According to some reports, this could be one of, if not THE biggest blizzard Chicago has ever seen

For us, that means staying home

Stocking up on supplies

And spending a couple of days in the house, maybe snowed in

The kids have tonnes of board games, every Xbox kinect game, crafts coming out of the wazoo and toy room FULL of fun stuff

I have red wine, clinkers, internet, ugg boots & Diamond

So, provided there’s no power outages etc

This could turn out to be fun

I wish I could say the same for Queensland right now

They’re gearing up for some ferocious weather in the next 24 hours too

Only they don’t get to stay in and possibly enjoy it

They’re being forced to evacuate before Cyclone Yasi hits them

After all the devastation from the recent floods

They’re now bracing themselves for the biggest cyclone Australia has encountered

EVER.

It’s so frightening

I’m sending all my family and friends who are in Queensland, all the love / good vibes / positive thoughts in the world right now

Knowing what you guys are going through

I will NOT be bitching about the weather we’re having here

I hope you’re all OK and stay safe

But I really hope

That this is one of those times that the weather man has it wrong

I love it

I think I’m always going to love it

No matter how long I’m in Chicago

I don’t know how to not sound cheesy when I say this

But it’s just beautiful

It makes everything that would otherwise look dead and lifeless

Look stunning

But enough about the snow

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Look where I’m headed next week suckers!

So, while I love the snow blah, blah, blah-dy, blah

I’m more than happy for a bit of a change up

And the QUEENSLAND TOUR is going to provide the polar opposite weather to what we’re having here right now

But I think I can handle it

Even though home is where the heart is

I’ll be where it’s warm

While the kids are back here

Probably making snow angels if this weather continues

And I’ll miss them like I always do

And I might even miss Diamond a bit too

My own ‘special’ snow angel

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(Diamond’s ACTUAL butt not used in this post – but I think they just might be his boots)

Ours was OK – busy

But good

We actually have an extra day off today

Because neither of the girls have school, kindy, preschool, dance, art, girl scouts, drama, music or any of the other shit that I was a lunatic for signing them up for

NUFFIN!

And we had a shitload of snow last night

So it’s a perfect day to put the girl’s snowsuits on

And lock them outside for 6 hours

What?

I’m going to feed them

I’ll throw a sandwich and a juice box out to them at lunchtime

They’ll probably just go to the neighbours house and beg for food AGAIN be fine

TRUST ME!

Miss 6 has been proudly telling anyone who’ll listen that she got a ribbon for her artwork at the Girl Scout’s art show on Saturday

4th place!

I think there may have only been 4 people that entered in her age group but don’t tell her that

I got a RIBBON MAMA!

And it’s PURPLE!

So all is right in her world

So we followed that up by going out to deliver all the Girl Scout cookies that I hadn’t eaten yet our neighbours had ordered

This Girl Scout shit is HARD work man

Where’s MY ribbon? for fuck’s sake

So, as I was too knackered to make lunch a treat, I took them to McDonalds afterwards

Yeah, that’s right

McDonalds on a fucking Saturday

I’m a genius aren’t I?

It was arsehole kid central

Mine were OK because I threatened them with death no toy from the happy meal if they fucked up were shits too

Aaaah the power of empty threats

Some of those kids in the playground thing they have there are brutal man

And they travel in packs

And totally lay into each other

You’ll be happy to know they I busted up one little asian street gang

Average age 5

But those little fuckers were evil

And I actually went up to their mother, I picked her out ’cause she was the only Asian looking adult in the room

I’m like, your monster kids are out of control lady. They’re beating each other up over there, kicking each other in the head. And you’re just sitting here texting on your phone. Try being a parent dude, and go and sort your little Bruce Lee wanna-bees out

Yeah, I sure told her

And then she says, those aren’t my kids. I’m here with my daughter and she’s in the bathroom

Go ME!

I look around to see the midget Asian gang walking out with their caucasian mom and dad

Adopted?

Probably

Fucktard?

Yes I am

I don’t take back what I said not really, anyway

I just wish I’d researched my target audience more thoroughly

Anyhooooo

Then we headed off to church to confess my many, many, MANY sins

Without Diamond again

‘Cause he’s SOOOO busy putting back together my kitchen after deciding it wasn’t big enough and knocking out A FUCKING WALL

So there was me and the girls

They look like they’re praying hard don’t they?

