So I get home from the gig last night
I was hungry
Put my PJs on
Still hungry
Skype Diamond and the girls
Really hungry
Decided to peruse through my delicious range of healthy snacks that I’ve been traveling with on this trip
And by delicious, I mean, tasteless, cardboard crap
I opened by bag of barely edible munchies
And had decided to go with a bowl of cereal
Who wouldn’t want a serving of fibre and nuts instead of a Snickers from the mini bar?
And there, in my bag o’ hell was this
OK, not THAT actual cockroach
But a fucking cockroach non-the-less
Now I know, I’m a Kalgoorlie girl
And am tough as shit
(barefoot for the first 5 years of my life
And knocking out the teeth of a 2nd grader when I was in preschool)
The above is probably bullshit
But it’s how I choose to remember it
But Kalgoorlie kid or not, I totally shat myself
You think I’m kidding?
.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, a FUCKING COCKROACH IN MY FOOD SUPPLY
It’s like the universe WANTS me to bury my head in the chocolate covered delights of my hotel room fridge
It’s obvious the universe doesn’t give a flying fuck that I will be vactioning with small children soon
With a swim suit on
Hear that universe?
These children will be scarred for life – permanently curled up in the fetal position
‘Cause you, in all your universe-y wisdom-y, put a God Dam insect in my shit!
.
And in other news – this whole dying a slow death healthy eating, exercising daily bullshit, may just be starting to work
How do I know this?
Because my socks were a little loose on me this morning
I think it’s because they might actually be Dad’s socks, that got mixed up with mine in the laundry
But fuck it, a win’s a win
Me and my skinny feet are taking it!
.
So I totally freak the fuck out about the cockroach
I think it was because it was late
And kinda dark
And I put my hand in the bag and felt something touch it
Not that I don’t enjoy the odd carressing & fondling
But not by a fucking roach thankyouverymcuh!
.
In my freaked out state I went to bed
After I zipped up my food bag and stuck it in the corner
And had nightmares about cockroaches
All night
Cockroaches, cockroaches, COCKSUCKINGROACHES
They were EVERYWHERE
I woke up this morning the total OPPOSITE of refreshed
But I was ready to take on the beast
I was so brave
I opened up the bag slowly
And couldn’t see it
So I gave the bag a bit of a shake
And still couldn’t see it
Oh, look! There it is!
Dude, that thing was soooo much bigger last night
Like, a hundred bazillion times bigger
There are about 4,500 species of cockroach, apparently the smallest kind was my new visitor
Did you know that cockroaches have been known to live up to three months without food and a month without water?
Me either – thanks Google
So if this little fucker can go so long without food, why is he all up in my business?
I can barely go 60 minutes without food and he wants me to SHARE?
I’ll fucking share you
I should eat you
Which is what I told everyone on Twitter that I did last night
And ummm….I pretty sure most of you believed me
Thanks for THAT peeps
But being the responsible eater I’m so fucking not trying to be
I thought I’d at least suss out the calorie content of the average cockroach
The closest thing I could find is that they have about the same amount of calories as shrimp
Really?
Who works this shit OUT?
Hi, my name is Mr Dorky-Fuck-Face, & I’m a cockroach calorie consultant
It said that they carry bacteria and can make you sick
It didn’t mention that they can also make you shit your pants and have nightmares
Another useless tidbit for you: earthworms are higher in protein than steak
You’re welcome
Anyhoo
I didn’t even bother letting the guest-from-hell out so I could kill it
I left it in the bag, next to the bin in my room
With a note for housekeeping
“Please feel free to keep this bag & help yourself to the contents
It’s all lovely, lowfat food. Except for the cockroach.
He is lowfat but he’s not lovely.
He’s an arsehole”
