Leaving our mark at public toilets across the state

With a trail of “I Love My Jenny Talia” stickers

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We’ve been lucky to stay in some beautiful places

Mackay was definitely one of those

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And as with every tour, we’ve been loving meeting some of the mad buggers that have come out to the shows

Like Kim – whose jeans now how my scribble on the bum

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And this lovely lady

It actually took me a while to recover from the shock of meeting her

And realising that I’d finally been “OUT-blinged” by someone

But I’ve already started stocking up on glitter & sparkly things

My plan is to blow her out of the water on the next tour through these parts

Nicely of course

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There’s been whole families come along to the show

And that makes me happy

You know, knowing my family is not the only fucked-up one out there

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This has been my favourite shirt of the tour so far

A guy actually came to the show wearing this same shirt in the UK last year

I told him I loved it, so he GAVE it to me

OK, I may have begged a little

So Mark was lucky, he got to keep his

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We’ve met some lovely people, like Matthew & Leanne is Innisfail

(& yeah, the main reason I put this pic in is because I’m the 2nd tallest one in it. Check THAT shit out!)

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And some crazy bastards like this mob in Ingham

HELLUP!

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Then last night in Atherton, we had a BELLY-FEST

Lots of boys wanted me to leave my mark on their gut

As they competed with each other in trying to convince me that “their” abs were better than their mates

Um…yeah I beg to differ in this case

While they had a *’how rock hard are my abs’ comp going on between them

(*code for  ’how soft is my peen)

I was running out of things to scrawl on them

They were all pretty wasted

So I’m hoping they wake up this morning, trying to put together the pieces of last night’s puzzle

And start questioning their sexuality

That would make me so happy

‘Cause you know, I’m ALL ABOUT reading up on the latest health tips they have to offer

And hangover cures

The story I found was about how men that stare at women’s boobs,  can add years to their lives

And I was all, what is this fuckery?

And did Diamond write this shit?

A German study (like we didn’t already know the Germans were nork-lovers) said that men who ogle at the breasts of women daily exhibited lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and lesser episodes of coronary artery disease

It went on to say that their study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke

But I bet it INCREASES the rate of STROK-ING

The bad news in all of this?

That the extra few years added to your life aren’t going to mean shit, when your wife catches you perving at other women’s tits, boys

And your new-found horny-ness is useless when you’re sleeping in the doghouse

Or in extreme cases, left without a penis

But the good news?

My Dad is going to live forever!

And EVER!

YAY!

I was always aware of an amazing musician by the name of Tommy Emmanuel

Even as a kid, I knew that Tommy was one of the best guitar players in the world

Tommy started working as a proffessional musician when he was 9 years old

He, along with his family (his brother Phil is also a shit hot picker) toured Australia constantly with their family band

Tommy’s incredible gift and unique style has seen his popularity take off all over the world

He’s won just about every award there is to win

Including being nominated twice for a Grammy

I remember sitting on the floor of my apartment in Nashville, watching Tommy & his brother Phil, showing the world just how good they are

At the opening ceremony of the Sydney Olympics in 2000

One of the most prestegious things to happen in Tommy’s amazing career

And something that ANY guitar player would give their left nut for

Was a collaboration with the legend, and Tommy’s personal hero, CHET ATKINS

Not only did Tommy & Chet make some incredible music together

(The Day Finger Pickers Took Over The World is a staple on my iPod)

(I took this pic last week, from the wall of stars backstage before our show in Ayr. Where ever you go, you can bet Tommy has been there before – at least twice!)

In 1999 Chet awarded Tommy the honour of CERTIFIED GUITAR PLAYER

It is the highest accolade for any guitarist, and very few can claim to be a CGP

I have met Tommy many, many times over the years

And a lovelier man you will never meet

He is known throughout the industry as a really great bloke

And in a world top heavy with egos & self importance

Tommy has neither

I had the privilege of playing with him a few years ago in Chicago

Don’t worry, I just pretended to play, and let Tommy make my song sound beautiful

And yeah, it was a straight song

Tommy’s manger, Gina has been a great mate of mine for many years

We were even room mates in Nashville for a while

But that’s a whole ‘nother blog

This week, I learned from Gina that Tommy has just been awarded the THE ORDER OF AUSTRALIA

It is:

An Australian society of honour for the purpose of according recognition to Australian citizens and other persons for achievement or for meritorious service

Which basically means Tommy was presented with a medal, by order of the Queen of England, for his service in music to the people and youth of Australia

It is, ‘as good as it gets’

And I can’t think of another bloke more deserving

Congratulations Tommy

You make me proud to be an Aussie

I was going to say ‘Aussie Musician’

But I thought that’d be pushing it a bit

Well done mate!

