Category Archives: winter is the shit!

there’s no place like home for the holidays

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Warning: Cheesy Christmas Stuff!

Diamond & I took the girls downtown yesterday on the train

There was major snow coming in

So we thought it’d be better than driving

Plus, we all love the shit out of the train

Downtown was C-O-L-D

The girls didn’t know what had hit ‘em

The whining started as soon as we got there

Seriously, the AUSTRALIAN (yeah, that’s me) was FINE

Like, didn’t whinge about the cold AT ALL

Pussies

Can I say ‘pussies’ in a family feel good post?

‘Course I can

PUSSIES

The big Macy’s department store is a popular place to go at Christmas time

The window decorations are amazing

No pics of them though

Everyone was TOOOOO C-O-O-OLD to walk around the outside of the store & check them out

So we went straight in to Santa’s village

Where we waited a little while

But his elves there told us that it would be at least an hour wait

So the girls decided that they’d already seen (the real) Santa this year

Below is the real Santa – according to Macaroni & Magoo

And had a video message from him too

So they were happy to head to the Walnut Room

With their Macy’s Smurfs

We were told that there was at least an hour-long wait to eat there too

But for some reason

Probably because I’m so ridiculously good looking

Or ’cause Diamond slipped them a twenty

We got in straight away

How cool is their tree?

Light up crystals make it look so beautiful

Best part?

The Walnut Room has it’s own FAIRY!

Worst part?

Apparently the FAIRY had PMS and couldn’t be persuaded to come to our table

Hmmm?

Anyhoo

As with all life’s crisis’

The solution is always FOOD!

And these  snowman deserts made the girls forget about the rude fairy

And I’m confident that the dagger-glare-from-hell I gave her

Will haunt her dreams forever

Cow

Back to our happy place…

Let’s carry on shall we?

Next stop, we headed over to Daley Plaza

Where they have an outdoor Christmas market

And the biggest decorated Christmas tree in Chicago

That’s when the snow started

We took refuge in some of the little shops

But mostly, we stayed out in it

And enjoyed it

With the help of some hot chocolate

And a carriage ride around the city

Then it was back to Union Station

With time to spare

So we checked out some of their Chrissy decorations too

By the time we got off at our stop

We were in some S-N-O-W

Which meant Diamond had some shoveling to do when we got back to the house

While the girls & I made a snowman

This is Mum & Dad’s view in Australia, this time of year

And this is mine

There really is no place like HOME for the holidays

My home is wherever my family is

Australia or Chicago – doesn’t matter to me

But I’m probably bipolar




snowed in

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Well, we’re not really

But some people are spazzing out like we are

Everyone I see says something like

Oooooh, I can’t believe how cold it is

And I’m thinking, well I can

Like, it’s WINTER

In CHICAGO

YOU. DUMB. FUCK.

And I dunno, maybe it’s the PMS

But it’s shitting me to tears

Yuk, this snow is so horrible, I can’t stand it

Yeah, well I can’t stand your bitching

I bet your the same people that get all cry-baby in summer too

Oooh, it’s too HOT, I can’t stand it

How about you just shut the fuck up?

Man, how much of a crabby mole do I sound like today?

Can’t say I give a fuck really

‘Cause so far, I’m totally enjoying my bitchy-rant

I forgive you if you need to close your browser window and go to a more happy-happy-sucky-feel-good site

Like THIS crap

.

.

‘Cause there’s winter

And then there’s fucking WINTER

Where you’re up to your arse in it

Surrounded by snow

Pounded by snow

Buried in it

And I like that I’m not the only weirdo out there

That there’s other people who love the shit out of it too

And for everyone else?

The End.

snow plowing

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I need to start this blog by letting you know that my laptop is at the fucking mac store again laptop hospital

I won’t go into ‘WHY’

‘Cause I’d really rather not use the expression CUNTYCUNT at Christmas time

.

So, today’s blog is being sent to you from Diamond’s laptop

It may smell a little like beer

So I’ll apologise in advance for that

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Anyhoooo

It’s snowing today

Hellooooo…..

Did you hear me?

IT’S FUCKING SNOWING TODAY!!

I can’t even tell you how much I love it when it snows

So, for my Chicago friends – and anyone else who reads this that gets snow where you live

You can go make a cuppa or something

As this blog will no doubt shit you to tears

Oh, and Chicago friends?

When it snows, you drive like ARSEHOLES!

To be fair, Diamond did warn me about you guys

He said, “Chicago drivers, when it rains, drive 5 miles per hour. When it snows? They go 100!”

And you know what?

He’s right! (don’t tell him I said that)

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We’ve just had a light dusting of snow here the last couple of days

Making everything look so pretty and Christmassy

It’s also making the locals drive like their competing in a fucking demolition derby for Christ’s sake

.

Yesterday, I was coming up to a stop sign

And the 2 cars in front of me went nuts

The first one skidded straight through the sign


And the second one spun out and ended up with her car facing mine and our bumpers touching

And the car behind me, slid right up on the footpath, just missing me

I mean, don’t you think there’s a problem when the AUSTRALIAN, with her fuck all limited experience driving in the snow, is the one that stops properly?

Granted, I had my car in 4WD mode, and Diamond’s voice in my ear, “Don’t drive like a woman too fast”

And I would never profess to being a great driver

So I blame this white knuckled driving for driving me to drink more

And it’s too early for the pub to be open motherfuckers

So, this will have to do for now

The weather channel is reported that we’re expecting a huge snow storm in the next 24 hours

Or as Diamond so eloquently put it, “we’re gonna get fucking pounded”

Bring it on I say

I’d better get to the shops first and stock up on food

Well, just carrots really

For the snowman’s nose

Might grab some scotch too

To put in my coffee

That’ll make these fucktards on the road the school run WAY easier

Might give the driving a miss for the next day or so

Could be better for my kids in the long run too

They’re learning some great new words

Well, ALMOST learning them

During yesterday’s near disaster, I kinda forgot the kids were in the car

And proceeded to scream out “YOOOOOU FUCKWIT!”

Possibly more than twice

OK, so it was 3 times

Miss 6 asked me what that meant

And I played all dumb like, “What does what mean?”

“FUCKWIT?”

(I know somewhere on the other side of the world, my Dad’s chest is puffed out with pride as he reads this)

“Nooooooo, I said LUCKED IT. I was telling the other drivers that they totally LUCKED IT by not having a big crash”

“Ohhhhh”, she said.

“LUCKED IT. I like that mummy”

“YOOOOU LUCKED IT!”

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I’m not sure I’m going to be able to get away with this bullshit much longer