mother’s day 2013

What…you guys are only just celebrating today?

Mum & I got our Mother’s Day on a couple of weeks ago

And my UK buds took care of business back in MARCH!

Nah, just fucking with ya

I realise that Mother’s Day is celebrated at different times all over the world. Which is perfect if you forgot to send your Mum a card this year. Just tell her you were waiting to celebrate Czechoslovakia’s Mother’s Day. (they have mothers there, yeah?)

If you’re like me, and don’t live anywhere near your Mum, we just mark the occasion on whatever day we are together

So while we were in Sydney, we decided our day off would be Mothers Day, and we’d catch the ferry into the city, have a long lunch
Then do some drunk shopping
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On the ferry ride there, Mum said, so this river we’re on the is Parramatta River, and the local football team is called the Parramatta Eels, so that’s because there’s actual EELS in this water?
Yep.
Wow, that’s pretty cool.
Not as cool as the rivers in Newcastle. THEIR footy team is the Newcastle Knights.
Knights? So there’s actual Knights in that area?
Yep, with horses and swords and all that stuff
Wow. How cool would it be to see that?

Oh, Betty.

She’s so gullible sometimes, I almost don’t have the heart to tell her I was fucking with her. Again.

Maybe that can be my Mother’s Day present to her…

Next year.

I’m so lucky to have a Mum that I love spending time with, and who never fails to make me laugh. Even if she doesn’t know why.
I’m pretty sure she inherited that trait from her Mum, my Nanna
She’s the other unintentionally hilarious woman in the family
I’m so proud to be related to both of them

Whether your Mum is here on earth
Or one of the brightest stars in the sky
Wishing you all, a day full of belly laughs and big smiles
Happy Mothers Day

F.O.C.U.S-ing FRIDAY for the WIN!

You guys, how about….instead of a FUCK(ING) IT UP (THIS) FRIDAY

We maybe should have a F.O.C.U.S. Friday!
For those of you that have my latest album, or have been to a show recently, you’ll already know this one
The footage is from the UK/Ireland Tour, and if you came to one of those shows, you might even catch a glimpse of yourself somewhere in the clip….supastaaaarrr!!
I reckon this is the the perfect Friday song (and a pretty good song for Mondays too)
You’ve probably had a gutfull of your more ‘wanky’ co workers
And have been biting your tongue all week, and wishing they would go fuck themselves with a pineapple, or at least get a really itchy STD
But wait!
There’s a cure for that
In the form of this song
ESPECIALLY if they don’t know what F.O.C.U.S. means yet
So crank it up loud, and get the office singing along
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And Monday, I’ll be doing a special F.O.C.U.S. giveaway!
Free shit….HUZZAH!!!
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Disclaimer: I realise that it’s not really Friday ANYWHERE anymore (except maybe here in the U.S.) please direct all complaints to YOUTUBE – who I had to convince that this was MY song, I wrote it blah blah copyright Nazis. Hence the reason it’s being posted on a Saturday for most of you. On a related note, I need more wine and Imma send YouTube the bill and a FOCUS sticker.

conversations at the racetrack

Diamond got the chance to drive a race car
Being a boy ‘n all that
He was MOST excited to get the chance to drive said race car
Sometimes Santa DOES pick the winner gift
Youcanthankmelater
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Macaroni would have loved to have a turn too
over my limp lifeless dead body
Magoo wasn’t so sure

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What if he crashes?

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He drove like a mofo for 28 laps – he got up to 160 miles/ 257 km per hour
He was supposed to do just 18 laps, but their car dash camera didn’t work, and he didn’t want a t-shirt of the experience, he wanted the video.
So they GAVE him another 10 laps, and re-recorded that.
We have now watched that video forty-hundred times. Yeh.

The whole time he was whizzing around the track, Magoo kept saying, I don’t want to be an orphan. Orphan’s have to share a room with hundreds of other orphans and wear really ugly dresses
??
I’m like, you can only be an orphan if BOTH your parents are deadIMG_2146

Oh…
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And she’s like, well I still hope he doesn’t crash
I don’t want to be a black widow either

What the…??

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