go with what you know

There’s a lot of jobs out there I’d love to have a go at

It’ll never happen

And not because I’m too old or dumb don’t have the education

Just ’cause I’m so busy, you know?

Jobs like, trophy chick at the oscars – ’cause you’d meet cool people and show of your rockin’ bod in a flash dress

Crocodile hunter – ’cause I look cute in khaki and can say fuck shit mother fucker CRIKEY really well

Helicopter pilot – so when I went to visit people, I’d just land on their roof. Bugger the driveway

Starbucks person – doesn’t really matter which person, as long as I get a starbucks tshirt, hat & free coffee

Minister for Immigration – ’cause I’m pretty sure the dickwad doing the job now doesn’t speak for me and is an academic arsewipe

Author – I’d write children’s books, and illustrate them  myself too, cause I am the shit at drawing stick figures

The person who keeps Beyonce’s boobs from falling out – ’cause that is an artform. I watch that girl get all up in her bootilicious-ness and can’t believe that it’s just double sided tape telling her funbags to stay put

And there’s a lot of other jobs I’d like to try too

But the one I could never do?


A veterinarian

Who has to deal with 124 pound fur balls

With ear infections

And they have to stick stuff in the dog’s ear

To get this cack out


And then when the dog tries to bite her – ’cause she’s got half her arm buried in the side of his head

She’s all, ooooh sweety, don’t be scared

And I’m thinking, scared? Lady, he’s about to bite your face off. You’re hurting him

But she keeps plodding away

Getting all the gunk out

Then she gives him some medicine – and some for me to take home for him

Gives us some instructions

And sends us on our way

But not before trying to shake my hand


So I’ve taken my hat off to a few people this week

Jessica Watson

And parents of sick kids

And now crazy people who do shit to my dog that I would NEVER do vets

I think I’ll stick to what I know

Which is drinkin’ bitchin’ and singin’!

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