I guess you’ve all heard that Oprah is heading to Australia

Pretty cool huh?

Remember when I got to go to the Oprah Show with my friend Ruby?

I even have video to prove it

That’s me doing the Oprah Show Spaz Out Wave at the 3:27 mark

The day I went to the show

The audience received mittens

So, for her first show this year, when I found out she’s taking the ENTIRE audience on a trip to Australia

On a plane flown by John Travolta

Who I realise is totally a closeted gay man

But the tween in me (dressed up as Olivia Newton John) likes to live in denial

I wasn’t jealous at all

Huh, why would I be?

It’s not like I’m AUSTRALIAN or anything

It’s not like they’re going to my hometown Perth

Yeah, that’s right, they ARE going to Perth

On a direct flight – which Qantas never normally does

So you usually have to fly Chicago to LA to Sydney THEN to Perth

Where ALL my family lives

I don’t mean to come across all ungrateful n bratty n shit

But, fuck

Fuck

FUCK

At least I have my mittens to dry my bitter tears

Thanks for THAT Oprah

There’s been a lot on the news and in the papers here in Australia about female circumcision

.

Sorry, were you eating?

.

Here’s the deal

It’s illegal in this country

And America

And the United Kingdom

Canada, Netherlands, Italy, New Zealand, Sweden

As it should fucking be

These are civilsed, Western countries

Where women are treated equally & with respect

But there are some people who think they should have the freedom to carry out this barbaric ritual in Australia

.

I understand in some countries female genital mutilation is acceptable

Part of the culture

And abides by people’s religious beliefs

Your country, your rules

.

But here’s the thing

This is Australia

Where, as much as it might offend you, it’s OK for women to keep their clitorises

And you know what else?

It’s OK for them to use them too

To touch them

To have them touched

And, here’s where I know it REALLY bothers you

Bring a woman PLEASURE

‘Cause you can twist it and word it all you like

Wrap it up in a big blanket called religion

But what it boils down to is a woman’s right for satisfaction

Pleasure, orgasm even

And that’s the crux of this debate

.

Your culture doesn’t believe that women are equal

Your culture treats them as second class citizens

And their right to sexual pleasure?

Forget about it

That’s reserved for men only

But you know what, I may not agree with it

In fact I can’t begin to tell you how fucked up I think your way of life is

The idea that this custom is carried out on little girls makes me sick to my stomach

As a woman, I find it wrong, repressive & completely repulsive

But that’s just my opinion

.

But you chose to come to Australia

A Western country

Why did you do that and insist on bringing your prehistoric & cruel ways with you?

If your country & culture is so vital to your existence

Then why did you choose to live here?

I have to believe that there was something good about Australia & it’s people that made you decide to be here

Then why not respect our laws?

Our culture

And yes, our women

.

You know, there’s a lot more I could write about this

And try to be reasonable

Present a thought out, well worded argument

But I think the five words that sum it up best

FIT IN OR FUCK OFF

And take your rusty fucking razor blades with you

I’m sure a lot of you are familiar with the name Jessica Watson

Especially the Aussies reading this

She’s 16 years old

And has just spent 210 days at sea (in her pink boat)

Alone

Unaccompanied

Sailing solo around the world

Yeah, that’s right

She’s SIXTEEN!

They say it’s not a world record

As they don’t keep records for under 18s

To discourage nutjob parents from chucking their kids in a boat and saying, see ya!

In the hopes of fame & recognition and getting their kids taken away from them

I gotta say

Sailing doesn’t appeal to me

Sailing by myself would frighten me

Being on a boat for 210 days would scare the living shit out of me

In which case I would no doubt die of fright

Meaning, I would shit myself so bad

I would drown in it

How embarrassing

So yeah, no solo sailing efforts for this little land duck

But this kid Jessica

Un-bloody-believable

And she seems so together

One of the best quotes from her, that’s been repeated in most of the articles I’ve read is

If your parents give you the freedom for little adventures,  you can go on to have big adventures

I am completely ordinary. I just put a lot of effort in, had a great team around me and I think that goes to show you don’t have to be anyone special to achieve something big. You just have to want it

I say she’s anything but ordinary

There’s no way I would be that humble about such a major achievement

I’d be all hanging off the front of the boat screeching out the theme to the Titanic

Yelling, where my sailors at?

Can a bitch get her some SAILORS??

Then I’d totally release a calendar with all the sailors

And I’d….oh wait, where was I?

Ahem….oh yeah

This kid makes me proud to be an Aussie

While simultaneously making me nervous as a mum

I’m keeping mine away from water, just in case they get any crazy ideas

No more baths

They can consider it an early Christmas present

And Jessica?

AUSSIE! AUSSIE! AUSSIE!

You BLOODY beauty!!

We all got together while I was back in Perth, to celebrate my sister-in-law’s birthday

I think the fact that she’s managed to put up with our family for over 20 years should make her eligible for some kind of saint hood award thingy is an achievement on it’s own

And she’s still kind of normal

emphasis on the KIND OF

So we went down to the marina by Mum & Dad’s place

It’s always so good to see my nephews

Search, Destroy & Leadbelly

The twins are 11 now

And Leadbelly will be 8 later this year

All 3 of them are nearly as tall as me

and have been since they were like, FIVE how scary is that?

They’re such good kids

And sat patiently while the adults talked bullshit & drank too much caught up

And when boredom set in

The good ol’ iPhones saved the day

The boys even overcame my gay blingy sparkly, girl phone covers

And created some fugly Poppy pics fun stuff

It’s always a big BOOOOOO saying goodbye to the boys

And goodbye to this

These sunsets are pretty special

Maybe one day soon Diamond & I will have our own speccy sunsets

And a bigger house so my nephews can come & stay with us whenever they want

For as long as they want

And I’ll never let them leave keep them forever

Some might call it kidnapping

I call it AUNTY-LOVE