growing old (dis)gracefully

Went to the hairdressers this morning

You know, to get my NATURAL blonde-ness enhanced

Yeah ok, I had them bleach the be-jesus out of it

When the white-trash-hooker-potty-mouth-midget look comes in

You’ll ALL totally want to know my hairdresser’s number

OK, so maybe you won’t


The very feminine and not remotely hetro-sexual guy that poured the peroxide highlighted my locks was asking me what I did

So I told him I said FUCK for a living I was a comedian

And he was all, well isn’t that preshsus?

And I’m thinking, preshus? Rude & crude for sure. Preshus?

Me thinks not

So I’m thinking, OK girlfriend, you just carry on & I’ll sit here being ‘preshus’

And then she he says, what will you do after that?

Me: After?

You mean like after the gig tonight?

Her Him: No, like AFTER you’re done with comedy

Me: Oh, you mean when I grow up?

Her Him: Yessss! Like a real job

Me: I guess I’ve never really thought about it motherfucker

You nosey biatch bugger

Her Him: Well, the whole entertainment industry really is a young people’s game isn’t it?

Oh no he didn’t?

Oh yes he did!

Me: I guess I’ll just see how it goes

Her Him: Hmmmmm

And you know she’s he’s totally biting his tongue at this point

‘Cause he obviously schooled in the art of arsehole-ness tact

Her Him: Well good luck in whatever you choose to do

Me: Thank you?

So I leave there thinking, shit I look awesome how old does ol’ Marvin Gay think I really am?

I think I might just have to go back in there and serve him up a big ol’ bowl of shut-the-fuck-up

But I didn’t want to violate my parole show him I even gave a shit

And then I decided to go to the pub that it didn’t really matter

Embrace it like OPRAH says I say!

I’m going to do it in style too

I plan on be the first woman to go thru menopause…

On a skateboard!




*After I reach puberty of course

One comment

  1. Perhaps you should have said, “and what are you going to do when you fall off your throne, become the Queen Mother and are too old and unattractive to work in your trade? Become a Backshop Bikini Wax Boy, I imagine, Princess.”

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