I was umm-ing and ah-ing about maybe doing a ‘nice’ Christmas song

But there’s enough of that shit out there already (and I love it!)

And because I can’t send you ALL a card, or give you a Christmas hug personally

And because I checked your list, and a FUCK IT UP FRIDAY was what you REALLY wanted this year

Here’s an ode to all the Mums out there

Or whoever it is in your household that does all the Christmas running around

Ladies & gimps, I give you, the eighteenth installment of FUCK IT UP FRIDAY

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Magoo and her best friend (who is Muslim and doesn’t celebrate Christmas) sitting up the back of their class Christmas party this morning

Magoo’s BF: You know that Santa’s not real, right?

Magoo: Duh, it’s 4 days until Christmas. The REAL Santa is busy in the North Pole.
Wrapping my hamster.

I did a gig last year in Perth and was having fun being a dick bantering with a bloke in the front row. We somehow got onto to topic of his lack of penis size, when a lady a few rows back yelled out, “I can vouch for that!”

I’m like, “So you KNOW that he has a small penis?”

“Yep!”

Okee dokey…

Not 10 minutes later  I started hanging shit on was talking to another guy stupid enough to sit in the front row and the same lady yelled out, “He’s got a tiny dick too!”

I’m not even making this up.

And guess what? She pointed out her 3rd victim ANOTHER guy in the audience, and claimed HE was tiny in the wedding tackled department too. At this point I’m thinking SHE must be  a wet bucket was the problem here

So it being close to Christmas at the time, this song sort of fell out of the hole in my face where the words come out – and NO ONE loved it more than her. So she was totally a good sport about me calling her a whore it

This ditty could go out to so many ladies (I use that term loosely) Like a Kardashian, or a Lohan

Or especially that slut chick from high school to had the nerve to give YOUR boyfriend a hand job behind the garden shed at Josie Raymnond’s 17th birthday party but you’re having the last laugh now ’cause you saw on Facebook that she’s on to her 3rd husband and her arse is FOUR times wider than yours….how’s THAT for karma biatch!?!?

Anyhoo

Merry Christmas to all the hoes

You’ve probably seen some, if not all of these pics before

They make me laugh EVERY time I see them

Surely they were all taken in the days BEFORE digital cameras

Back when you took a pic, and had no idea how it turned out until you picked it up at the photo shop a week later

Because really, if you’d actually seen this shit with your own eyes first

You’d never SHOW it to anyone, right?

RIGHT?

Someone’s a bit excited about the Besty Wetsy doll Santa might bring her this year

This would have absolutely have been my Christmas card this year, if my husband wasn’t such a kill joy. I’m married to the fun police.

Would you even let a dude that looked like this NEAR your kids…..let alone put them on his lap? Looks like he just got done brawling over a bottle of booze in a bag with the other homeless Santas.

If I had a son, he’d totally be the little shit in this pic