I need to start this blog by letting you know that my laptop is at the fucking mac store again laptop hospital
I won’t go into ‘WHY’
‘Cause I’d really rather not use the expression CUNTYCUNT at Christmas time
So, today’s blog is being sent to you from Diamond’s laptop
It may smell a little like beer
So I’ll apologise in advance for that
It’s snowing today
Did you hear me?
IT’S FUCKING SNOWING TODAY!!
I can’t even tell you how much I love it when it snows
So, for my Chicago friends – and anyone else who reads this that gets snow where you live
You can go make a cuppa or something
As this blog will no doubt shit you to tears
Oh, and Chicago friends?
When it snows, you drive like ARSEHOLES!
To be fair, Diamond did warn me about you guys
He said, “Chicago drivers, when it rains, drive 5 miles per hour. When it snows? They go 100!”
And you know what?
He’s right! (don’t tell him I said that)
We’ve just had a light dusting of snow here the last couple of days
Making everything look so pretty and Christmassy
It’s also making the locals drive like their competing in a fucking demolition derby for Christ’s sake
Yesterday, I was coming up to a stop sign
And the 2 cars in front of me went nuts
The first one skidded straight through the sign
And the second one spun out and ended up with her car facing mine and our bumpers touching
And the car behind me, slid right up on the footpath, just missing me
I mean, don’t you think there’s a problem when the AUSTRALIAN, with her fuck all limited experience driving in the snow, is the one that stops properly?
Granted, I had my car in 4WD mode, and Diamond’s voice in my ear, “Don’t drive like a woman too fast”
And I would never profess to being a great driver
So I blame this white knuckled driving for driving me to drink more
And it’s too early for the pub to be open motherfuckers
So, this will have to do for now
The weather channel is reported that we’re expecting a huge snow storm in the next 24 hours
Or as Diamond so eloquently put it, “we’re gonna get fucking pounded”
Bring it on I say
I’d better get to the shops first and stock up on food
Well, just carrots really
For the snowman’s nose
Might grab some scotch too
To put in my coffee
That’ll make these fucktards on the road the school run WAY easier
Might give the driving a miss for the next day or so
Could be better for my kids in the long run too
They’re learning some great new words
Well, ALMOST learning them
During yesterday’s near disaster, I kinda forgot the kids were in the car
And proceeded to scream out “YOOOOOU FUCKWIT!”
Possibly more than twice
OK, so it was 3 times
Miss 6 asked me what that meant
And I played all dumb like, “What does what mean?”
(I know somewhere on the other side of the world, my Dad’s chest is puffed out with pride as he reads this)
“Nooooooo, I said LUCKED IT. I was telling the other drivers that they totally LUCKED IT by not having a big crash”
“Ohhhhh”, she said.
“LUCKED IT. I like that mummy”
“YOOOOU LUCKED IT!”
I’m not sure I’m going to be able to get away with this bullshit much longer