compliments on the road

I started out this tour like all the bloody others with good intentions

Walking every morning

Staying away from the minibars in the hotel rooms

Somewhere along the way I got the flu and thought fuck it and never got back on the wagon

I don’t think I actually ‘fell’ off the wagon

I think I was run over by the fucking thing by it!

So we’re in the car yesterday,

Mum: Want a lolly?

Me: Sure

Mum: We’ve been really bad on this trip haven’t we

Me: Tell me about it. This was going to be the trip where I lost 50 pounds!

Mum: Oh well.

Here, have another lolly

Me: I have that wedding to go to when I get home. There’s no way I’m going to fit into any dresses I have

Mum: We could always buy you a tent

A TENT!

Yep – that’s what she said

My own fucking mother

“Let’s go buy you tent”, she says

She is is so fucked in big trouble when it comes time for me to pick the nursing home