For those of you living under a
really large rock
It’s just about here!
What, you say?
THE ROYAL WEDDING, PEOPLE
THE ROYAL WEDDING
IT’S ON FRIDAY
FOR FUCK’S SAKE
CAN I TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK NOW?
So yeah, Will & Kat are getting hitched on Friday
And I, like a bazillion other peeps
Will probably check it out on TV
I mean, it’s not like I’m going to hold it against Willy
That some fucker at immigration was a complete wankstain
And wouldn’t even let me in the country
But I am starting to think it might have been a conspiracy
I think maybe, just maybe
They wanted to keep me away
Purely as a precaution
Not that I’m a legitimate threat
To Kate, that is
Willy’s not really my type
Premature balding and a fugly for a step-mum
Don’t make the package all that appealing
But I guarantee his bachelor party would have been a shitload more fun with me there
A little Thunder From Down Under
Jenny Talia style
All class with some Aussie arse
With a finale that included paintbrushes, vegemite, boomerangs
A stripper pole and some INXS cranked uppity UP
How’s THAT for a visual?
So yeah, whatevs
Me & my online bought souvineers, will be fine
I might even have a party of my own
Might EVEN dust off the special Union Jack nipple pasties
That I had made
in size thermos lid to wear for Will and his hot ginger brother
Might EVEN send the Prince a few pics
He’s on Facebook, right?
*for those who have been asking – I got my passport back YESTERDAY. Nearly 3 weeks after the date I was told I’d have it. Can-you-fucking-belive-that-shit?