fuck this shit

I know, great title for the post

And I tried to rename it

But nothing worked quite as well as fuck this shit

So fuck this shit it is

I don’t like to whinge

Lie

Yes I do

And I’m pretty good at it too

But losing weight sucks arse

Big time

And it’s my own fault

If I could just be more consistent with the whole, ‘sensible eating’ rah rah bullshit that all the skinny bitches from TV are always preaching

I wouldn’t keep stacking on the weight in spades

And having so much fucking work to do to get it off again

And there are no excuses

But between having babies, miscarriages & a love for anything chocolate covered

My size in clothes is starting to look like a phone number

And I’m done

And I’ve said I’m done before

But this time I mean it

Just like I meant it last time

And the time before that

But come on guys, we all know Rome wasn’t built in a day (but if they made it out of french fries I could’ve demolished that fucking town in HALF that time)

And it’s not just because we’re filming for a live DVD in South Africa in 2 months

OK, yes it is

I just don’t like exercising, any kind

But I do love food, every kind

Perfect recipe for a lifetime of freaking out every time I hit the scales

But I want to be healthy too

I don’t want to be the fat Mum

I want to point & make jokes about the fat Mum

Which is very hard to do when I AM the fat Mum

So far on this tour I have worked out every day, except one

But there was one day I worked out twice, so that totally means I’ve done it every day huzzaaaah!

And I just fucking hate it

Exercising is dangerous you guys

I have a workout video

A bootcamp DVD where this huge black man yells at me through the TV and counts to 8 over and over and over

And I have to kick my legs and jump and drop to the floor and jump up again and kick

It makes me SWEATY

Like, YUK!

And it makes be break shit too

So far this tour, I’ve kicked over 2 coffee tables, ripped a set of curtains and knocked the legs off a king size bed

And the noises I’m making are not pretty

But it must sound like I’m having some kind of kinky-orgy-masturbating-festival in my room

Judging by the hi-5 & the wink the guy in the next room gave me when he saw me checking out this morning

Exercising just makes me want to stab someone

I hate dieting, so I thought it would be quicker to just stop eating altogether

So I did

And after 45 minutes I got dizzy and had to be brought back around by the contents of the mini bar

It was a close call

Like today, I’m on the treadmill

Why can’t all those fucking machines be the same?

I like it whent you can just keep pressing the UP arrow, to work out the speed you want to go

But this one didn’t have it, so I had to just pick a number

And I’ll be fucked if I didn’t press 16 instead of 6 and I flew off that mother fucker like a ninja turtle having a seizure

But I got back on

And then my iPod, which was on shuffle, started playing the theme to Ghostbusters and I was all like, how the FUCK did THAT song get on there, but then my mind wondered and I started singing along, doing a little bit of a dance….who ya gonna call??

And fell off the fucking treadmill again

AAAAANNNND I don’t have a holder for my iPod, so I just stick it down the front of my sports bra but the jolt of the second fall made it fly out and hit me in the fucking nose

So now I’m limping around like an has-been boxer with a fat schnozz

But hey, my cholesterol is down

Woop-dee-fucking-doo

I just want to get to the point that I can watch myself on DVD without running from the room screaming

So if you see me with a chocolate in my mouth, please take it from me

I will probably try and hurt you

But you should still take it from me

If you see me with a glass of wine

Step the fuck back bitches – I’m not giving up everything

I even have an app for my iPhone called ‘LOSE IT’

Where I enter in all the food I eat each day and it tells me I’m still a fat ho and laughs in my face how many calories I’ve eaten

I’ve been sticking to it so far

I even went as far as NOT eating an apple yesterday because it would have meant I wouldn’t have enough calories left to have a wine after the show

Apple or wine?

Like anyone would pick a fucking apple

I was really tempted to take a BEFORE pic in my underwear and post it on here

NOT

People who do that are b-r-a-v-e, BRAVE

Me – no fucking way dude

Exhibit A

What I wanted for dinner was this

And these

Followed by this

And what I HAD for dinner is this wank lettuce crap

Again I say, fuck this shit

.

