snow plowing

I need to start this blog by letting you know that my laptop is at the fucking mac store again laptop hospital

I won’t go into ‘WHY’

‘Cause I’d really rather not use the expression CUNTYCUNT at Christmas time

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So, today’s blog is being sent to you from Diamond’s laptop

It may smell a little like beer

So I’ll apologise in advance for that

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Anyhoooo

It’s snowing today

Hellooooo…..

Did you hear me?

IT’S FUCKING SNOWING TODAY!!

I can’t even tell you how much I love it when it snows

So, for my Chicago friends – and anyone else who reads this that gets snow where you live

You can go make a cuppa or something

As this blog will no doubt shit you to tears

Oh, and Chicago friends?

When it snows, you drive like ARSEHOLES!

To be fair, Diamond did warn me about you guys

He said, “Chicago drivers, when it rains, drive 5 miles per hour. When it snows? They go 100!”

And you know what?

He’s right! (don’t tell him I said that)

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We’ve just had a light dusting of snow here the last couple of days

Making everything look so pretty and Christmassy

It’s also making the locals drive like their competing in a fucking demolition derby for Christ’s sake

.

Yesterday, I was coming up to a stop sign

And the 2 cars in front of me went nuts

The first one skidded straight through the sign


And the second one spun out and ended up with her car facing mine and our bumpers touching

And the car behind me, slid right up on the footpath, just missing me

I mean, don’t you think there’s a problem when the AUSTRALIAN, with her fuck all limited experience driving in the snow, is the one that stops properly?

Granted, I had my car in 4WD mode, and Diamond’s voice in my ear, “Don’t drive like a woman too fast”

And I would never profess to being a great driver

So I blame this white knuckled driving for driving me to drink more

And it’s too early for the pub to be open motherfuckers

So, this will have to do for now

The weather channel is reported that we’re expecting a huge snow storm in the next 24 hours

Or as Diamond so eloquently put it, “we’re gonna get fucking pounded”

Bring it on I say

I’d better get to the shops first and stock up on food

Well, just carrots really

For the snowman’s nose

Might grab some scotch too

To put in my coffee

That’ll make these fucktards on the road the school run WAY easier

Might give the driving a miss for the next day or so

Could be better for my kids in the long run too

They’re learning some great new words

Well, ALMOST learning them

During yesterday’s near disaster, I kinda forgot the kids were in the car

And proceeded to scream out “YOOOOOU FUCKWIT!”

Possibly more than twice

OK, so it was 3 times

Miss 6 asked me what that meant

And I played all dumb like, “What does what mean?”

“FUCKWIT?”

(I know somewhere on the other side of the world, my Dad’s chest is puffed out with pride as he reads this)

“Nooooooo, I said LUCKED IT. I was telling the other drivers that they totally LUCKED IT by not having a big crash”

“Ohhhhh”, she said.

“LUCKED IT. I like that mummy”

“YOOOOU LUCKED IT!”

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I’m not sure I’m going to be able to get away with this bullshit much longer

3 comments

  1. I’d say you “Lucked It” with your quick “sounds like” response…or Miss 6 is just playing along thinking, “What a f*ckwit to think I believe that bullsh*t”.

    I had a buster in the carpark when the boys were about the same age. They sung out, “That big car is going to hit us” so I was aware they were in the car as I began to rant at the guy who backed out without looking at the line of cars waiting to get out. He dented the side of my car with his towbar! You should have seen his face when I furiously called him a “Dumb dumb poophead”. The kids have never forgotten that and we now use the term in place of wankers, dickheads & of course, F*ckwits! πŸ˜‰

  2. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas – well at your place it does. Here it’s been 37 degrees for the last couple of days (that’s almost 100 for you non-metric people) and doesn’t feel like much of anything except fucking hot.

    I remember once when my youngest was only about 2 or 3, we drove into a sand dune – no injuries and no damage but there was sand everywhere – dead silence, then from the back seat this little voice says “Holy shit” – cracked us all up so of course he kept saying it till I had to threaten the soap, hard to do that when you can’t stop laughing though.

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