Did you have video of your wedding day?

I did

But I have no idea where it ended up and have never seen it

Shit like that will go down when you have 2 weddings in a week

On opposite sides of the globe

Rather than dwell on the sadness of no footage of me doing the conga while double fisting pints of Khalua

When I long for memories of my big day

I watch this video

And pretend that it’s really me & Diamond in this magical, fairy land

Oh the music!

The acting!

The sound effects!

The acting!

The location!

The acting!

The visual effects!

THE fucking ACTING!!

No matter what my REAL wedding video had on it

It could never compare to the fabulousity that these Russian newlyweds have come up with

Their imagination knows no bounds

Can you imagine their home made PORN?

Look at these little girls

How cute are they?

We saw them at Johannesburg airport

On one of our many stops there

As we flew to a different city (via Joburg)

16 flights in 13 days

But these little sweethearts made this day kinda awesome

They were dancing and singing up a storm

I could have watched them all day

I filmed them until my memory card was full

I couldn’t help but think how much my 2 girls would have loved to see them

These little girls, that were probably around the same age

Who lives couldn’t be more different

I bet they would have so much fun playing and dancing together

It made me so happy to stand there and watch them

But it also made me a little sad

Wondering what their lives were like

There smiles were dazzling

So bright

I wanted to take them home with me

But I’m pretty sure that that shit’s probably illegal

I couldn’t tell who the guy was behind them

The one playing the drum

Was he one of their Dad’s?

Was he their boss?

Their Fagan?

Their pimp?

He didn’t smile at all

So I waited ‘til he wasn‘t looking

And I gave them all my money

So did Dad

I hope they spent it on lollipops and unicorns

I know I talk a lot about the snow

I love it

I think I’m always going to love it

No matter how long I’m in Chicago

I don’t know how to not sound cheesy when I say this

But it’s just beautiful

It makes everything that would otherwise look dead and lifeless

Look stunning

But enough about the snow

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Look where I’m headed next week suckers!

So, while I love the snow blah, blah, blah-dy, blah

I’m more than happy for a bit of a change up

And the QUEENSLAND TOUR is going to provide the polar opposite weather to what we’re having here right now

But I think I can handle it

Even though home is where the heart is

I’ll be where it’s warm

While the kids are back here

Probably making snow angels if this weather continues

And I’ll miss them like I always do

And I might even miss Diamond a bit too

My own ‘special’ snow angel

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(Diamond’s ACTUAL butt not used in this post – but I think they just might be his boots)

Miss 6 has a wobbly tooth

No biggy really

She’s already lost 2

Except both other times she lost a tooth

I was away

So I am determined to be here when this one falls out

I was worried that she was going to lose it last week while I was away

So I put supa-glue in her corn flakes

I was happy to see it still hanging there when I got back

Only it’s been ‘hanging in there’ for weeks now

I’m starting to worry it’ll still be there when I go back to work next month

So I’m trying to convince her to work on it for me

Her last 2 just fell out

She didn’t wobble them

Pull them

Nothing

That never happened when I was a kid

I remember playing with lose teeth forever

Yanking on them

Tying string around them and attaching it to a door handle

And then excitedly waiting to see what the tooth fairy would leave

Usually some money under my pillow

Diamond must have been drinking totally went to town with the whole ‘tooth fairy’ deal when Miss 6 lost her other teeth

Glitter on her pillow

A certificate from the tooth fairy

And $5 in a little silk pouch under her pillow

Hands up if you’re in touch with your ‘feminine side’?

Go Diamond

So, not to be outdone

When she loses this tooth

My plan was to dress up in a tutu

Fly through the window

With sparklers in my hand

Land on the end of her bed

With fairy makeup on (so she doesn’t recognise me)

And sing her the tooth fairy song

Which I totally need to finish writing

I’m nearly there

First it came loose

Then you finally lost your tooth

I’ve flown for days from the south

Thank Christ that bloody tooth came out

I was going to make the space

And just punch you in the face

But that’s not very nice

And I’ve already been to jail twice

Being someones bitch behind bars is scary

When you’re a sweet little tooth fairy

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But then before school today

Miss 6 tells me that Sara from her school just lost a tooth

And the tooth fairy left her a Barbie Doll

How cool is that Mummy?

And WAY less work than the whole get drunk dress up – get a ladder – fly threw the window – break my fucking neck – sit on the end of the bed – scare the shit out of her – serenade her – clusterfuck that I had planned

So while Barbie might be a fake titted, plastic, slutty, bad role model

That bitch just saved this tooth fairy’s arse!

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*UPDATE – it came out (at school) the next day. So technically, I STILL wasn’t there when it happened. Fuck.