It’s probably kinda stupid even writing about it all

‘Cause I see a lot of you guys who read this

Like, all the time

And next time I do

And I look even bigger ’cause I gave up on this shit and just ordered room service no different

You’re going to feel all uncomfortable about what to say

You know what?

Just do us all a favour and tell me I look like I’ve lost weight

Even if I haven’t

It’ll be better for the friendship

Especially if you’ve gained a few yourself

That would make me happy

A good friend?

Not really

But happy?

Fuckin’ oath


10 comments

  1. Honey you look gorgeous. Just tell those cameramen to shoot you from the boobs up. And make them do whatever fancy work they need to, to stretch you out a little. You cannot tell me that Nicole Kidman is ACTUALLY that thin. Seriously.
    🙂
    BB

  2. Woman, I am a size 16 (which is actually quite a bit smaller than I was. Oops.) so I am right there with you.

    Unfortunately, I imagine touring makes it hard to be able to find healthy stuff that isn’t like “Oh here is a salad or a piece of bland fish.”

    Ugh.

    I hate the way the rest of the world treats “healthy” food. Originally I had thought that healthy food was basically “a salad” or “Oh here’s a piece of no-flavor fish.”

    And then I started number crunching some calories and stuff

    And found out that I can have like… French fries whenever I want, provided I make them myself. And they can’t be fried. They’ve gotta be oven fries. Which is even better because when you slice up a potato and put just a little bit of olive oil (you don’t need much) and a sprinkle of salt and throw it in the oven for a half hour at a temperature equal to the surface of the sun, they suddenly rival the best steakhouse fries.

    Love it!

    But I still have problems with things like pizza and …ugh… white bread.

    I love that shit

    And I hate that my friend who is getting married lost 75lbs

    And my best friend has lost 40lbs in the course of two months.

    I am the last remaining lardass in my group of friends

    This is not what I signed up for!!

  3. Dont worry about it. Even healthy people have to die one day. Why die exercising. With enough neglect you too can have a body like mine. The body of a god. Trouble is mine is like Budda. Love the way you are. Remember round is a shape so I am in shape. Stay the way you are, Cute, Cuddley and with a wicked sense of humour.

  4. If I sent you a clip of me, jumping on a trampoline in a flesh-coloured bikini thong, you would feel so much better…I would most likely be shot by a terrified bystander.

    I, like you, always thought I was fat (even in a loose pair of size 8 jeans). Now that I know what being fat really is (Trust me)…I would do anything to go back in time and just enjoy every moment of every day that I spent screwing up my metabolism with starvation diets and excessive exercise. EVERYTHING in moderation! BTW, You look great as you are…STOP WHINGING!

    LOVE YOU (as you are)…MEan It!!!

  5. First off…. That comment about the ninja turtle having a seizure….. I fucking lost it.. Not a usual thing to get me laughing when I first wake up cause i’m still zombie-fied.

    But anywho.. I’ll sign up for Jenny Craig with ya.. Lord knows i can do with loosing a few hundred kilo’s too. Maybe we can get 2 for one discount or maybe they’ll feel pity for us and let us do it for free when they find out we are from Kalgoorlie. Or maybe they’ll just point and laugh at all our wobly bits. Either way. I’ll be your support buddy…. and drop kick those bitches that laugh at us directly in their vajay-jay

    Keep smiling
    Lord knows it makes everyone feel better when you do
    Sarah

    P.S- As I write this there is a mini ad staring me in the face down the bottom of ths page saying ( look fab and feel great visit http://www.imafatbastard/C‘mon you lazy mongrel.com ) Yeah i’m sure they will help, Their website just shouts support. lol

  6. They’re right, you’re hot (for serious).

    When you’re in America do you miss tim tams or do you stock up before you go back? (please don’t kill me for asking this on a diet post >_<)

  7. Amber, Diamond won’t let be back in the house without at least a 6 pack of tim tams!
    For my girls, it’s clinkers & freddo frogs
    x

  8. In the words of Taylor Swift…… almost

    You’re beautiful, every little piece love

    And don’t you know, you’re really gonna be someone

    Ask anyone………………

    Fuck this shit

    Stay beautiful. xx

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