I got an email with the subject: MEN CAN FIX ANYTHING

With a shitload of pictures attached

But as I was scrolling through the photos

I was like, dude, there is nothing in ANY of these pics that I couldn’t have thought of myself

And I have a vagina!

So here they are, in no particular order

I give you things that any (dumb arse) one, male OR female

Could totally have fixed:

You call this ugly

I call it creative landscaping

.

This?

What the fuck could be so valuable in this hoopty  crap heap, that you had to PADLOCK it?

Your kids maybe?

.

Diamond fixed the air in my car last week

After I told him that this was my ‘fix it’ plan

.

There’s no other word for this pic but stupid

Stupid, stupid, STUPID

How else could you defend, that amongst all those bottles and cables

There is not ONE bottle of sunscreen

It’s like they’re ASKING to die from skin cancer

Arseholes

.

We so needed this yesterday afternoon when Diamond was grilling for the masses

Next week, I’m going to crank out this utensil and just let the shock & awe of our guests wash over me

.

Yo, who’s the perve sneaking into my bathroom and taking pics?

They’re obviously jealous as all get out of, not only my inventive methods of water supply

But also my uncanny knack for interior design

Eat my mould Martha Stewart

.

What’s to bitch about here?

At least the dude is FIXING his truck

And probably about to be crushed to death in the process

.

Who says Lego’s just for kids?

I do, you pair of fruitloops

.

I’m not convinced that whatever this is, is even fixed

It’s a bomb, right?

.

This is just awesome

What the point of wearing a helmet, when you’re going to die anyway?

.

Another brilliant use for an empty Sprite bottle

Besides a bong

.

This is fixed?

I’d love to see the ‘before’ pic

.

Who hasn’t done this with a CD at some point?

It better not be a Jenny Talia CD though

Or I might just have to cut a bitch

.

I’m not sure a slab of concrete would have been my first choice to fix the gear stick on a car

A resin coated Scorpion is ALWAYS plan A

.

This is fixed?

And these parts, that thar letter box is just plain fancy

.

Just awesome

Although the note could have been written more effectively, like

Please do not move stool

You dumb fuck

.

Another fabbo idea right here

Go to the shop – buy meat – steal trolley – use stolen trolley to cook meat

Genius

.

And my favourite

I would jump on board if I saw this little ‘go get ‘em’ mobile limping past

The dude looks like he could use a friend

*thanks Brett

(my opinion, not my arsehole)

So here’s a little disclaimer for the following post

It fucking totally will may get a little ‘rant-y’

My very loud, angry opinion

So what the FUCK is up with all these boat people coming into Australia?

What’s that other word we use for them?

Oh yeah, ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!

And here I was thinking that if something was ILLEGAL

It was wrong

It meant laws had been broken

There would be punishment involved

Silly fucking me

Illegal immigrants here

Who arrive by boat

Are flown to various locations around Australia

In private, chartered planes

Almost $200,000 a week is being spent on charter flights to ferry asylum seekers all over the place

In the 2008-09 financial year, 32 charter flights carrying 2500 people  cost $2.7 million – an average of $84,000 a flight.

They then stay in (custom built) detention centres

And when that’s not available, hotels

It’s certainly more accommodating than where they have come from

They are given money for food, clothing & other supplies

We don’t just ‘supply’ them with supplies

In many cases they are given the cash

And sent off on a shopping spree

Let’s not forget the medical care given too

Wow!

So all you hard working, tax paying Australians

Are footing the bill for this

For these criminals

They are then provided with financial resources by the Australian taxpayer to pay the legal costs of arguing their cases

One estimate is that the cost of removing an illegal immigrant is, on average, approximately $60,000

It makes me want to go out and punch a do-gooder in the fucking face

I appreciate that this is a country built from the ground up, BY immigrants

But these immigrants worked their FUCKING ARSES OFF to make this country what it is

There were no handouts

They worked

And they worked

They became Australian

They EARNED it

It was not just given to them when they landed on these shores

Now look, I understand these people come from impoverished backgrounds

They are seeking a better way of life

I’m just asking that they do it legally

There is a system in place

We have an entire immigration department

An immigration Minister even

Who knew?

Why not spend some of the private plane/hotel funds

On getting these people here the right way?

Pay lawyers/administraters in their countries to ‘apply’ for them

For legal residency / citizenship

Use the money to process their applications

Then each application is taken on merit

And I’m sorry, actually, you know what?

I’m not sorry

If you don’t speak English

If you have no skills

If your moving here would burden us

If WE would have to pay for your food, shelter etc

Then NO

You can’t come

Maybe that sounds a little rough to you

But there are laws for immigration

And as someone who has met many, many people from overseas

Who would give a BODY PART to be able to live in Australia

But don’t fit the criteria

As in: They don’t have more than $250,000 in assets

They don’t bring a job skill that will benefit this country

They try to do it ‘the right way’

They are denied

But hey, jump in a boat

With nothing but the clothes on your back

And we’ll pay YOU to stay here

I know that a lot of these people are victims of people smugglers

And give what little they have to the man in charge

With nothing more than a promise of a new life in Australia

But if we don’t let them in

EVER

Then the ‘man in charge’ is out of fucking business

Australia is no longer a destination, right?

I appreciate that there are many more asylum seekers who arrive by air

And that there are more than 50,000 visa overstayers here

Compared to fewer than 5000 boat people

But the money spent on them surely can be better used staffing our immigration officers

To help them track & deport other illegals

There is so much money being spent on HELPING those who have clearly broken our laws

I just don’t get it

And what about the security of this country?

A lot of these UNDOCUMENTED, ILLEGAL immigrants

Are from Afghanistan

‘Scuse me, but aren’t our boys getting fucking killed over there trying to help them?

Fuck that shit

And I couldn’t mean that more

FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

Why aren’t they trying to immigrate to Korea?

Why aren’t they trying to immigrate to China?

‘Cause they’d end up in jail, that’s why

Or with their fucking heads blown off

A bit harsh I know

But shit, it’s totally working for them

The ‘fuck off we’re full’ mentality that so many Australians have

Is not, in my opinion, the answer

But there are days where I absolutely agree with the sentiment behind it

For the average Aussie, working hard

Paying taxes

Chasing a bit of the ‘Australian Dream’

It’s not easy sometimes

And to see others just show up on our doorstep

And be gifted with what most people here work bloody hard for

Is just fucking wrong

Sure there’s room for everybody

But let’s be smart about this

And do it the legal way

Let the people who have followed the law

And have something to GIVE, rather than TAKE

Let them have a shot at coming here

I know my opinion is just that, MINE

And you may not agree with me

But you know what?

I welcome your opinion

If you know more about this and want to enlighten me

Go ahead

Who knows, maybe you can even change my opinion?

Good luck with that.