the ‘n’ word

I don’t mind getting up at 3:30am to go to the toilet

But the not-being-able-to-get-back-to-sleep afterwards?

Sucks balls

Big, hairy, lumberjack, balls

It’s not like I’m not tired

It’s not like I don’t love to sleep

I remember a time when I could wake up in the middle of the night


Fall back into bed

And sleep for hours

Without opening my eyes once

The whole, you-don’t-need-as-much-sleep once you get older

Is it true?

I think it should be you-don’t-GET-as-much-sleep once you get older

‘Cause I’m pretty sure I could sleep 10 hours straight if given the chance

So waking up early, what’s that called?

Besides fucking stupid

It’s not insomnia, ’cause I’ve already had 4 hours sleep, right?


*checks google*

a sleep disorder that causes excessive sleepiness and frequent daytime sleep attacks

Sleep attacks?

I’ve been attacked IN my sleep

Mainly by midgets that call me Mummy that need hugs after a bad dream who then show their gratitude by falling asleep sideways in between Diamond & I, leaving a trail of bruised ribs and snot in their wake

What’s that other ‘N’ word?

Oh yeah, necrophillia

*back to google*

is the sexual attraction to corpses

Right then – pretty sure I don’t have THAT

Although I always had a bit of a tingly spot for Gary Coleman from Different Strokes, and he’s still dead, yeah?


So now that I’m wide awake

And have the Google page open for disorders that start with ‘N’

I’d like to share my gratitude for not having


a severe fear of darkness

Unless it’s like 9pm and the mall is closing

But that’s more a fear of getting kicked out of the shops before I find the shoes to match the dress that I’ll never wear but totally had to have ‘just in case’



Fatigue, anxiety, headaches.Β Americans were supposed to be particularly prone to neurasthenia, which resulted in the nickname,Β Americanitis

I think this would be better named ‘parenthood-itis’

Or ‘I-don’t-feel-like-sexy-time-itis’


Neglect Syndrome

example, a patient in a rehabilitation hospital may wake up in the morning and proceeds to shave his face – only to be told later that he has only shaved half of his face

I once was in such a hurry I only took care of ‘half’ my bikini line

But I prefer to refer to that incident as ‘accidental art’


Even though this one doesn’t start with ‘N’

It’s a bit weird, and therefor rates a mention

Genital Retraction Syndrome

the sufferer believes that his genitals (or breasts in the case of women sufferers) are shrinking, retracting in to the body, or may be removed entirely. It is often refered to as ‘penis panic’

I dated someone with this once

I called it little dick syndrome

You know the type girls – big car, big muscles, tiny todger.

Miss HIM


Relieved I don’t have any of those

Now I can sleep easy

Now is also a really good time for you to send me drugs

For medicinal purposes only

Or a Josh Groban CD

That shit will trigger a coma

One comment

  1. Maybe it’s the ‘NOT GETTING ENOUGH’ syndrome. I can recommend some tablets I heard about to Diamond. Or failing that gimme a shout when you’re next in the UK ;-P

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