good morning

My day got off to an awesome start 

I decided to make up for the 10 kit kats I ate last night be good and go to the gym

And this sign made my fucking day

Inconvenience?

Oh, no bother at all

You fucking beauty

I was totally ready to go back upstairs to my room and crawl back into bed  when I spied these two giving me the evil eye

And I was all like, what the fuck, I guess I might as well give the bike a go this morning

 

How do people ride bikes for hours?

 

My arse was hurting after 5 minutes so I got off 

Then this lady came into the gym and got on the other bike

You know the type

All skinny and shit with her matching lycra ensemble, giving me dirty looks ’cause I’m not a size 8

And ’cause I had chocolate down the front of my shirt

One of those grumpy looking fit chicks

Grumpy ’cause she probably hasn’t eaten since February!

So while I’m riding, I can’t stop looking at her, and the timers and stuff on the front of her bike

All the buttons and stuff that tell you how fast you’re going. How far. How many calories you’re burning off etc

She starts pedaling, and within minutes she’s done 6km & I’ve only done 1.5

I don’t fucking think so

So I start pedaling like a demon

Determined to go further

All the while singing ready loudly along to Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ I have playing on my ipod

After a few more minutes I’ve overtaken her by .5 of a km

Oh yeah baby

I can almost taste victory

I’m feeling pretty knackered at this point

But there’s no way I’m stopping

This bitch’s arse is grass baby

After 30 minutes she totally quits, gets off her bike and starts lifting weights

That, makes me, the FUCKING WINNER LADY

And the crowd goes, RAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

 

I feel kinda bad for her ’cause she’ll probably never recover from a defeat like this

So I’ll leave her to do her weights

I wouldn’t want to kick her arse in that too

 

Besides

I’ve fallen in a heap on the floor

And I’m trying to find a way to look cool

While I wipe vomit off myself

 

(But I’m still the winner!!)