I didn’t get a chance to get my hair did before I left home for this tour

You know, ’cause I was busy dying and shit

So while we’re in Melbourne

I’m heading to the hairdressers

I’m thinking of changing it up

But where to go for the inspiration?

Where do I find the latest looks?

What are the people on the street doing with their locks?

Once again, I go to the place where I always find the answers

The church of Walmart

And the absolute fucking champions that occupy their aisles

I’m not sure if I’m a fan of this fragile rock chemo look

But I do appreciate the sun protection the front porch of this ‘do’ would provide

Or how about a bowl cut?

Even if that bowl was more like a mushroom

That exploded and was only controlled by copious cans of aquanet

I think I’m after more of a ‘stage’ look though

Like a Bo Derek meets Cher at the National Dog Show type thing

But if sun protection is what you’re REALLY after

You can’t go pass an albino Elvis with a lid

A more natural look might be this

At one with nature sorta thing

And by nature, I’m talking a 60 year old bleached jellyfish

So many choices can leave me overwhelmed though

And sometimes I just think fuck it, I’ll wear a hat

What better than incorporating the hat with my other favourite thing?

old people Food!

Hot dog hats for all the cool kids please

But for a bit more pizzaz

I could go for a more Three Musketeers look

With heels, football socks, bifocals, fanny pack & trout pout

Then there’s always the let-your-tatas-flop-out-the-front-so-no-one-notices-what-the-fuck-is-going-on-with-your-hair

I’m a fan of that

All this looking and deciding what to do has left me nothing but exhausted

I might just chuck it up in a pony tail

And get a big ol’ back tatt

So you don’t even fucking notice

But I just love these kind of photos

They’re from peopleofwalmart.com

Which is the perfect site to go and visit

If you want to see Lady GaGa’s mum doing her weekly shopping

Or if you want to laugh at the redneck fuglies your having a ‘not so cute day’

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I found it made me feel like the hot mama I IS Miss World

After I’d been trying on swimsuits for my holiday

And I’m hoping that I find some of these bubble arsed specimens on the trip

To hang loose out with

And who knows, maybe we could be friends if I get wasted enough

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Yeah, We could do what friends do

Like, ummm…. I dunno

Talk about our kids and trade parenting tips

And I could pass on my breastfeeding advice

Although some people are just naturally good at it

I could maybe learn some new cellulite remedies

How cool would it be if someone could show me how to best display my ‘back boobs’?

I’m totally taking my camera just in case excited already!

And today’s theme is:

You may be wearing your clothes a few sizes too small if you look like

This

Or this

And yes

These photos were all taken at Walmart

Kind of makes me feel a bit SICK homesick really

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*thanks Gina!

So we’re in Walmart this morning

Getting a bunch of crap that I totally don’t need a few things

I’ve just dropped Miss 5 off as school so it’s just me and Miss 3

We’ve got everything on our list and now we’re waiting in line at the check-out

There’s a man on front of us totally decked out in a suit with 2 cell phones and a pager strapped to his waist

He has his head stuck completely up his arse must be very important

So he goes to pay the lady with his credit card

Sorry sir, we don’t take that card

Man: Well what about cash?

You DO take cash don’t you?

And then he starts losing his shit ranting on and on

Man: Not that cash is worth anything anymore. Cash is not backed up by gold you know. If it was backed up by gold it would be fine. But NOOOO, it isn’t is it?

So it’s just cash. CASH, CASH CASH!

At this point, the cashier, Miss 3 and me, are all staring at him with our best, “What the fuck fuck?” faces on

And then he kind of remembers where he is

Man: Oh, ummm, well ummmm, it’s just that once, along time ago, I worked in the stock market

Miss 3 then tugged on his jacket and said,

Well once, a long time ago, I got bitten by a horse

I’m surprised you didn’t hear the snorting from wherever you are. The cashier (who I think I have totally bonded with by now) and I just pissed ourselves, snorted, guffawfed and cackled our tits off

Mr Business Man looked down at Miss 3 and patted her head. And with his teeth clenched and that ‘LOOK’ on his face – you know ‘THAT’ look? The one that people who can’t stand kids have, when there’s kids around. I actually invented THAT look you know He tried his best to smile as he said,

Well isn’t she just adorable?

And that’s when I started to get concerned that he might be that weirdo that slapped a kid in a Walmart store yesterday

So at that point I got my gun out just put my hand over her mouth and smiled and said

Have a nice day!

You wacked out, self important, tie wearing, voted most likely to murder you work colleagues, childless freak

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.**PS – I fucking love that kid!