This is Lindsay Lohan

Or should I say, was

This, is Lindsay Lohan now

Umm…’scuse me

But where in the dental handbook does it say meth mouth this look is cool?

I think somebody needs to start showing Miss Lohan some before & after ‘crack’ photos

Give her a bit of a glimpse into her future if she doesn’t get her shit together

Girls got so much natural talent that is just being boozed, binged and snorted away

It’s never too late, right?

This video

Right here

Is the perfect example

Of why I never, ever

Smoke crack

Drink

Before work

But afterwards?

Game on fuckers!

For those of you that watched the royal wedding and had a sense of deja vu

This might be why

And for those of you that watched the royal wedding and thought Princess’ Eugenie & Beatrice looked like a pair of tarted up fashion victims

With their skin colored fallopian tube & blue labia hats

You were right.

I guess you’ve all heard that Oprah is heading to Australia

Pretty cool huh?

Remember when I got to go to the Oprah Show with my friend Ruby?

I even have video to prove it

That’s me doing the Oprah Show Spaz Out Wave at the 3:27 mark

The day I went to the show

The audience received mittens

So, for her first show this year, when I found out she’s taking the ENTIRE audience on a trip to Australia

On a plane flown by John Travolta

Who I realise is totally a closeted gay man

But the tween in me (dressed up as Olivia Newton John) likes to live in denial

I wasn’t jealous at all

Huh, why would I be?

It’s not like I’m AUSTRALIAN or anything

It’s not like they’re going to my hometown Perth

Yeah, that’s right, they ARE going to Perth

On a direct flight – which Qantas never normally does

So you usually have to fly Chicago to LA to Sydney THEN to Perth

Where ALL my family lives

I don’t mean to come across all ungrateful n bratty n shit

But, fuck

Fuck

FUCK

At least I have my mittens to dry my bitter tears

Thanks for THAT Oprah