bar flies

The hotel we stayed at on our trip had 6 restaurants and 4 bars

So, right there, you know why we picked it

One of the bars was a piano bar

I love piano bars

I met Diamond in a piano bar

I’ll tell you about one day (but not while Dad’s reading these blogs!)


So they had this one guy playing, Heston

Just like Charlton Heston – but without the Charlton

Really cool dude

With the patience of a saint

‘Cause every night a bunch of drunks people sat around the piano singing so fucking badly it’d make your ears bleed

I gotta say, it was ridiculously entertaining

If you’re a fan of train wrecks people watching, it’s totally the shit!

We checked it out a few times while we were there

And every time, there was this one lady and her boyfriend there

Diamond and I tried to work out how old she was, but it was hard

Her face looked to be in her 30’s

But her hands were like 70

I’m thinking she spends a bit of time at her not very good plastic surgeon’s office

I’ll never understand why people, mainly women, go under the knife to try and look younger

When they generally end up looking atrocious, unnatural & a bit like a freak show


Plastic Face was from Canada

And she worked in a piano bar there

So every night, she had to get up at least once, to show us her stuff

In all fairness, she wasn’t the Mayor of Sucktown

But she I think she went there for holidays

If I was sober could play the piano better I would have loved to got up and cranked out CAMEL TOE

And not just ’cause she was rocking one either


But then

On the last night

After 12 hours of margaritas, daiquiris and any other drink that had an umbrella in it red wine

Had me in shit stirring mode

And feeling a bit bullet proof

And apparently a bit musical too

Because I slid right on that piano stool

And did a drunk as fuck pretty average version, of Plastic Face’s pretty fucking average version

Of Blue Moon

I will never be able to hear that song again without wincing and covering my ears

Bad doesn’t even begin to cover it

Not only am I now the Mayor of Sucktown

It backfired on me

‘Cause Plastic Face took my wailing like her it as a compliment

Gave me her number

And offered to give me piano & singing lessons if I’m ever in Canada

Like a mentor, she said

I mean, why WOULDN’T I want to BE her when I grow up?


Dear God, I changed my mind



I’ve come to realise that it’s better than the fucking alternative

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