I’ve been laughing my arse off at a lot of them

My faves are this one and this one

Then my mate Marty suggested I give it a go so you can blame her for this

It didn’t take me long to figure out who would be saying the ‘shit’ in my vid

And before the bogans of the world get all spewy with me for taking the piss

Remember, I’m from Kalgoorlie

Where bogans were  INVENTED

They make me laugh EVERY time I see them

Surely they were all taken in the days BEFORE digital cameras

Back when you took a pic, and had no idea how it turned out until you picked it up at the photo shop a week later

Because really, if you’d actually seen this shit with your own eyes first

You’d never SHOW it to anyone, right?

RIGHT?

Someone’s a bit excited about the Besty Wetsy doll Santa might bring her this year

This would have absolutely have been my Christmas card this year, if my husband wasn’t such a kill joy. I’m married to the fun police.

Would you even let a dude that looked like this NEAR your kids…..let alone put them on his lap? Looks like he just got done brawling over a bottle of booze in a bag with the other homeless Santas.

If I had a son, he’d totally be the little shit in this pic

Maybe some of you can help me out

We currently have more unemployed Australians than we’ve had in over a decade (1 million+ people)

A global economic slowdown has seen Australian’s homes decreasing in value at an accelerated rate

Australians are worried over the newly introduced carbon tax and what it means for them

And they’re  also having to deal with constantly rising household costs that their wages never seem to adjust to

The government has just announced plan to slash billions of dollars in public spending

And I seem to recall that not too long ago, our Prime Minister’s popularity hit a record low approval rating of minus 45%

So can someone tell me how, today, in Australia

Politicians received a MASSIVE – no seriously, FUCKING MASSIVE, pay rise?!?

The fuck?

Julia Gillard will now earn more than the UK Prime Minister and the President of the United States

With a $90,000 pay increase that sees her now taking home almost $470,000 a year

Yep

Even the lowest polly on the totem pole will see his pay packet fatten up with an additional $40,000 per year

And while I realise that this raise was at the suggestion of an independent body, and not at the politicians request

Is there no one with any brains in charge of this shit?

Is this really the right economy to give ANY of those wankers a pay rise?

Can’t they see that people are battling, worried about how to pay their bills

Worried about these new taxes, their jobs, paying their mortgages?

It just screams unfair

And shows just how out of touch and fucking ridiculous the politicians in this country are

It’s like a slap in the face to the people they are supposed to be helping. Isn’t government supposed to work FOR the PEOPLE?

Cause sure as shit, there’s no ‘people’ I know that would approve this bullshit

How about this Christmas, these newly cashed up pollies head down to their local Salvation Army

And donate their recent windfall to the Australians who REALLY need it

That’d be a good place to start

And then marrying a virgin?

I wouldn’t know

And neither would you guys, so don’t lie

Looks pretty gross hysterical to me

I know some people are like, ugh…school holidays…bastard-damn-shit.

Not me

I miss them when they’re at school – so having them around every day makes my heart smile

Diamond & I are headed off to parent teacher conferences today

Macaroni & Magoo have both been doing amazing, so it will be nothing like the parent/teacher conferences MY parents had to endure

“….Mr & Mrs Wilson…your daughter…well..umm…where do we start?”

And the shit just went downhill from there

The only worry Diamond & I have is that WE don’t fuck it up for our kids

I’ll be on my BEST behaviour

Yep, sober AND wearing a bra

While I miss THEM, they couldn’t give a rat’s the girls miss EACH OTHER big time,  when they’re at school

They’ve been up since 5:30am because they’ve yet to realise that Mummy is nocturnal which is the time they get up every day, no matter what

So far today it’s been all about imagine-y type games. Most of those involve taking every toy they own, into another room, and rearranging shit. Now that they’re big enough to clean it up (with a little help from me) I’m like, go for it. Have fun…
P-L-A-Y! It’s better than watching TV or playing on a computer

Today’s game is called pop stars

Now keep in mind that they think Poppy & I are pop singers. They reckon that we are both like Miley Cyrus – but when we’re at work, we’re Hannnah Montanna

For adults

The fuck..?….okee-dokee then

They’ve yet to hear ANY of my stuff

I let them listen to some of the pop stuff on the radio – but they wouldn’t know what any of the singers look like

So imagine my surprise when Macaroni dressed Magoo as the pop star today

And called her BRITNEY TALIA

Considering they wouldn’t know a pop star if they fell over one

The accuracy is uncanny

Or don’t

I just wanted sufficient documentation

Proof, if you like

That the Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gilliard, is a hussy

You see, U.S. President, Barack Obama, just did a whirlwind visit to Oz

And in that time

Our chief Fanta Pants, could not stay away from the poor dude

Like, followed his arse EVA-REE-WHERE

Giving him her best “yes big boy….the curtains DO match the carpet…let me show you” look

Trying to stick her tongue in his ear at every opportunity

I mean, the dude’s married to one of the hottest black women on the planet

With a set of biceps that would mangle old mango mutt up in a minute

No ranga, not even a powerful stupid one could stand a chance

I mean, Bazza’s kinda handsome and all

But geez Jules, you’ve got a hairdresser who the whole world knows is a raging poof fella of your own at home

You can’t have everything you want you know

You already fucked one powerful man

I think that might be enough now

Not that you’re going to listen to a voice of reason

Apparently once you’ve dreamed of having had Barack…you can’t go back

Slut.

Or should I say, was

This, is Lindsay Lohan now

Umm…’scuse me

But where in the dental handbook does it say meth mouth this look is cool?

I think somebody needs to start showing Miss Lohan some before & after ‘crack’ photos

Give her a bit of a glimpse into her future if she doesn’t get her shit together

Girls got so much natural talent that is just being boozed, binged and snorted away

It’s never too late, right?

How many of you would use this?

I mean if it was in a gay bar there’d be a line to use it

With a big jar of vaseline so no one gets hurt

I don’t reckon I could

Seriously, it’s too lifelike for me

There’s even hair on it

Or maybe I’ve been looking at it too closely *ahem*

Yeah…nah

I’d have to go without

Faced with this

I’d rather drip dry

*thanks Brett*

Right here

Is the perfect example

Of why I never, ever

Smoke crack

Drink

Before work

But afterwards?

Game on fuckers!

We were walking back to our car

When a little blue car zoomed right by us, into a parking space

Changed it’s mind

Went in reverse

And floored it

Doing a massive backwards u-turn

Covering half the parking lot

Almost running me over

No shit

Dad actually pushed me out of the way

It was coming so fast, I barely had time to react

I watched the car pull into another spot

And a lady got out

She was about my age

So you know, old enough to know better

But obviously still too young to give a fuck

I walked over to her and said, “I don’t know if you’re aware or not

But when you were zipping around back there

You nearly hit me

And would of, if my Dad didn’t have the reflexes of a ninja you dumb botch”

She’s like, “Yeah, I saw you”

Me, “Wuh?

You nearly hit me”

She said, “But I didn’t, so I don’t see what the problem is”

Me again, “Wuh?”

I was a bit taken back by her ‘i could giveth not a fucketh’ attitude

She walked off, “…See ya”

What the fuck?

All I could come out with was, “Oh…OK then yeah….bye…you have yourself a great day then..keep on keeping on ‘n all that

And driving like a CUNT”

I’m such a wordsmith