losing my shit…and finding it again.

My iPhone is nearly always in my hand, pocket or bag
My iPad is nearly always in my bag
So I’m not sure, how in the last week, I have lost them both
The iPad I lost TWICE
That takes some skill
The happy ending is I found them
But I wouldn’t have, were it not for the app, ‘find my iphone’

It’s like a little GPS tracker thingy that locates your device, and shows you on a map where it is. It’s a handy little feature for people like me, who are scatterbrained and have hangover-brain-fuzzies most days
The first time I lost the iPad, the app was showing me it was in my car. I still couldn’t find it.
It should have been more specific and told me it was UNDER the seat, hidden by empty Starbucks cups and god-only-knows-how-old fries
The second time, I left it at the gym. Because I cannot spend more than 90 seconds on a treadmill or elliptical (totally had to google that word because I kept typing epileptic – and if you’d seen me on it, you’d know just how apt that is) unless I’m watching an episode of something trashy on the iPad. This month’s cheese-fest is season one of Nashville. Needless to say, I fucking love it. When I realised I’d left the iPad there, I called the gym, and they told me no one had handed it in. So I checked the ‘find my iPhone app’ saw it WAS there on map, drove over there, and found it sitting exactly where I’d left it. On the bench next to my water bottle. The lady at the desk couldn’t believe that it was still just sitting out there, and no one had taken it.
Chalk that up as another great reason to patronise an establishment full of octogenarians They don’t steal your shit probably because they don’t know what the fuck an iPad is


Lastly, my phone
The locating map was telling me it was in my house
But do you think I could find the fucking thing?
There’s a little bell, alarm beepy thing, that you can activate (from the app) that is supposed to help you find your missing device
I could hear it coming form the kitchen
I THOUGHT it was coming from Eva and was preparing to cut her open but Diamond said it was coming from the bin
The little ringing bell was so faint, it was hard to tell
It really should be someone’s voice….like Samuel L Jackson saying, “Yo asshole, your phone is over here”
It would be WAY easier to find THAT.

So Diamond tipped out the contents of the bin
And ewwwww out fell my beeping-covered-in-slimy-what-the-fuck? phone!

Moral of the story…
It’s not always Eva’s fault
Old people are honest
That app saved me a bundle my arse
And I’m totally using it to spy on my kids when they’re teenagers

Do you use this app?
You should totally tell me your password so I can stalk you

Oh-my-God how much fun would THAT be?? for me

kitchen table convos…hair & nuns

This afternoon the kids were simultaneously doing their homework and complaining about how much homework they have and how strict school is….and blah blah blah being 7 and nearly 9 is so fucking tough. Not.
Anything that keeps them from their treehouse or iPods is always considered a HUGE injustice. Back in my day….

Me: Well, when I was at school, I got the cane across my hand just for playing ‘chase-y’ in the playground from the fucking nuns
Macaroni: NO WAY Mum!
They HIT you?

Diamond: Well when *I* was at school, my principal grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to his office!!

Magoo: NO WAY DAD!
You had hair?

Magoo for the win.
Every time.

some people

There are some people who take their iPad to bed

To catch up on TV shows
Answer emails
Try and beat their score at Angry Birds

In private

They put their brand new ear plugs in, to ignore everyone better so as not to be disturbed. But just in one ear. They leave the other ear unplugged in case one of the children breaks something needs them. Because that’s how excellent parenting works.

Some people even take snacks with them
Especially the ones they don’t want to share
Then when it gets dark, some people are too lazy to turn on the lights
So they sit in bed, in the dark, feeding their faces, like a episode of Biggest Loser waiting to happen watching old episodes of Sons of Anarchy because they’re a loser the new season doesn’t start until September. Fuck.

That’s all good and well, until SOME PEOPLE drop their snacks all over the place
And….still too lazy to get up and turn a light on – they fish around blindly picking up dropped cookie dough bites that are sprinkled all over the bed
And because it’s THEIR OWN bed, the 3 second rule doesn’t even apply.
They can pick that shit straight up and eat it – no worries.
Carry on.
Except it’s hard for some people to carry on
When they’re choking on a Sony ear bud
Which, in case you didn’t know, look and feel exactly like a chocolate covered cookie dough bites.

I’m like the Mama Cass of ear plugs