hairy muff

Now, everyone has their own favourite word for their vajay-jay

Don’t we girls?

And I know boys do too

To quote a crazy old bastard dad’s song, “You Can’t Say Cunt In Canada”

Muff, mutt, minge, twat, tinkle, little flower, tunnel of love

In my house, growing up, my mum always called it a LADY

Oh yeah, that’s what I said

It was MY LADY

I assumed it was because it kinda looked like a lady bug?!?!

But my brother really got the fuck story

He called his boys bits his DOODLE

And don’t think HE didn’t cop shit for THAT in school

In an effort to not let his boys suffer the same humiliation, he taught all three of them the word PENIS before they could walk

Poor bastard


Muff was always a word I used with my friends whenever we needed a word for our vajay-jays

So imagine my pure fucking horror surprise when Miss 6 told me last week that she wanted just one more thing for Christmas

Can I please, please PLEEEEEASE have my own muff for Christmas Mummy?

I pretended I didn’t hear her as I reached for the scotch was cooking dinner

That’s going to be my plan as she grows up

I’m just going to ignore everything

Mum, I have a boyfriend

Can’t hear you

Mum, I’m pregnant


Mum, I want to be a comedian too

Jump in front of bus



I thought my ignorance was working, but she just got louder

MUMMMEEEEEEE! Can I please have a hairy muff for Christmas?

I want one just like my favourite doll has

Hers is white and soooo pretty

OK – so now she’s got my attention

Doll? What fucking doll?

Did Diamond buy a new blow up blonde that I haven’t met yet?

So I asked her, while trying my best to keep a straight face

You have a doll with a white hairy muff?

She gives me that head tilted to the sideΒ god you’re a fucktard mum look that she’s getting better at

Duh Mum, Chrissie!

My Christmas doll

Oooooh Chrissie!

I know the doll she means

A cute little thing she takes everywhere

I had no idea she had a hairy muff

Or even that she’d hit puberty

And then she showed her to me again


Her muff on her hands

I want a white one JUST like that

Pleeeease Mummy!!!

OOOOOOOH, so THAT’S what you call that hand-warmer-thingy on her hands

I totally knew that you know

Fuck off, I did!


So I spent a looooong time on the internet searching for a white hairy muff

Google THAT and see what you come up with, I dare ya!

Found not just one, but 2

From a cute little kids boutique in Boston

Paid too much, they arrived 2 days later

And are sitting in the basement, wrapped and ready for Christmas day

But, the one thing that Miss 6 didn’t tell me

She’d asked Grandma for a hairy muff for Christmas too

And Grandma came over yesterday with 2 hairy muffs

A white one for Miss 6

And a black one for Miss 4

So my mother-in-law has out-muffed me this Christmas

And the girls Muffs hang pride-of-place on the toy room door

And my poor unwanted, reject muffs are sitting useless downstairs

Can you even return muffs if they’re unused?



FYI – I’m laughing my arse off as I hearΒ Miss 4 upstairs, jumping on her bed yelling

I have the hairiest muff. The blackest hairiest muff”

Oh, if only she knew

She’s part Italian, so one day there’s every chance that that comment is going to come back and bite her in the arse

And cost her a fortune in waxing


  1. This is the funniest thing ive ever herd i dread to think what will come up if i type this in on google! ! probs not a good idea 2 be reading this in the middle of a lecture en everyone dead silent and all u can hear is me giggling ! always come back to this if i need a giggle lol

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