play nice

Macaroni wanted me to take her to volleyball yesterday
Diamond was all, yeah, you should go – I’ll make dinner
Took me all of 4 seconds to get Macaroni ready and leave
We got there and the coach said, OK parents let’s go!
Um…where…aren’t we here?
One of the Mum’s leaned over to me and said, today we’re playing a game. Parents against kids
The fuck?
Well played, Diamond you motherfucker

So I get up muttering that I better not break a fingernail or a sweat and head out onto the court – where all the parents, mainly Mums, are stretching and warming up. Wearing their matching tracksuits and fancy gym shoes.
Lucky I’m so secure with my bad-self, or I might have been embarrassed in my leopard print leggings and ugg boots.

So the game starts, parents serve first. And one of the sporty-spice Mums torpedoes the ball over the net, so fucking fast that the kids all duck just to get out of the way.
This set the tone for the rest of the game.
I’m like, really? These kids are 7 & 8 years old, can’t play for shit, and we’re going to see just how much we can thrash them by?
Grownups are aresholes.

My turn to serve. I’m sure it surprises no one to hear that I’ve never played volleyball. My serve was underarm because I suck to make it easier for the kids *ahem*
My first one went straight into the net. I laughed, the kids laughed. But Bubble-Butt-Bertha, in the Brown velour sweatsuit yelled COME ON!!!
At. Me.
My next 4 serves were good, so she left me alone.

Then it was her turn to serve. Her first serve was a rocket. Straight into the back of one of the Dad’s heads.
I laughed my arse off. No one else did
I kept yelling out to my team mates, ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?
I’m so not joking
The whole game, I kept thinking, I hope the kids kick our butts.

And, I can’t wait to get home and write about you fucked up moles.
Bubble-Butt-Brown-Velour-Bertha’s face was purple about 10 minutes into it.
Both from exerting herself (probably for the first time since 1984 when she was in her bedroom, buttering her muffin to Careless Whisper) and because she was getting so mad with me
She continued to nail every ball like her life depended on it, while yelling at her teammates and screaming at her daughter across the net. I was half hoping she’d have a heart attack. Psycho mama.

By the end of the game, I was knackered, the inside of my ugg boots were wet, and I was ready to kick her in the coochie.
Macaroni ran over with a big smile on her face. Mum, you are so bad at volleyball. I think Dad should come next time
Bertha said, that might be a good idea.
Holy shit, it’s like she WANTED me to slap her fucking face. But I was trying to be good. Think of the children. Think of the children. Think of the children. Grrrrr.

I laughed it off and said, well, there’s something for everyone. Sports have never been my thing. Luckily I have other stuff to fall back on. like stabbing stupid over competitive biatches
She actually laughed. And what would THAT be?, she said
She. Did. So.
Then Macaroni piped in,  MY Mum is a famous pop star.
In Japan.
Then she took my hand and we walked off.

I considered whether I should get Macaroni therapy for being delusional
But decided instead to just high-five her for being able to bullshit on-the-spot so spontaneously well

Either way, my new pop star name is JERRY TARIA!


  1. Orr Jerry Taria ish fayvrit J Pop shinga!

    But seriously what a vicious, bitchy, fucked-up cunt. What kind of person gets their rocks off on thrashing a bunch of kids?

    I can understand enjoying a bit of competition/winning but for fucks sake have some self control. I HATE people like that.

  2. you are famous in oz love and england is awaiting ya ya a legend we loves ya even in ya wet uggies

  3. What a bitch. She deserves a hi5…in the face…with a chair. God knows what she does to her kids at home. At least your tribe is ‘normal’ AND have a famous pop star mum, to boot 😀

  4. JERRY>> JERRY>> JERRY Oh sorry wrong show! It is such a pity that some parents have to live their dreams through children. Go and have fun. Lets the kids think they have won.

  5. I think I found this tart’s husband here in NZ.

    We had a Dad at the local school who’s a bit of tool. When the kids had their sports day there was a tug of war for the kids. First we did mixed teams, then boys vs girls (girls creamed it), then we did parents vs kids. We creamed it but one of the bright spark 6yr olds said ‘we werent ready’ so we had another round. All the parents passed down the line ‘play hard but let them win’ – we all agreed except for school of hard knocks Dad at the end who said ‘no way we always play to win’

    Fair enough if it’s adults vs adults, but vs 5/6 yr olds? Please.

    And he was serious.

    So in the end he tried to win when we were letting the kids go but he was really strong so another mum and I actually pulled the rope through to the kids to counter his attempt to win on his own. He thought he was being all macho and tough and we were thinking what a knob jockey he was … when his kid ran up to him and said ‘you suck dad you suck dad, we kicked your butt we kicked your butt’. To which he replied through gritted teeth ‘I wasnt really trying’ And he turned around and wiped sweat off his forehead.

    Yes he did.

    We still laugh about him. Behind his back.

  6. lol You really have to laugh at how seriously some people take life and things that are supposed to be bonding for parents and child, sounds like you did really well !
    I would have been more afraid of how my ugg boots got wet inside with the jumping about in the game than anything else lol

  7. Jen, you’re world famous in New Zealand. We love all members of the “Bloody Wilson” family. You’re daughters are so awesome, their comments and observations are LOL funny. And that bitchy bubble butt mum needs to be drop kicked over a high fence!

  8. Lol,but if people (bubble butt in particular) can’t see how awesome you are then fuck em! I reckon you did extremely well! Had to laugh when bubble butt threw the ball and hit that dude in the back of the head! Just remember all us fans love ya! Xx

  9. Jeez can’t believe how some people always treat everything like a competition where they have to win.
    Its more important to have fun and if all the kids and parents playing enjoy themselves (except for bubble butt Bertha) then bloody great and good on em.
    Maybe you should prove how famous you are in Japan and let rip with a few verses of camel toe and dedicate it to that bitch, of course making sure no kids are nearby as we all know how impressionable they can be. Actually thinking about it some kids these days can teach us a thing or two!

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