Just finished the soundcheck for tonight’s show

We’d been told earlier, that this area of land

Has the HIGHEST population (per square km) of reptiles

Yes, SNAKES and lizards ‘n shit

But mainly SNAKES

SNAKES that bite

Scaley fuckers that can KILL you

SSSNAAKES!!

Where was I?

Oh yeah, so where I am, right now

And where I’m sleeping tonight

Is home to more fucking snakes than ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD

The fuck?

How come no one tells you this shit BEFORE you agree to the show

And then I see these dog-poo-picker-upper things each side of the stage

And assumed maybe they were for the dingo’s poo

‘Cause there’s bucket loads of those buggers out here too

But no, they’re there to pick up SNAKES

And put them in this

And no, I did NOT lift the lid to see if there was any in there

How could you even THINK that?

Gah, what is WRONG with you guys???

It’s like you WANT me to die.

The last few mornings

I’ve been waking up to this

Heiny and the kids having a tai-chi slash yoga slash hippy session in the lounge room

Today Mum joined in too

I just stepped over them and headed to the kitchen for my crumpets & honey

I mean, whatever floats your boat and all that

Just not my cup of tea

Except for the part where Magoo kept kept farting every time she lifted her leg

Bomber, make your eyes water, WTF has that kid been eating, style of bum burps

That, I can do

So you’re having a bad day?

Everyone has then every now and then

I’m sure for some of you, today is your turn

How do I know this?

Well never let it be said that I’m not in tune with your vibes slash aura slash cranky face

Plus, 3 of the 4 people I have spoken to on the phone this morning have been utter crab arses sounded a bit grumpified

Me?

I’m all good

If you don’t count my red-raw puffy allergy eyes that look like two piss holes in the snow

Like I went 4 rounds with Mike Tyson

That my eyelids swallowed golf balls

And I look like a stoned gold fish

But yeah, other than that, I’m looking my usual cute self

You only have to look at pics like this

To feel better about your day

Imagine being these poor bastards?

So repeat after me…

It’s not that bad - It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad - It’s not that bad

And remember, when you drive with paint in the back seat

PUT A LID ON IT, you fucktard.

*thanks Brett!

One of the cool things about traveling is the different foods you get to experience

OK, so experiencing any food, anywhere is completely fine with me

Especially food I didn’t have to cook

I’ll try whatever’s going

Except monkey glands

You hear that South Africa?

While I love your people, culture and amazeballs wild life parks

I refuse to chew on a chimps scrotum

What about that sounds enticing to you?

‘Cause to me, it paints a picture of some whackjob in a chef’s hat – a hundred screaming primates – and a pair of hedge trimmers

Ouch

And yuk

Our waiter at one restaurant ASSURED me that it didn’t ‘really’ mean there were ‘actual’ monkey glands in the food

It’s just what the food was called

Wah?

That’s like serving up chocolate fudge slice

And calling it POO CAKE

Why would you do that?

You should try and ‘woo’ the tourists with your local cuisine

Disguise the grody shit you’re trying to serve up

Monkey gland soup?

Why not just call it, Mendella Meat Ball Soup?

I would totally try that

Cause I’m into soup and politics

Yeah, you really need to work on your menu descriptions

Some of us (ie; me) foreigners are a bit squeamish about the weird stuff

I don’t need to know ALL the deets about what I am about to partake in

‘Cause really, the idea of monkey gland soup makes me gag like a teenager giving her first blow job

Speaking of headjobs

I have a hot date tonight, with my husband Diamond, at a cool new restaurant by our house

Apparently they have fresh Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu

Which is another yummy sounding dish I’ve never tried

Diamond says that they’re really bull testicles

I told him to shut the fuck up