*photos (stolen from) Gina’s facebook account

Oh man with Daffy Duck tatooed all over your junk

I don’t need to read your wedding tackle to know you’re a party animal

But it might be time to lay off the crack pipe dude

And he’s very excited

And I was all like, uh welcome to the 21st century Dad

He was excited and cute about it

I was happy for him

Until I saw this clip up there

I’d forgotten I was ever even IN one of Dad’s video clips

He reckons this clip is me, doing my apprenticeship

(with my sister-in-law & her sister)

And I’m all, yo Daddio – aren’t apprentices supposed to be PAID?

I couldn’t decide if it was a project or a competition

Or even just a geeky experiment

So I’ll just keep referring to it as a “thingy” shall I?

It’s called A LIFE IN A DAY

Here’s the YOU TUBE site for it

The idea behind A LIFE IN A DAY is for people from all over the world

To film their day

On the same day

The date was 24th July 2010

Once you filmed a day (or parts of) of what you get up to

You submitted it to their youtube site

The entries would then be viewed

And some would be chosen, and edited together

To make a feature length movie

Now, I know one of MY days was never going to end up in a movie

But it sounded like fun

And I always have my camera with me anyway

Plus some of my mates were doing it

That was enough reason for me

What I didn’t do, before making my video

Was read the rules

I know, me, skipping the details…who’d have thunk it?

Anyhoo

The rules state that within your video, you need to answer some questions

Like:

What’s in your pocket?

My answer, had I read the rules, would have been room key & fairy dust

What do you fear the most?

And my answer would have been, the closing of the tim tams factory & accidentally uploading ‘homemade porn’ to youtube

That’s if one was to MAKE homemade porn, or course

*ahem*

Your video is to have NO music

Huh?

But the soundtrack to MY life is Cyndi Lauper & Ace of Base

How do I exclude that?

And no profanity

What the fuck Mr Rulemaker?

This is turning out to be a life in SOMEONE ELSE’S DAY dude

So, now that I’ve fucked it up completely

And I’m already disqualified

Disqualified – God that word blows, doesn’t it?

I think for me,  it stems back to grade 5, and the interschool’s swimming carnival

Where I found out the hard way that a full body wetsuit & a snorkles were NOT regulation

I think my sense of fashion & ‘dressing for the occasion’ was lost on the masses

Ummm….where were we

Oh yeah

My movie’s called “UP”

Not like the DISNEY Movie “UP” of course

So there’s no copyright dramas, OK? I haven’t even SEEN the Disney one. But Diamond & the girls said it was hilarious. I didn’t want to see it anyway *sulky face*

Here is my LIFE IN A DAY…

For the most part, it’s the same crew

When we work in different countries, we add locals to the tour

There’s ANNE in the UK

And IAN in New Zealand etc..

For longer tours, there’s usually a few more people on the road with us to keep us out of jail and help out

But for the most part, it’s the same core group of people each tour

So, for those of you who DON’T know the crew

I thought I’d introduce them to you!

Because I’m fucking lovely

OK

Firstly there’s Braden

Who likes to be called by his superhero name, SUPERSONIC MOOSE

SUPERSONIC MOOSE hails from New Zealand & takes care of all the sound for the shows

Lots of buttons & knob pulling really

But his first love is really costume design

And he hopes to one day work with the AUCKLAND MIDGET CIRCUS

As their chief curtain creator & g-string fitter

GOOOOO SUPERSONIC MOOSE!

The next member is also from New Zealand

He was shipped there in a Taiwanese basket from an orphanage in Instanbul

Where he was raised by nuns and called Darryn

Once he arrived in New Zealand he insisted on being addressed as his alter-ego, BURSTING MONKEY

BURSTING MONKEY is in charge of all the lighting requirements for the show

His love of LSD and all things flashing, make him a natural at it

He hopes to one day open his own lighting business

Specialising in chandeliers, lanterns & glo-sticks

BURSTING MONKEY….we couldn’t do it without you!

Now I’d like to introduce you to the NOCTURNAL INVADER

There was a time he was simply known as Hollywood

But he is internationally recognised these days as the NOCTURNAL INVADER

The NOCTURNAL INVADER is the tour manager

His position is vital to an efficient tour being a smooth operation

Specifically, making sure the toilet paper backstage is ALWAYS 3 ply

The straws are the BENDY kind

The colour of the rental cars can ONLY be FOREST GREEN (or pacific blue if there’s no other choice)

And perhaps the most critical part of every tour

That the dressing rooms always have ample supply of clear nail polish and stuffed olives

The NOCTURNAL INVADER hopes to retire one day to a commune on the beach

Where there’s daily co-ed limbo competitions & unlimited internet

Now I know most of you are aware of my Mum, Betty

But did you know, out here on the road, she goes by her stage name, KITTY GLITTER?

