two minute memories

Magoo loves many, many things in this world

But nothing comes before her animals and two minute noodles

While she gets unlimited time with her pets
We’re a bit more strict on the two minute noodles
She gets those almost never
Being that they are about as nutritious as a maxi pad
Even though they are yum
I loved them as a kid too
The noodles that is
Never actually tasted a maxi pad

So, even though I’m pretty sure this is a load of crapola
I showed it to her
Because I like to see her cry am an arsehole599065_211403598992640_1420870395_n

 

I’m not joking when I say she had the sads for hours
Even when I said, look, it’s probably not true and you can still have them sometimes

And she was like, “and eat the cancer?!?”

IMG_4371

 

If she’s this dramatic at 8
The teenage her is going to be oh-my-God-fuck-that-I-can’t-even-think-about-it

PS – I keep all her texts. Imma make a funny-as-shit book out of them and sell them to pay for college.
Or therapy.
Probably mostly therapy.

 

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ssssssshit

Just finished the soundcheck for tonight’s show

We’d been told earlier, that this area of land

Has the HIGHEST population (per square km) of reptiles

Yes, SNAKES and lizards ‘n shit

But mainly SNAKES

SNAKES that bite

Scaley fuckers that can KILL you

SSSNAAKES!!

 

Where was I?

Oh yeah, so where I am, right now

And where I’m sleeping tonight

Is home to more fucking snakes than ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD

The fuck?

How come no one tells you this shit BEFORE you agree to the show

And then I see these dog-poo-picker-upper things each side of the stage

And assumed maybe they were for the dingo’s poo

‘Cause there’s bucket loads of those buggers out here too

But no, they’re there to pick up SNAKES

And put them in this

And no, I did NOT lift the lid to see if there was any in there

How could you even THINK that?

Gah, what is WRONG with you guys???

It’s like you WANT me to die.

deeeeep breaths

The last few mornings

I’ve been waking up to this

Heiny and the kids having a tai-chi slash yoga slash hippy session in the lounge room

Today Mum joined in too

I just stepped over them and headed to the kitchen for my crumpets & honey

I mean, whatever floats your boat and all that

Just not my cup of tea

Except for the part where Magoo kept kept farting every time she lifted her leg

Bomber, make your eyes water, WTF has that kid been eating, style of bum burps

That, I can do