norman the ninja

Can I just start this by saying, I am SO glad I don’t suffer from ornithophobia
Which is a fear of birds (you KNOW I had to google that shit)
Because yesterday, a bird the size of 2 footballs landed on the windowsill of my hotel room.
I was 9 floors up, and thought I’d open the window for some fresh air
And this ginormous fucking dude lands with a thud and scared the SHIT out of me so much
That I actually let out a total girly yelp 
And then……THEN!! The big fucker tried to come through the open window
And holy shit balls I can move fast if I need to
Because I jumped up and bolted to the window and  slammed it shut
Well, I WOULD have slammed it shut if his HEAD hadn’t of been in it 
Of course, then I felt like an arsehole
So I thought I’d share my grapes with him
He ate the SHIT out of them
And wouldn’t leave.
ALL. DAY.
Like, sat there staring at me
Watched me have a nap
Watched me get ready for work
I decided to call him Norman
And he turned out to be quite the perve 
And persitant
I hung some hand washing by the window before bed last night
Only to wake up this morning to Norman, half of one of my shirts in his beak, trying to PULL it through the gap in the window
He’d eaten half the blingy beads off it

MOTHER. FUCKER.

I was so tempted to feed him bourbon from the mini bar
Or stab him with my umbrella
But I decided he was doing it for attention
Looking for a friend, you know?

So I’m currently throwing grapes out the window as we drive to Swansea today
Hopefully pervey Norman can follow my trail of stupid