I’ve put together a list of things that I’d LOVE to see in my stocking this Christmas
Please feel free to pass this on to
Diamond Santa for me
OK, numero uno
A WINE BRA – Seriously, who comes up with this shit? ‘Cause dude needs a MEDAL.. I could wear it on school field trips, walking the dog, visiting the in-laws! Can you imagine how fun one of these would make a funeral? I could fill the fucker up and there’d be enough for everybody! But you guys would have to bring your own straw
FART MACHINE – because farting is NEVER NOT FUNNY. So for those days that I can’t spontaneously
gross you out amuse you, I’ll just pull this gadget out of my bag of tricks and fire away. Making sure to blame you for it
Apparently I am getting a new office, because the girls are getting their own rooms and I’m being kicked out of my old space. So I want one of these IPHONE DESKS pretty please. Or the deal’s off mofos.
If I’m going to waste my time exercising, and probably hurt myself in the process – I’d like to do it wearing these STILETTO TRAINERS, if you don’t mind (size 8 1/2 thanks)
Magoo has asked Santa for a hamster this Christmas – and if that bearded fucker brings one of those smelly little fur balls into my house, he better bring me one of these NOSE CLIPS with it
ROBOTIC BABYSITTER – for those hangover days when you need someone else to do crafts and play dress up with the kids. It’d be a total upgrade from the Disney channel.
A ZEBRA PRINT baby grand piano. OK, so I already HAVE a piano. But Diamond won’t let me paint it and I think that the world NEEDS a female Liberace. You can call me LABIA-RACE
PENIS NECKLACE – that I’d wear just to make the snobby lady at the bank uncomfortable. But I think it’s little bit of false advertising – ’cause this makes it look like it’s ‘coming’ diamonds – which, if that WERE the case in real life – we’d ALL swallow, wouldn’t we girls?
A BABY – I’m not sure where you could actually BUY one of these – but my neighbor JUST got word that she’s been approved to adopt. So I think I might just borrow hers. The bonus? We can BOTH drink during her pregnancy
Faccebook has a ‘dislike’ button and you can ‘unfollow’ someone on Twitter, and even give someone the ‘thumbs down’ on YouTube. But sometimes, actually A LOT of the time, life, especially life online, requires a big ol’ FUCK YOU. I’ll probably need more than one of these
What’s on your Christmas list this year?