When I first moved to the States I lived in Nashville for a couple of years
Had a lot of fun & made some great mates
I don’t get back there nearly as often as I’d like
It’s a great town if you like country music and bbq ribs full of fun stuff and people
Nashville is where I first started having problems with what I shall refer to as my six million dollar tooth
My SMT if you will
I had a toothache that went bad
Like my gums were giving birth to a pod of pygmy hippos kind of bad
So after realising that alcohol was not the best medicine in this case, I finally relented and went to the dentist
For those of you aren’t familiar with my pain allergy and masters degree in woos-i-ness, just know that I have been known to call for an ambulance for a paper cut
So being a big girl and going to the dentist was fucking torture a big deal for me
After examining my tooth he ‘tsk tsked‘ a bit wanker and then told me 2 words I hoped to never hear
No, no those two words. They came a few years later
Me: Oh fuck – can’t you just give me a new tooth?
Him: No. We can fix this one
Me: Well, how about I just learn to smile from the one side, like this?
(I strike a pose)
That way you won’t even notice it if I don’t have the root canal and it ends up falling out
Me: Oh man. OK then – but I’m going to need drugs
Lots of drugs
Sure we have pain medication and the like
Me: I don’t think you understand
I’m talking copious amounts of class A narcotics
Him: We’ll see what we can do
So to cut to the chase (what does that mean anyway?)
I had the root canal
It didn’t hurt too bad when he did it
OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD!
You can slap me on the arse and call me a pussy, but that shit is for motherfuckers
My eyes are watering just thinking about it
After it was all done I was booked to go back to get the tooth capped
And of course I totally didn’t go
What’s the worse thing that could happen?
Let me tell you what the worse thing that could happen
You could be singing on stage (I can’t remember where, I blacked out from the pain alcohol) and have someone run up and stab you in the mouth with rusty Aztec spear
OK, so that didn’t actually happen
But Jeeeesus, that’s what it felt like
It hurt so bad
So I go to the dentist, a new one cause the other one wouldn’t give me the keys to the drug cabinet because I was now living in Chicago
He told me that because I didn’t have the tooth capped after the root canal, I was a stupid mole it had cracked and my gum was now growing through the cracks
Are you eating? Yeah, it paints a lovely picture doesn’t it?
So after he promised to give me as much gas, viacodon and elephant tranquilisers as I needed, I agreed to let him take it out and then give me a new tooth
Many appointments where I was as high as a kite and may have said innappropriate things to the ugly dental assistant later…
I got a new tooth
I’ve had my new tooth for a while now
I like my tooth
I went through a lot to get my new tooth
It’s kind of cool looking don’t you think?
Oh, why is it in my hand you ask?
Because the cock-sucking-mental-anguish-causing-mother-fucking-six-million-dollar-nearly-died-from-a-drug-overdose-because-of-it piece-of-dental-CRAP, fell-the-fuck-out today