Written by JENNY TALIA

Billy the kid

Billy the shit

Barges thru the store

Screaming out loud

“Where’s the bearded bastard?

I wanna see him now”

It’s that special holiday feel good time of the year

And Billy’s spreading the love sharing the cheer

He was searching everywhere

On the prowl on the hunt

Then he found Santa’s line

And pushed his was to the front

“Hey Santa, it’s me Billy

I’m here to tell ya what I want

So grab a sharp pencil

Me list is really long”

Billy the kid

Billy the shit

Make you give up rooting

If you got a kid like him

He’s an 8 year old arsehole

With an acid toungue

Make a mother wanna eat her young

Billy the kid

Billy the shit

Santa thought

Oh God

It’s that little prick again

He’s the worst part of the job

Billy jumped on Santa’s lap

Knocked over 3 of his elves

“Shut up and listen Santa

and keep your fucking hands to yourself”

“I want a video game

And a flat screen tv

And an ipod and a skateboard

And a tent that sleeps 3

And one of those fancy

Transformer robot things

A bat & a bike and a new kite

Are you listening to me?”


Santa Claus was knackered

After Billy had gone

So then he thought,  “I feel payback coming on”
He said to Billy’s mum and dad who were standing there in shock

“I think it’s time we showed your mongrel kid just who’s the boss”

“Don’t get him anything for Christmas – just a pile of dog shit

Put it in his toys, in the yard

That should do the trick

Put dog shit in the shed, his sandbox and his room

I’ll bet you both that’ll make him change his bloody tune”


Billy woke up Christmas morning

Excited as could be

“I can’t wait to see the stuff

That Santa bought for me”

He ran all around the house

And started looking confused

Looked under the tree and in the yard

And in the shed too

But all he found was dog shit

Tears welled up in Billy’s eyes

His Dad knelt down and said

“Billy, you alright?”

Billy’s little lip was trembling

And he was trying not to cry

“Santa bought me a puppy

But I can’t FUCKING find him”


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