cue the creepy music

The drive yesterday was a long one

From Naracoorte to Renmark

About 375kms

With a few of the usual piss pit stops along the way

.

There was one place we stopped

That I won’t name

Because I don’t actually KNOW the name

That will go down as THE WIERDEST stop we’ve ever had

.

In fairness to the town ‘that I don’t know the name of’

It wasn’t their fault

There happened to be a tour bus full of people pull in at the same time we did

And I use the term ‘people’ super loosely

These people, for want of a better term were fucking freaks

And I’m not even exaggerating for once

.

Let’s start with the young couple sitting on the curb outside the ladies toilets

Smoking a joint

Oh yes they were

Not the weird bit

They were covered, and I mean covered, head to toe, in tattoos

Not the weird bit

They both had white contact lenses in

Almost the weird bit

They had horns

Yes, THAT’S the weird bit

I shit you not

They’d had something imbedded in their foreheads

Two things

Under their skin, to make it look like they had horns

Total fuckery right?

So wrong

.

I didn’t have my camera

So I just kept my eyes to the ground and walked past them to the toilet

.

Then when I was IN the toilet

I heard someone, I’m assuming it was a lady

Walk in, lock the door in the cubicle next to me

And start groaning

Loudly

Then she (it?) started moaning

I couldn’t work out if she was buttering her muffin

Or pushing out a 10 pound turd

Either way, she gave me stage fright

And I got out of there before I could even do my my business

.

Then I went into to truck stop for a drink

And walked pass a little Asian midget

That made snot actually shoot out of my nose

From trying to hold my laugh in and failing miserably

He was, at most, 4 feet 5 inches

With a bright red face

That was so swollen it looked like he’d been holding his breath a year

And he waddled like a duck

With  a cucumber up his butt

And his fingers were like 10 little cocktail sausages

.

At that point I was like, fuck this

There’s no way anyone is going to believe this shit

So I went back to the car and got my camera

Walked back to the store to get some pics

But the devil horned kids had gone back to their bus

And Bruce Lee the Ballon Boy was gone too

.
I was spewin’ I didn’t catch them

.

But then there’s was this

Proof that I WAS still in the twighlight zone

.

The photos probably don’t truly convey just how HUGE this woman was

And black

Not like African American or Aboriginal black I’ve seen in my life

I’m talking INK black

And the tallest woman I’d ever see

Fuck, the tallest PERSON I’d ever seen

She just shuffled around the shop

Mumbling to herself

She looked like she was dressed up for church or something

And didn’t appear to speak English

I was stealthy taking her photo, hoping she wouldn’t see me

‘Cause I may be a solid slice of midget fatty myself

But this boot polished pogo stick could have drop kicked my arse into next week if she wanted to

She was like a 8 foot stick of licorice on steroids

.

She freaked Dad out

Mum didn’t even get out of the car

And poor Holly had to clean the windows by himself

‘Cause once I got back in the car

I was NOT coming out

Until I saw them all get back on the bus

And drive very fucking far away