I’d bet money that they were both praying for the same thing

Dear God

Please make Daddy take a long time finishing our kitchen so that Mummy won’t be able to cook in it and then we have to eat McDonalds all the time. But only take away McDonalds – ’cause Mummy is not really good at behaving herself in the playground there – so we should just do the drive thru

Amen

And not much of a winter in a lot of places

I give you this Winter Olympics star

She’s an Aussie sheila is from a place called COOMA, in New South Wales

Where it’s 74 degrees F today (23 Celsius)

Her name is Torah Bright

And she makes me proud to be Australian

And also happy to not be the only Aussie sheila

Who looks like a baby brand piano with the lid up when she smiles

And while I’m loving it

To look at, that is

The kids are starting to go a little crazy

Cause like, they were SOOO normal to start with

I thought that kids were supposed to LOVE the snow

That they LIVED to be outside, playing in it

Yeah, well my kids didn’t get that memo

It’s too cold

I don’t WANNNA play in it

And I’m like, well don’t then but I’ll have to start drinking earlier and that means you’ll have to get your own dinner

But then the inevitable happens

I’m bored

There’s nothing to do

They don’t want to watch a movie

We did sewing last week

They’ve made Valentine’s Cards

Coloured

Played Twister

So I’m like, fuck this ok then

Give me 10 minutes

And I went to iTunes

And downloaded a bunch of new kids applications

And put them on Diamond and my cellphones

And now they’re off playing with them

Happy as Larry

So while Mother Nature is putting on a beautiful display outside our door

My kids couldn’t give a shit only care about modern technology indoors

Kinda sad really

And the fact that I’m sitting here typing away on my laptop, and not outside either,

Is irrelevant

Can if I want

I’m the MUM

The grownup even

Fuck off, I AM TOO!!

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For those who give a rats who’re interested – the best apps so far, have been:

SMACKTALK

SNEEZIES

POP MATH

& FACE MELT

I know this because you guys keep emailing me and bitching I’m having trouble remembering my password when I log in to blog

If I blog every day, it’s easy to remember

If I don’t blog every day, the alcohol consumed in between makes it hard I struggle a bit

I’m also kinda busy

Doing what you ask?

Ummmm, well, fuck all really

Recovering from (an awesome) Christmas

And preparing for (a hopefully awesome) New Year’s

And also just hanging

With Diamond

And the girls

And loving this weather

We’re playing out in it all the time

The girls I love to eat the snow

But, being the shit hot mother I’m not I am, I forgot to put gloves on the kids today

So I told them they couldn’t pick up the show and eat it with their hands

In case they got cold

‘Cause it’s not like their hands weren’t frozen fucking solid already

So they improvised

And ate it straight off the bushes

I know

Their Dad does weird shit like that all the time

It’s hard to believe I’m the normal one

I mean, I eat the snow too

But out of a glass thank you very much

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With vodka in it

And a splash of cranberry

That’s how us sophisticated bitches roll you know

Apparently there’s different kinds of snow

Heavy snow, flakes, packing snow etc

Packing snow is good for snow ball fights

And making a snowman, so I’ve been told

The girl’s cousin came over yesterday

He’s 12, and quite the snowman expert

Add the other kid Diamond into the mix and you’ve got yourself a snowman making crew

Fluffy was most unimpressed

He was all like, Dude – you lot have finally come outside

And it’s not even to play with me motherfuckers

So he waited patiently

And only tried to hump the boys once while they working on their snowman

Good boy Fluff

The kids were so proud of their finished work of art

He got the obligatory carrot nose

And they even gave him prunes for eyes

And dried apricot buttons

I loaned them one of my old, ugly scarves

‘Cause last year they used one of my favourites

And it took month to thaw the bastard out

After they were done, I channeled by inner Martha Stewart and made everyone hot chocolate with marshmallows

Fluffy used that time to pounce wisely

He sniper crawled in on the defenseless snowman

And piece by piece, prune by apricot

He ate the poor fucker

He ate his hat

His scarf

So the Fluffster is in the DOG HOUSE or so to speak

This all could have been avoided by  making the bloody snowman in the front yard

DUH!

The only thing with that, is that I don’t get to make the snowmen I want to make

This kind are usually best kept in the back yard

Offensive?

Says who?

I call it art

Let it snow!

Let it snow!

Let it snow!