Never too young I say
“..that’s it pumpkin…work those legs
Mama’s got you sugar
And I put a little extra diaper cream on too
Those dollar bills can leave a nasty paper cut”
Talk about a recession proof retirement fund!
If all goes to plan
By the time you are reading this
I will be home
Well, not home in my house, home
But back in Chicago, at my in-law’s house
For my mother-in-law Mary’s, 70th birthday party
It’s a surprise party
I’m pretty sure 70 has got be the cut off age
For jumping out from behind doors & couches
Yelling, “SURPRISE!” at some poor, unsuspecting soul
She’s such a wonderful lady, it’s going to be awesome to see everyone she loves, altogether
She’s a funny fucker too
But one of those funny fuckers that has no idea just how hilarious she is
Example – the day I met her and Diamond’s dad, Joe
Yeah, that’s right – Joseph & Mary
Very easy to remember
for a good Catholic girl even for a recovering Catholic like me
Mary: You likin’ this snowy Chicago weather?
Remember, this is spoken in the thickest Chicago accent
Think Tony Soprano with an apron and a perm
Me: Well I haven’t been around snow much before, so it’s still a novelty…I like it
Mary: This weather’s only good for one thing
Me: What’s that?
I knew right then that I would marry Diamond
Just to be able to call this 4 foot 10 powerhouse my mother-in-law
Barring any flight delays, volcanic ash clouds, or natural distasters
I will be arriving at the party about 2 hours after it starts
So all the guests should
be getting liquored up have their ‘buzz’ on by that stage
And hopefully won’t even notice my plane hair, food stains down my shirt
Swollen feet and bloodshot eyes
And all the other beauty bonuses that 20 hours of flying can bestow on a girl
Just give me a big hug and a bigger wine please
Not necessarily in that order
I’m sure most of you have heard about the Chilean ash cloud by now
Ash cloud from the eruption of the Mt Puyehue Cordon Caulle volcano in Chile has been causing chaos in New Zealand skies for the past two weeks and continues to ground flights.
Air New Zealand passengers are the only people taking to the skies today with Qantas, Jetstar and Pacific Blue cancelling all services to and from New Zealand.
Now, I’m all about safety
Especially at 35,000 feet in the sky
We knew last night before the show that our flights home today, with Qantas had been cancelled
To be honest, we’d been following the news all week
So we were kind of prepared for it
And from a safety point of view, I didn’t WANT to fly, if the people that know their shit over at Qantas, didn’t deem it to be safe
So I called Qantas to ask if they had any idea when they expected to be flying again
In one day….two days?
The lady on the phone said that while she couldn’t give me an accurate answer, understandably
She could tell me that the first flight with seats available back to the U.S would be July 4th
Wah….THE FOURTH OF JULY??
That’s TEN FUCKING DAYS AWAY
I was like, hang on – so even if your flights are up and running TOMORROW, you can’t get me on a flight until July 4th?
She said, yes – all the flights are full
Well that’s all well and good lady…but WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR TEN FUCKING DAYS IN THE MEANTIME?
She said, Well we’re happy to reimburse you for accommodation and one meal per day
I said, will you also be happy to call my two daughters and tell them, hey kids – you know how you thought Mummy was coming home tomorrow? Well she’s not, OK…ha ha…joke’s on you!
And then deal with the consequences of that?
I tried to reason with the woman, who I appreciate was only trying to do her job
But it’s hard for two people to have a constructive conversation when one of them is bawling their eyes out
And the other one is a bitch
(It was nice to NOT be the bitch for a change!)
The conversation ended with her having enough of my hysterics, “do you want to rebook your flight for July 4th or am I terminating this call?”
with a fuck you, you fucking fuck
Then this tweet
So a week ago, when I checked out Air New Zealand’s one way fare prices to Chicago – just to see what my travel options were if Qantas was still canceling flights
I saw how
much of a rip off crazy, expensive they were
My jaw hit the ground and I though, well THAT won’t be happening
That was then
The thought of not seeing my husband and my babies for another 10 days is so completely out of the question
I felt sick just thinking about it
And I understand that some of you are probably thinking, well, you’ve been away this long – what’s another week or so?
I get that
But once a tour is over – you’d be amazed just how quickly I get out of work mode
And long to be home, and be Diamond’d wife
And Mummy to Macoroni and Magoo
It might not make sense to you
and my credit card will never understand But after getting off the phone to the Qantas lady
I was straight on the phone to Air New Zealand
Booking myself the LAST SEAT AVAILABLE
On that crazy, expensive one way flight to Chicago
And when I got to the airport today
My heart broke a little
When I saw all the cancelled flights
All the stranded passengers that don’t have any options
They’re sleeping at the airport with their families, in the hopes that somehow they can get to where they’re supposed to be
I’m totally and completely not mad about the whole Qantas deal now
As I sit here, getting ready to board my flight
I am feeling nothing but grateful
And I’ve got a big shitting grin on my face to prove it
And if Air New Zealand really ‘shouldn’t’ be flying in the ash cloud because it’s not safe
You can send your “I told you so’s” to me in heaven, no make that hell
Whatever…just email me.
PS – Mum & Dad have opted to ‘wait it out’ for now in NZ to see what happens. The idea of no work and a cosy hotel room with just the two of them, for whatever reason, appeals to them
and makes me mouth vomit