dental fuss

When I first moved to the States I lived in Nashville for a couple of years

Had a lot of fun & made some great mates

I don’t get back there nearly as often as I’d like

It’s a great town if you like country music and bbq ribs full of fun stuff and people

Nashville is where I first started having problems with what I shall refer to as my six million dollar tooth

My SMT if you will

I had a toothache that went bad

Really bad

Like my gums were giving birth to a pod of pygmy hippos kind of bad

So after realising that alcohol was not the best medicine in this case, I finally relented and went to the dentist

For those of you aren’t familiar with my pain allergy and masters degree in woos-i-ness, just know that I have been known to call for an ambulance for a paper cut

So being a big girl and going to the dentist was fucking torture a big deal for me

After examining my tooth he ‘tsk tsked‘ a bit wanker and then told me 2 words I hoped to never hear

You’re pregnant

No, no those two words. They came a few years later


Me: Oh fuck – can’t you just give me a new tooth?

Him: No. We can fix this one

Me: Well, how about I just learn to smile from the one side, like this?

(I strike a pose)

That way you won’t even notice it if I don’t have the root canal and it ends up falling out

Him: No

Me: Oh man. OK then – but I’m going to need drugs

Lots of drugs

He’s all,

Sure we have pain medication and the like

Me: I don’t think you understand

I’m talking copious amounts of class A narcotics

Got it?

Him: We’ll see what we can do

So to cut to the chase (what does that mean anyway?)

I had the root canal

It didn’t hurt too bad when he did it

But afterwards?

You can slap me on the arse and call me a pussy, but that shit is for motherfuckers

My eyes are watering just thinking about it

After it was all done I was booked to go back to get the tooth capped

And of course I totally didn’t go

What’s the worse thing that could happen?

Let me tell you what the worse thing that could happen

You could be singing on stage (I can’t remember where, I blacked out from the pain alcohol) and have someone run up and stab you in the mouth with rusty Aztec spear

OK, so that didn’t actually happen

But Jeeeesus, that’s what it felt like

It hurt so bad

So I go to the dentist, a new one cause the other one wouldn’t give me the keys to the drug cabinet because I was now living in Chicago

He told me that because I didn’t have the tooth capped after the root canal, I was a stupid mole it had cracked and my gum was now growing through the cracks

Are you eating? Yeah, it paints a lovely picture doesn’t it?

So after he promised to give me as much gas, viacodon and elephant tranquilisers as I needed, I agreed to let him take it out and then give me a new tooth

Many appointments where I was as high as a kite and may have said innappropriate things to the ugly dental assistant later…

I got a new tooth

I’ve had my new tooth for a while now

I like my tooth

I went through a lot to get my new tooth

It’s kind of cool looking don’t you think?

What’s that?

Oh, why is it in my hand you ask?

Because the cock-sucking-mental-anguish-causing-mother-fucking-six-million-dollar-nearly-died-from-a-drug-overdose-because-of-it piece-of-dental-CRAP, fell-the-fuck-out today

That’s why!


  1. Might as well go to boots and in the dental care section pick up a pot of crown cement for about £6 and stick it back in your self lol Saves a trip to the dentist for him to do exactly the same thing!!!

  2. When in the dentist chair as the chair goes back and the dentist comes over, grab him by the balls and give them a little squeeze but do not let go. Ask him ” We are not going to hurt each other are we?”
    The best way I found to get some releif is get your tooth and put in on the driveway, Get the biggest hammer you can find and hit and bash and smash that little white thing to a million pieces while saying NO ACHE YOU BASTARD. Made me feel a whole lot better.

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