Anyhoo, she had this pic on there

And said,

…stare at the red dot on her nose for 30 seconds.
Look at the ceiling and blink really quickly

So I did

And I, like her, was all, WHAT THE FUCK?!?

What is this fuckery with my eyes

And how the fuck?

So yeah, consider me confused and ready for a drink

Otherwise known as Tuesday

Was a perfect opportunity to bring pressies for my family and friends WITH me

Instead of sending them, like I do every year

Hence me traveling with a bazillion cases

Today I am in Alice Springs, on my way to Granites (for 2 shows)

So I didn’t NEED to bring all the suitcases WITH me here

Luckily, I was able to leave the EXTRA cases in Melbourne (thanks Graeme) and I’ll get them back later in the week, when I come back for the CROWN shows

I had all my own stuff scattered in amongst the Chrissy pressies – to try and even out the weight of all the toys ‘n shit I had packed

So responsible and organised, hey?

Of course not – this IS ME we’re talking about here

I am sitting in my Alice Springs hotel room

With a suitcase and a guitar

The guitar is a win

The suitcase? Fuck.

I’m sure it comes as a surprise to NO ONE, that I brought a suitcase with me based on, “…yep, that’s the black one with all my work clothes and stuff I need in it”

Yep, wrong black suitcase

I have shoes, toys, books, DVDs and toiletries

What I do NOT have, is clothes

Nope

No work clothes, regular clothes, pyjamas or fucking underwear

I will be going commando until further notice continue to amaze myself

I know some people are like, ugh…school holidays…bastard-damn-shit.

Not me

I miss them when they’re at school – so having them around every day makes my heart smile

Diamond & I are headed off to parent teacher conferences today

Macaroni & Magoo have both been doing amazing, so it will be nothing like the parent/teacher conferences MY parents had to endure

“….Mr & Mrs Wilson…your daughter…well..umm…where do we start?”

And the shit just went downhill from there

The only worry Diamond & I have is that WE don’t fuck it up for our kids

I’ll be on my BEST behaviour

Yep, sober AND wearing a bra

While I miss THEM, they couldn’t give a rat’s the girls miss EACH OTHER big time,  when they’re at school

They’ve been up since 5:30am because they’ve yet to realise that Mummy is nocturnal which is the time they get up every day, no matter what

So far today it’s been all about imagine-y type games. Most of those involve taking every toy they own, into another room, and rearranging shit. Now that they’re big enough to clean it up (with a little help from me) I’m like, go for it. Have fun…
P-L-A-Y! It’s better than watching TV or playing on a computer

Today’s game is called pop stars

Now keep in mind that they think Poppy & I are pop singers. They reckon that we are both like Miley Cyrus – but when we’re at work, we’re Hannnah Montanna

For adults

The fuck..?….okee-dokee then

They’ve yet to hear ANY of my stuff

I let them listen to some of the pop stuff on the radio – but they wouldn’t know what any of the singers look like

So imagine my surprise when Macaroni dressed Magoo as the pop star today

And called her BRITNEY TALIA

Considering they wouldn’t know a pop star if they fell over one

The accuracy is uncanny

It scared the shit out of me

Enough to cancel all my plans today

And go bra shopping instead

Or you’ve seen any of my tweets like this

Then this week’s FUCK IT UP FRIDAY will be about as expected as a sore bum after mardi gras a curry

We were walking back to our car

When a little blue car zoomed right by us, into a parking space

Changed it’s mind

Went in reverse

And floored it

Doing a massive backwards u-turn

Covering half the parking lot

Almost running me over

No shit

Dad actually pushed me out of the way

It was coming so fast, I barely had time to react

I watched the car pull into another spot

And a lady got out

She was about my age

So you know, old enough to know better

But obviously still too young to give a fuck

I walked over to her and said, “I don’t know if you’re aware or not

But when you were zipping around back there

You nearly hit me

And would of, if my Dad didn’t have the reflexes of a ninja you dumb botch”

She’s like, “Yeah, I saw you”

Me, “Wuh?

You nearly hit me”

She said, “But I didn’t, so I don’t see what the problem is”

Me again, “Wuh?”

I was a bit taken back by her ‘i could giveth not a fucketh’ attitude

She walked off, “…See ya”

What the fuck?

All I could come out with was, “Oh…OK then yeah….bye…you have yourself a great day then..keep on keeping on ‘n all that

And driving like a CUNT”

I’m such a wordsmith

Check it out

And you’ll truly know why the term ‘WTF’ was invented

I think my judgmental bone is attached to my vomit bone

‘Cause I feel seriously grossed out after seeing this

In fairness, he’s not hurting anyone

And he’s the first to recognise that what he’s doing isn’t the ‘norm’

But, wow dude

Just, wow.

And then here’s some other random ginger mutt

That just sold for $1.5m

Yeah, that’s MILLION

For a ranga-red-headed dog

I’ll stick with the blonde one thankyouverymuch

They called the million dollar Mastiff, Big Splash

I would say he ‘mastiff’ been a  BIG RIP OFF, with a dumb name

Big dogs like that need manly, strong, tough guy names

Like Fluffy

Does that make me agnostic or an atheist?

I’m not sure what the correct ‘label’ for me would be

Maybe, recovering Catholic?

But I have a lot of people in my life who are religious

Good, kind people

That are wonderful friends to me

And I think I speak for them when I say

To this lady

You are a fucking idiot

I’ve never sat through an entire episode of Toddlers And Tiaras

What I have seen has shown me that there are lot of gay men out there

That are married to women

And have daughters

And they’re pushing these little girls into beauty pagaents

In custom gaudy gowns, they lovingly sewed themselves

Nice work Daddios!

And then there’s the Mums

Who make me laugh, cry, cringe and want to stab a bitch all at the same time

But this video

This one takes the cake

So instead of a traditional Fuck It Up Friday

Have a look at this video

‘Cause this ‘mother’, is doing a top notch job

At fucking her kid up royally

Parenting or child abuse?