KITTY GLITTER’S role out here is vital too

Not only does she load in all the equipment from the truck (by herself)

She also does the crew’s makeup and astrological charts

Her dream is to one day be the sweatband/towel holder for the Bay City Rollers reunion tour

But for now, we love her weekly poetry readings from the Kama Sutra

And last, but by NO MEANS least is MOHAMMED AKHMAL LICKAMYARSE

He officially had his name changed from Kev after receiving a copy of the Koran

At a Muslim bikie festival in Kentucky last year

The big wheel in our entertainment extravaganza

Without him, there would be no nude sunbathing

No home-cooked hash cookies

Imagine a world without syncronised swimming classes and free genital waxing

That would be OUR world without MOHAMMED

No. Thank. You

So that is our crew

Make sure to say hi the next time you’re at a show

Or run into them at your local library or AA meeting

And use their ALIAS or SUPERHERO names too

They LOVE that shit

PS – MY other name is HUMMUGUSBOTTOM RUNNY POO STINK FINGER

But you can just call me JENNY

And it got me to thinking

Do I REALLY break something on EVERY tour?

Am I actually that much of a clumsy fuck?

So I’ve been going back over the last couple of years tours

Trying to remember what, if anything, I broke

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am, indeed, quite the clusterfuck

When out on tour

I don’t think I really break much when I’m at home & not touring

Except for maybe the kid’s hearts

When I tell them that I ate the last chocolate/no they can’t have another dog/yes, I am the only Mum they get

But on tour, WOW, I’m a fucking wrecking ball

Couches – I dropped my suitcase on it

Beds – I knocked the legs off one trying to hold onto it doing sit ups

Curtains – I was trying to OPEN them

Fridges – From trying to break the padlock on the mini bar (that I put on there myself, to tell myself to back-the-fuck-off) to try and get to the chocolate

Lamps – which are usually ugly as shit anyway, so I think I did the hotels a favour there

You name it

I’ve totally smashed the shit out of it

And I’m not a violent person either

Well, if you don’t count that time in Bali when I might have had too much to drink and some futher mucker at the bar wouldn’t take no for an answer and when I left he tried to follow me back to my hotel and I thought I was tough little fucker ’cause I’d done one & half kick boxing classes and the heel of my six inch stiletto may have got caught in his face and I had to pull it out myself but I don’t think he knew because he was laying in the gutter having a nap or maybe he was dead but either way, there was blood on my new shoe and it was his fault

But other than that, I’m not violent at all

I mean I’ve smashed things

On purpose

But only when it’s life or death

Like the time that I was in Paris with my Mum because Dad was touring the UK and Mum & I thought we were world travelers and took a little flight over there for the day only to find that everyone thought we were from England and treated us like shit until we put our (ugly) Koala broaches on to show that we were in fact Australian so the bastards would be nicer to us, which they were at the cafe where we had  lunch consisting of water and donuts ’cause that’s all we understood from the froggy menu but the donuts were grody and made my guts ache and I had to use a bathroom up the street at the bottom of a spiral staircase that was so narrow & steep I could only open the door of the toilet a smidge & had to squeeze in there and then shut the door which, after my bodily contents left me, I couldn’t get open and I started to freak ’cause there wasn’t mobile phones back then and I learned the hard way that I am a LOT claustrophobic when I am breathing in my own stench 3 floors below ground in a toilet coffin with a stuck door that I ended up kicking off the hinges in my complete panicked state only days later realising that that was pretty Wonder Woman of me and I went on to make enquiries about customising my own superhero costume in case I was faced with another near death experience as a tourist in Paris

(who knew that when I googled ‘trapped hot claustrophobic blonde in french thunder box’ that I would find this bitch acting out my nightmare?)

So THAT was totally not my fault either

I just think maybe they don’t make hotels like they used to

But today’s one seems to be fine

I haven’t broken anything

Except for when I accidently punched the housekeeping lady in the nose this morning when I was helping her make my bed because I am lovely

Which TOTALLY doesn’t count, because I didn’t actually BREAK her nose

It just bled a little

So really, I’m improving

But for everyone else

I’m not sure what it says about me

But I LOVE this

Like, have watched it more times than I care to admit

It makes me laugh

And I may have a crush on the one with the beard

And my pants now have a little wee on them

THAT’S how excited this made me

Read that again peeps

HOLDS A FULL BOTTLE OF WINE!

So that’s like, pour ONE drink

Get on FACEBOOK or TWITTER

Write inappropriate things that you can’t be held responsible for

Cause DUH, you’ve had a whole bottle of WINE to yourself

And your night is made

And for those of you thinking, awesome – now I know what to get the old Jennsta for Christmas

You’re too late

I already ordered mine

Although….it never hurts to have a spare

You know, for all the times that I finish a glass (or is that bottle?)

And am too tipsy to remember where I put it

Or for when I’m drunk as a mofo and do a face plant

And break the fucker