Took a bit of planning but now I’m nearly set

Got the babysitter booked and I bought a brand new dress

Me and me husband overdue for some romance

Fancy restaurant, couple drinks

Then let him get in me pants

Got two hours to get ready so I’m gonna do the works

Give me face and hair a makeover but first things first

Dig out the waxing kit that’s never been used

Tonight I’m going Brazilian, I’ve always wanted to!

Instruction booklet says I’ll be hair free in no time

It’s painless and it’s simple the results will be divine

Grab the first wax strip and lock the bathroom door

Put one foot on the dunny and one foot on the floor

Do the right side first, put the wax strip on

Covers all the way from front to back, this won’t take too long

Take a deep breath, brace myself, here we go

One, two, three RIP


I’m blind, blind from the pain, can’t speak, I’m gonna die!

Clutch myself, clench me teeth, try not to cry

Calm down, deep breath, time to check the strip

What? NO hair, where’s the wax – oh holy shit!

Me foot still on the dunny, I bravely look down

Matted hair, wax everywhere what do I do now

This wax kit sucks, no wonder I’ve never used it

The pain is unbelievable, HOW do how do women do this?

I need to think so I put me foot back down on the floor

Like lockdown in a prison I feel the slamming of the door

The wax has stuck me mutt and butt and seeled them both together

Why didn’t I just shave it off…no I’m too fucking clever!

I’ll get me husband? No, he’d just laugh, bloody MAN!

Me cell phone’s in me pocket I’ll call me best mate Sam

She’ll know what to do, she sells candles, she’s an expert on wax

She laughs so hard she drops the phone

What sort of friend is THAT?

OK OK I can do this, I know, I’ll just have a bath

As hot as I can stand it, that’ll melt it all off

I waddle over like a penguin to turn the water on

No bubble bath, this shit is serious, I want this wax GONE

I lower myself slowly in, Jeeesus it’s hot

Scalding, burning oh my God, hope this melts it off

Just when I think it’s all OK, try to left me arse

You gotta be joking, I’m fucking stuck!

The wax as glued me bits to the bottom of the bath

I’m gonna die in here, where’s me phone, I can’t reach the bastard!

I need some scissors, can I reach them? Yes thank God!

If you’re listening God, s’pose you think this is funny

Well it’s fucking not!!

Always wanted to be a hairdresser, so here’s me chance at it

Carving, hacking, chopping away try not to do more damage

Don’t give a shit anymore how it looks I’m gonna be numb for weeks

No nooky for me, ‘cause there’s no way me old man’s touching me

OK I’m finished, I’m unstuck, I slowly climb out

Try hard not to slip and fall and hurt another part

Grab me little hand mirror from the top shelf

And prepare to assess the damage that I’ve done to myself

Looks like me couchie’s just had chemo and me bum’s one big blister

Fuck the restaurant, fuck the romance

I’m staying home and ordering pizza

I’m officially not in service, out of order, on the shelf

If me old man’s looking for love, he can wax his arse and fuck himself!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *