sweet carol-ing

I’m not one of those who gets shitty when the radio stations start playing Christmas carols

It’s never early enough I reckon

I have the radio on (loud) from morning ’til night this time of year

But I’ve always been a bit baffled by George Bush getting elected for a second term some of the more morbid Christmas songs

I always thought that songs for this season were meant to be cheery and upbeat

But every year, without fail they play some songs that would make you want to fall asleep with your head in the oven

One of them is called Christmas Shoes

It seriously is so depressing, it’s almost laughable

For those of you who haven’t heard it, it’s about a kid who goes into a shoe shop, to buy some shoes for his mum for Christmas

Nice idea, yeah?

Except the mother is DYING!

Oh the joy this song must bring

Sample lyric:

Sir, I want to buy these shoes

For my Mama please

It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size

Could you hurry, sir

Daddy says there’s not much time

She’s been sick for quite a while

And I know these shoes would make her smile

And I want her to look beautiful

When Mama meets Jesus tonight

OK, now PUT. DOWN. THE. RAZOR. BLADES.

Isn’t that shit just hideous?

.

But wait, there’s more

My other favourite is a little gem called Same Auld Lang Syne

It’s about a guy who runs into his ex-girlfriend at the grocery store

She drops her groceries, they grab a six pack and go drink it in her car

Oh yeah, and she’s MARRIED

Have you ever heard a nicer Christmas story?

Sample lyric:

She said she married an architect

Who kept her warm and safe and dry

She would have liked to say she loved the man

But she didn’t like to lie

And then their beer ran our, he kissed her and she drove off

Jingle fucking bells huh?

Apparently people actually call into the radio station and request this shit

I’m thinking they should be calling the suicide hotline

Nutjobs

My favourite Christmas song has always been I WANT A HIPPOPOTAMUS FOR CHRISTMAS

An nice little happy ditty, that’s great fun for the girls & I to sing-a-long to in the car, at the top of our lungs

They’ll probably never talk to me again when they’re old enough to hear the JENNY TALIA version

But I know you guys won’t hold it against me

So, in the spirit of fucked up Christmas songs, I give you

I WANT A NEW SET OF TITS FOR CHRISTMAS

Your’e welcome

One comment

  1. I also want a new set of helium-filled tits for Christmas…rock hard abs, firm ass, porcelin skin…and a HUGE Lotto win to dress the new hot bod! Santa NEVER gives me what I want…BASTARD!

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