something about mary

If all goes to plan

By the time you are reading this

I will be home

Well, not home in my house, home

But back in Chicago, at my in-law’s house

For my mother-in-law Mary’s, 70th birthday party

It’s a surprise party

I’m pretty sure 70 has got be the cut off age

For jumping out from behind doors & couches

Yelling, “SURPRISE!” at some poor, unsuspecting soul

She’s such a wonderful lady, it’s going to be awesome to see everyone she loves, altogether

Honoring her

She’s a funny fucker too

But one of those funny fuckers that has no idea just how hilarious she is

Example – the day I met her and Diamond’s dad, Joe

Yeah, that’s right – Joseph & Mary

Very easy to remember for a good Catholic girl even for a recovering Catholic like me

Mary: You likin’ this snowy Chicago weather?

Remember, this is spoken in the thickest Chicago accent

Think Tony Soprano with an apron and a perm

Me: Well I haven’t been around snow much before, so it’s still a novelty…I like it

Mary: This weather’s only good for one thing

Me: What’s that?

Mary: Fucking.

I knew right then that I would marry Diamond

Just to be able to call this 4 foot 10 powerhouse my mother-in-law


Barring any flight delays, volcanic ash clouds, or natural distasters

I will be arriving at the party about 2 hours after it starts

So all the guests should be getting liquored up have their ‘buzz’ on by that stage

And hopefully won’t even notice my plane hair, food stains down my shirt

Swollen feet and bloodshot eyes

And all the other beauty bonuses that 20 hours of flying can bestow on a girl

Just give me a big hug and a bigger wine please

Not necessarily in that order



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