No, not THAT big O
*slaps Diamond’s hand away*
So let’s start this one at, well, hmmm, oh what the hell
Let’s start at the beginning for a change hey?
Warning – this is going to be a long one. Not a few paragraphs long either. I’m talking pack a lunch-get a babysitter-prepare for butt sores, long
You’ve been warned
I’ve lived in Chicago for more than 8 years now
And in that time, I can’t even begin to tell you how many people are always asking
Isn’t that where Oprah lives?
Where she films her show?
Have you met her?
Can you get tickets to the show?
You get the idea
It’s the same as non- Australians always asking me if I know Russell Crow or Kevin Bloody Wilson
So, I’ve kind of gotten used to telling people to bite me it over the years
I’ve always wanted to go to the show
But tickets were as hard to find as rocking horse shit
Every time someone (ie; my mum or best mate) came over from Australia
It was always, can you get tickets this time??
And the answer was always the same
fuck off No can do, sorry
So imagine the freaky-happy-dance I did last Thursday
When my girlfriend Ruby called
Note, Ruby is not her real name. She said if I mentioned her in the blog, she wanted a kick arse, cool alias name like Diamond has. She couldn’t come up with one – so she gets a stripper name – OK Rubester??
Anyhoo, Ruby is a huge fan of the country group LADY ANTEBELLUM
And she’d been on the band’s website, which was advertising their upcoming appearance on the Oprah show
If you were fan, you could click the link and enter your name, and go into a raffle type thing to win ticks. I say ‘raffle type thing’ ’cause Ruby insists she didn’t WIN the tickets – she earnt them. OK Rubes?
So Ruby entered, and last Thursday she got the call
Someone from Harpo entertainment phoned to tell her she had tickets for the following day’s show
Now this is where it’s finally cool to be country
After years of getting a lot of shit grief for being a country music fan and, shock horror, a country singer, it finally wasn’t an embarrassment turned into a GOOD thing
Ruby decided that because I was a fellow country music fan, she would take ME with her to the Oprah show
I totally owe Ruby one of my kidneys now if hers should ever fail
But who cares
I was finally going to the OPRAH-BLOODY-WINFREY show bitches!!
After much squealing by me and covering of ears by Diamond, it suddenly hit me
What the fuck was I going to wear?
Oh sweet Jesus!
Off to the mall
6 shopping bags and many melted credit cards later, I headed back home to make my decision
I was determined to think outside the wardrobe this time
Considering my whole closet is chock-full of black, white, red & leopard print
I was going to shake things up for the O SHOW!
Gonna change it up, I was
Red leopard print dress
Oh shut up
Change is for pussies anyway
Go with what you know, I say
So the big day comes
Ruby was picking me up before 6am
So of course, my own never to be trusted body clock had me up at the fucking ridiculous time of 2am
Which would have been ok, had I not been up until midnight the night before watching the Olympics
(Torah Bright one gold for Australia in the Woman’s half pipe by the way – hoooorah!)
So there I was, at the Starbuck’s drive thru at 5:30am (when it opened) getting in a quick fix before Ruby came to get me
And my red, leopard print dress and full face of make up at that hour of the morning, totally confirmed for the Starbuck’s staff, that I am indeed, a lady of the night
Back home in time for the Rubester’s pick up
And we were off
They tell you to be there by 7:30am at the latest
We arrived at 6:50am – good start right there peeps
Parked across the road, and went to the Oprah building (she has several on the block) and got in line
Note to self: when the lady says, isn’t this a cute makeup case? as she holds your iPhone, she’s probably not going to be a stellar photo taker
They started letting us in straight away, checked our ID and the process began
Which was thorough I have to say
Airport security could take a few tips from the Oprah staff, let me tell you
Within 10 minutes, they’d checked my ID, gone through my purse, taken my bra off patted me down and confiscated my phone & camera
Oh yeah, that’s right – me, whose camera is attached like a hairy mole AT ALL TIMES to my person
Was going into the Oprah show with NO FUCKING CAMERA
But so was everyone else – & I understand why even if I did break out in a sweat
Alone, I could have driven everyone crazy with the constant click clicking, flash flashing & oh fuck my battery’s flat-ing, noises
Imagine if there were a couple hundred people doing the same?
So, no cameras
And no bar what the fuck Oprah?
We waited in a room with everyone for a while, which I enjoyed more than words can describe
People watching at it’s FINEST
Think multi-ethnic-housewifey-trailer-trash-rich-jewish-ladies-3-gay-men for the masses
And no camera!
Then they call our names and take us, group by group into the studio where the show is filmed
They seemed to seat us by colour
Meaning, they were trying to spread the colours around the room. Not too much black clothing together – bright colours scattered around evenly etc
One big Oprah rainbow
I was concerned that my leopard print was going to get me shoved well and truly up the back in loserville
And it almost did
Ruby and I were initially seated in the right hand corner, at the back of the room
But then one of the producer ladies (there were several) came up to us and asked of we were Lady Antebellum fans
Our affirmative answer (in the form of vigorous head nodding and us starting to sing I NEED YOU NOW) got us a ‘follow me’
So we did
Further up the front
Until we were, holy mother of God, at the FRONT
Front and fucking centre
How do ya like me now?
