four eyes

Before I left Chicago to come away for this tour, I tried hard to squeeze in as much quality time with Diamond and the girls as I could
Movies, playdates, crafts, dress ups with the girls
And while Diamond and I took care of ‘what we needed to’ *cough* We also made sure to spend some romantic time together

By picking out a new dishwasher and all that sort of lovey dovey stuff that married couples do
But if you want to talk REAL sexy time, you’re in the wrong place book an appointment go get your eyes checked together

Nothing makes you feel older and more un-rootable than knowing your eyesight is going

Turns out, we both needed glasses

Diamond needs them for distance, especially for night driving home from the pub

And me, I need ‘em for close up stuff, like reading and squeezing blackheads

The plus side is that it’s NOT too much wine making shit blurry at night….it’s my crappy vision y’all.
Tell THAT to my papa toe that I continue to kick on the unseen corner of the bed at every other hotel. Mother fucker, how much does THAT hurt?

Anyhoo, my glasses arrived here in the UK, thanks to express post Diamond (although delivered in person would have been preferable)

And it’s going to take me more than a little while to get used to them

Am I serious glasses girl?

Trying to be, and failing at sexy glasses girl? (I think it’s because my nostrils flare when I try to look smoulder-y, and if I hold the pose long enough, I start to dribble…..HAWT!)

Do they make me look smarter?


The same?

I thought they made me look classy for all of five minutes. ‘Til I walked out on stage (forgetting to take them off first) to take the DILLIGAF CHOIR photo, and tripped over twice. Not embarrassing at all.

It’s moments like that, that remind me it was a good idea to NOT get the $650 glasses I liked. The 2 for $70 ones are much more suited to a girl of my clumsy, forgetful, spazzy nature. I’m already on to my second pair. Genius.

Whatevs… everything on my computer screen now looks like it’s in 3D. I’m probably going to have to stop watching porn, because oh my God, that shit was WAY better blurry.

To all the kids at school I gave shit about being 4 eyed and a brainiac, you’ll be happy to know that karma is alive and well.

And I am the dorkiest of the glasses wearing dorks.
WITHOUT the brains.

imelda marcos or mother theresa?

I know what you’re thinking Diamond
Another pair of shoes?

Well I have two words for you…..BITE ME
Gift. Voucher.
There had to be some kind of pay off for risking my safety by rifling through the junk drawer to find the leg for Magoo’s slutty Monster High Doll.
Is your junk drawer like that?
Full of pens that don’t work, receipts, coins, paperclips, random sharp objects, go-gurt wrappers and slutty doll parts?
Anyhoo, this week I win. Not only did I find the requested doll leg – I also discovered a long forgotten gift voucher
So you KNOW I was going to use that shit for shoes. Like, duh.
So I found the shoes I liked, which happen to be PERFECT for the upcoming UK tour, and ordered ’em.
Shipping was FREE, but I would have totally sprung for it even if it wasn’t
I mean, like I would buy a pair of shoes, and then LEAVE them at the shop.
What am I, a monster?
Would you adopt a kid then tell it to buy it’s own bus ticket to your house?
I didn’t think so

So they show up in this whole world vision, Bob Geldoff-y box 
Which informs me that, not only am I the trendy footed new owner of some awesome comfy slipper-like shoes
But because I BOUGHT these shoes, Skechers are going to give a new pair of shoes to a kid in need

So, really I’m NOT adding to my ridonkulously overflowing shoe collection

I’m saving the fucking world.