my fave funnies

In the sub-zero very-much-indoor-weather we’ve been having in Chicago, I’ve been spending WAY too much time online finding so many internet giggles

And I am nothing if not a sharer
Except with Ranch Rice Cakes
Never those

This video had me hysterical
And not just because it’s brilliantly done
But for the comments all over the interwebs
So many saying, “See I told you they couldn’t sing”
Or, “That’s what you get without auto tune”
Some of the laptop genius’ not comprehending that this is overdubbed and A JOKE
SamRick Shred – 1
Internet Genius’ – 0

Which brings me to this
That I want as a sticker
Or maybe a law
Or whatever it takes to make it a real thing
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This, this is everything
I’ve posted it more than once on Facebook
And it never not makes me laugh
Also, you KNOW there’s poo in that water now
internet-memes-everybody-loves-raymond

And if you’re on Facebook
You’d have seen me share Dad’s posts
Politically correct and family friendly they are not
Because d’uh….he’s my Dad
You should totally follow him on Facebook HERE
He’s a funny bastard with only 190,000 Facebook fans
I know, it must suck to be so unpopular
So, help a guy out and give him a lick like
Screen Shot 2014-01-22 at 1.45.51 PM

This loony lady is what I look like eating lemon meringue pie
Which is why I would never film myself eating it
She’s like a lipstick-wearing-tourette-choking-fruit-taste-tester

Did someone say tourettes?

PS – I want him to sing at my next birthday party
He’s my spirit animal

Lastly, this bad boy
That nearly blew up my Facebook page
It had been emailed and text to me by my fruit loop (wouldn’t have them any other way) friends
It got nearly 5,000 comments and over 2.5 million views
Whoever came up with it is my new favourite funny fucker
And we need to meet and be besties and share wine1560457_10152213848422495_722729934_n
But not Ranch Rice Cakes

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holiday decorating

Holiday?
What holiday?
Well, if you’re me, there’s ALWAYS a reason to be liquored up! holiday to decorate for
Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Australia Day, Valentine’s Day, Easter
Don’t even get me started on all the Jewish holidays I celebrate

February can kind of drag on in Chicago
Everyone’s had enough of the cold and starts jonesing for spring
Not me
I’m all about jackets, scarves, layering and covering up my bits
I love me some winter
Especially if it’s snowing

How is this NOT awesome?
Just walk out your door (or in our case, out our door and across the road) to the playground

What kid (and their parents) wouldn’t want to just go outside and throw themselves on the ground?

Landing face first in soft slush

What, you don’t?
Whatevs….maybe you’re just not doing it right
Like me….who just takes photos while supervising
Someone has to be on standby
To call the ambulance
Yuh…I’M the responsible one ’round these parts

In fairness, we’ve had next to no snow this winter
So I’m happy with however many inches I can get
Never thought I’d say THAT.

We sled
We slide
We hammer each other with snowballs

We build snowmen

Today we made this guy with a St Patrick’s Day theme in mind

Except for the brownie-muffin eyes with blueberry pupils
Not sure what nationality that would be

But green scarf
Green hat
And it’s almost March?

Totally a Paddy’s Day dude
The girls and I shared the naming duties

I chose the first name
Paddy (it took me HOURS to come up with that)

Macaroni chose Scott for his middle name
Magoo ummed and ahhed for a while
Paddy Scott…
Paddy Scott??

PADDY SCOTT….. NOLEGS!!!! 

 

PS – If winter isn’t your cup of tea….maybe my Dad’s day in Australia is more your style

 

so, here’s the plan

Resolutions?
Made to be broken, if my history is anything to go by
So this year, I thought maybe I would just ‘PLAN’ to do stuff
Rather than ‘RESOLVE’ to do it, you know?
Yeah, yeah….HUGE difference….whatevs
You say tam-AY-to
I say I don’t even have an accent, so fuck off.

My list was big
I got a bit carried away and scribbled more than two pages
Waffle on?
Apparently

I’ve widdled it down.
(I meant to write ‘weeded’ it down…but I’m keeping WIDDLED…it’s a fun word. You’re welcome)

And in a nutshell, here’s the plan

Be nicerespecially when I don’t fucking feel like it. That THERE’S the challenge peeps
Do more for others – this is purely selfish BTW, ’cause I’ve noticed for every nice deed I do for someone else, it makes ME walk a little taller
Play somewhere I’ve never played before – Old people’s home, A comedy festival, Afghanistan…who knows!

Read more books – I read 2 books (yes, this means that I didn’t actually READ the 50 SHADES trilogy, I just ‘skimmed’…..it was enough for me) all of last year leading up to xmas, then read 3 great books between xmas and New Years. I forgot how happy reading makes me. So yeah, lots more of that
Say what I’m thinking – and not just the ‘fuck yous’ in traffic. In fact, I’m aiming for less of the ‘fuck yous’ and ‘go suck a dicks’ that fall out of the hole in my mouth when driving – and more of the nice stuff. Like, when someone makes me laugh, tell them they make me happy. When my girls make my heart smile, just because, I’m going to tell them. When someone has nice hair, polite kids, cool shoes, a great smile, whatever…Imma tell ’em!
Be less judge-y – because as much as I hate judgmental people, I am an absolute champ at it. Hypocritical much? Yep. But the plan is to change that.
Write more songs – rude ones, straight ones, kid’s ones. Something for everyone. Be warned.
Go somewhere I’ve always wanted to – across America in a RV with my family, Italy with Diamond, New York with my BFF…. there’s so many places. Even just camping in Wisconsin would be awesome. In a hotel, with room service….of course.
Sleep more – We got a new bed before Christmas, and holy-mother-of-mattresses, why didn’t Diamond and I do this YEARS ago? I thought I just wasn’t a good sleeper. Turns out, I’m fucking great at it.
See Cyndi Lauper – I saw her play live (and met her) when I was 15. She’s still my favourite, and I’d LOVE to go to another one of her shows. She played Chicago last year when I was away on tour, how selfish. So I’m hoping for another chance this year

Lastly, always be grateful – I’d like to think that I am, but I think there’s always room for more of that. Some of the people I love the most, couldn’t wait to see the arse end of 2012. For them, it was a horror year for so many different reasons. For me, last year was the year of replacements. Dryer, dishwasher, heater, bed, car, carpet, couch…you name it. It all either fell apart, broke, or got ruined somehow (hello overflowing outdoor pond that flooded our whole living room) And today, the microwave blew up, so maybe 2013 will be the same. But I know if that’s as bad as it gets, I’ve got it pretty good. Everyone I need to be happy, is where I can hug them, talk to them, Skype them and just love them. That makes me so very lucky
So, while I’ll work on all of the above, if things stayed just the way they are, I wouldn’t complain. One. Fucking. bit.

Have you guys got any resolutions PLANS for this year?
Tell me! 
I’ll pick one comment (randomly) and send that peep a signed copy of my new album F.O.C.U.S.  
I’ll let you know the winner FRIDAY (11th Jan)

UPDATE: Winner of the signed F.O.C.U.S. CD, is AMY WATSON….yay AMY!!