It should be noted that at this point, I got the giggles
Which is not uncommon for me to do in times of high stress, anxiety or fear
Calling 000 (australia’s version of 911) years ago, when our house was being broken into – but not being believed by the fucktard operator – because I was dunk giggling too much to give her my address properly. Thankfully our rollershutter’s on the windows came down in time to make the little fuckers bastards panic and run off – but not before falling in the pool
But I digress how unusual
We sit in our fancy front row seats for a while, checking our watches – ’cause Friday’s shows are always live
And it’s nearly 9am – startin’ time
And this dude with a microphone casually walks up onto the stage & says, in a voice totally devoid of any emotion or enthusiasm, ladies & gentlemen – Oprah Winfrey
He said it so flaty, it took everyone half a second to realise what he’d said
But then we saw her walking out
In the fucking flesh
And when I saw her, right in front of me, in the flesh – my first thought was
Jeeeeesus, her head is HUUUUGE!
Like, bigger than my head even
She looked like a bobble-head Oprah Winfrey doll
Like planet earth landed on a midget
And she had no shoes on
And oh Oprah, girl, you have got yourself some butt ugly feet
Surely, in billionare-land, there is a store where you could by some new ones. Or at least get a stunt double?
Or I dunno, maybe wear some fucking SHOES!
I take that back kinda
She’s Oprah Winfrey – her show – her building – her feet – her rules
So then she gets Mr Personality-less to put on her kick-arse-I-want-some red shoes for her
That’s right, no personal umbrella holders for Ms Winfrey bitches
She’s got some lacky to put SHOES on her FEEEEEET
Fucking A I say!
Told you it was going to be a long one
So she tells us that today’s show is going have a few segments
Matt Lauer via satellite from the Olympics yawn
One of the Americans just released from a Haiti prison for allegedly trying to kidnap children bigger yawn
Lady Antebellum – THAT’s what I’m talking about
And a surprise guest
The show starts and Matt Lauer comes up on the big screen and they banter back and forth about the Olympics and who’s won etc
Then he tell Oprah that he has something for her. Something that no one can get there hands on
A pair of red, Canadian Olympic souvenir mittens
And Oprah says, you mean like these ones? – and holds up a pair that she already has
Suck on THAT Matty L
And then she says she has a pair for the WHOLE audience
And I’m thinking, of course she does
Oprah probably owns all the mitten factories in Canada KNOWS people
So, now Ruby and I have our OWN red gloves that no one else has
And you can’t get then anywhere
Except for the 200 pairs for sale on Ebay
But other than that, these mittens are like, EXTINCT for fuck’s sake
The segments over and they go to break
And Oprah’s sitting there drinking out of her silver cup with her silver straw
Which I plan on buying a packet of, at the Oprah store after the show
And audience members are asking her questions, and yelling out I LOVE YOU
I mean, they’re finally in a room with Her- Oprahness and they’re coming out with the dumbest stuff
Then Oprah looks at me – I’m pretty sure cause my red leopard print dress was hurting her eyes dazzling her
And I say – are you ready for it?
I like your shoes
I know, I’m a spontaneous verbal fucking genius
And she looked at me and said, thanks
But I know the whole times she was thinking, fuck off honky I ain’t giving them to you wow, make sure you don’t put the camera on that chick there, her hotness might melt the lense
Back to the show and the surprise guest
After the ad break, they start showing footage of the olympic snowboarding
Then they put a snowboard out on stage
Then SHAUN WHITE walks out
That’s clue three right there
And I’ve got to say, when he walked up on stage I thought, this guy has the body of a 12 year old half of the women in that room went, DOLLOP
It was like one, big, collective CRACKING-OF-A-MOISTY
Wasn’t it Ruby?
I’m not sure what the attraction is to be honest
He is a ranga afterall
But, I gotta say, a totally cool guy
Very laid back – with his head well and truly screwed on straight
As apposed to up his arse
I liked him
And after his segment, they sat him in the front row
And for the girl who had to give up her seat for him and go sit up the back?
Sucks to be you lady!
So, now ginger nuts Shaun White is sitting right next to us
And he asks Ruby if she wants to hold his gold medal
I’m thinking she’d have rather held his wedding tackle hand
But she settled for the Gold
And her excitement is a reminder to us all, ladies
Always pack a spare pair of undies
We all got to touch it
It was big & heavy
I would sooooo love to have pictures of all of this to show you
But, like I said, once we were inside – I got nothing for you
So, in the interest of leaving no detail to the imagination
I give you my interpretation
Straight from preschool art class my memory bank to you
Oh, hang on
That’s not quite the end
Once I got my camera back
I took some pics outside
And in the car on the way home
All mittened up
The END end
Until I post some video
Which won’t be for a while
So go for a walk or something
I know your arse has got to be hurting from sitting so long
Yeah, mine too
Sorry ’bout that