that?

I tried to reason with the woman, who I appreciate was only trying to do her job

But it’s hard for two people to have a constructive conversation when one of them is bawling their eyes out

And the other one is a bitch

(It was nice to NOT be the bitch for a change!)

Anyhoo

The conversation ended with her having enough of my hysterics, “do you want to rebook your flight for July 4th or am I terminating this call?”

Call terminated with a fuck you, you fucking fuck

Then this tweet

So  a week ago, when I checked out Air New Zealand’s one way fare prices to Chicago – just to see what my travel options were if Qantas was still canceling flights

I saw how  much of a rip off crazy, expensive they were

My jaw hit the ground and I though, well THAT won’t be happening

That was then

But now?

The thought of not seeing my husband and my babies for another 10 days is so completely out of the question

I felt sick just thinking about it

And I understand that some of you are probably thinking, well, you’ve been away this long – what’s another week or so?

I get that

But once a tour is over – you’d be amazed just how quickly I get out of work mode

And long to be home, and be Diamond’d wife

And Mummy to Macoroni and Magoo

It might not make sense to you and my credit card will never understand

But after getting off the phone to the Qantas lady

I was straight on the phone to Air New Zealand

Booking myself the LAST SEAT AVAILABLE

On that  crazy, expensive one way flight to Chicago

And when I got to the airport today

My heart broke a little

When I saw all the cancelled flights

All the stranded passengers that don’t have any options

They’re sleeping at the airport with their families, in the hopes that somehow they can get to where they’re supposed to be

I’m totally and completely not mad about the whole Qantas deal now

As I sit here, getting ready to board my flight

I am feeling nothing but grateful

And I’ve got a big shitting grin on my face to prove it

And if Air New Zealand really ‘shouldn’t’ be flying in the ash cloud because it’s not safe

You can send your “I told you so’s” to me in heaven, no make that hell

Whatever…just email me.

 

PS – Mum & Dad have opted to ‘wait it out’ for now in NZ to see what happens. The idea of no work and a cosy hotel room with just the two of them, for whatever reason, appeals to them

and makes me mouth vomit